Pack a suitcase to leave everything and walk in the country of boot and pizzas
Forgive me in advance for not writing to you from the top of positive feelings you probably expected from the post title. Yes I had fun and I had the moments of happiness that awaited. Maybe not? Good food, romance, gorgeous scenery, treats and warm and cute people.
And yet ... I think what I'm describing now is true for every summit she reaches. At least through my eyes but I'm sure there was no magic that made it fit only for me.
I've come to a place that seems to have come out of fairy tales, everything as perfect as it can be. There's nothing like the first evening. Wandering around Rome and wanting to sip all this magic into us. The darkness combined with the Christmas lights blurs the senses and mingles together into a seductive mystery of everything that is unfamiliar and can not be contained at the moment. Under the darkness there is a world. A world of people who speak a little differently, who behave a little differently and that we will never be able to reach the level of familiarity with their world as those who were born and raised.
Perhaps she also added to curiosity the reading of the first book of Neapolitan novels that hold an entire world that does not belong to me and which includes behavior, such as a father who beats his wife and children, is a matter of routine. It is interesting how the human psyche can adapt to different situations. What we seem to be completely natural to others is strange and strange and vice versa. Although the characters in the story try their luck escape from the reality they found but they live and function within this reality and partly thanks to it, because it gives them the drive to learn and develop in order to break through the "walls" neighborhood.
That was the first evening. Mysterious, intriguing, one-time, like a first kiss or a first appearance in front of an audience. The power of the initial moments. We are such weird animals. We want the initial, eager for excitement, for the initial taste of contact with what we longed for, to remove the veil above the secrets of life, the unattainable desire for its contents. We also want to hold on to those things and keep them, to make them ours, our own, under our control. But then there is a reversal that is at the center of many absurdities. The moment we hold on, it changes its seductive nature for us. The first touch of lips that are not mine on my lips. How exciting, a new world is open to me. A world of closeness, of tasting another person, of submission, of control and surrender simultaneously. This sensation fills me all, the body moves calmly but inside swirls, another moment explodes from the fulfillment of the moment I wished. Only at that very moment did the turnaround occur. From now on, a kiss alone will no longer give the same thrill. Maybe just a kiss with a very special person, maybe someone I'm not likely to kiss. With the next kiss I will feel the need to acquire skill. I will feel how the tongue does not always know its way and how its teeth touch my own and how it makes me think that at this very moment its bacteria are mixing with my own, and then thinking about whether I am now planting anticipation of the next kisses, or the thought that maybe it is still unattainable for me and me To keep myself from being disappointed later on.
We will return to Rome. The second day still contained some measure of mystery and excitement. They do not contain Rome in one day. But like all the good feelings, the sense of excitement also passed and the mind returned to full function. The more I delved into the Neapolitan novel, the more colors and wisdom and beauty were painted. Their desire to fulfill themselves in all their splendor and jealousy stuck to me and were insatiable. Who am I compared to those young women who already in their childhood could read entire libraries in different languages? Even if I had the time, I do not have the willpower. It would be better for me to return to my banal and routine life. But Elena Greco also does not feel that her external world contains her inner world. She, too, felt that she had to reduce herself to the world in which she lived. And me? How dare I feel that way? And yet I sometimes feel that way. I feel a little like Meir Ariel's song, "How does the wagon ride? There's no stop" and I'm in it for a moment looking from the outside and I'm not sure where I want to go.
And yet ... where I am already there is already a lot of good and there are many possibilities of reality in the future. Beyond the initial thrills, like the one that leads to a new and enchanting place, there is also the satisfaction that comes from hard work, and it stays with us for a long time. The hard work itself makes it possible to experience the world, to taste the new, when the new can also be old, inside it is possible to discover another face. Happiness is what is given to you as it is momentary. The happiness of what you create for yourself is longer. The more I hold myself, the more my world will contain myself.
The world sometimes limits it so it frightens us. We are afraid to get lost, to get to dark places from which it is difficult to return, to change. How afraid we are to change. But only from the possibility of changing ourselves at any given moment we are able to grow. Only from the possibility of changing and changing can we truly reach the places we dream about. True, no one promises success, and right, it requires hard work. After all, there are people who can not settle for the comfort and acceptance of things as they are and want to explore and create, even if at times prefer to flow and release because it is also important. Maybe we are all to some extent, I suppose I am so largely because when I am not faithful to this need, I experience anger at myself and despair that shake me up and oblige me to listen to myself more.
I'm not quite there yet, I do not trust myself enough yet. But it's possible. I know that. If there is something that is safe and possible it is freedom to choose. We always have it, even if it does not.