/ˈɜrθˌkweɪk/ NOUN : The myth of solid ground

One night I was laying in my bed doing a meditation. A wave of supreme bliss suddenly poured over me, and I remember thinking to myself "I have never felt so happy and secure in all my life." Maybe an exaggerated statement, but it was just that serene and grounded. In that very moment the house began to quake.

Here is an audio file of me reading this post out loud if you would like to listen and read..

I didnt edit or filter it in any way, so you hear mouse clicks and computer hums... it is what it is! :)

There aren't many earthquakes where I live. And certainly not like this one. It was just a big tremor by many standards, but for me it was completely unexpected. I live near a train yard, where the trains smash and rearrange and smash some more, so I thought my bed was shaking from the trains.

It got stronger. I sat up. The walls creaked. A sickly swaying began. At this point I fully realized it was an earthquake and did what every dummy is told doesn't really help but for some reason I did it anyway: I headed for the door frame. I stepped on my dog. He screamed.

I live near enough to the Yellowstone Supervolcano, that crap like this puts the fear of total annihilation in me. Since earthquakes rarely ever happen here, in the few seconds I was in the doorway, I wondered if it was the end. What total evaporation would feel like. I never think about the supervolcano. But that time I did! And so did everyone else in my state, because the earthquake was a 6, and felt for many miles. Facebook was aflutter with post-panic venting and exclamations of relief. I had a PTSD response, and even though i knew we were all fine, i just kept reliving the sensation of the swaying, and hearing the walls crack.

Last night I was teaching English, and my student asked me how to say the word Earthquake. It's actually quite a complicated set of sounds. To say it, you have to destroy it. Kind of fitting. We disassembled the word earthquake, and put it back together again. I told my student, "its like rrrrrrrrrrrrth kway k." I made a recording of myself saying it for her. Rrrrrrrth quake. Rrrrrrrrrr.

And today I had that lovely bird experience, and felt so peaceful all day. And capable, and happy, and grounded. I was minding my own business on this wavelength when I got a text. I don't feel like sharing all that here, but it was a disappointing bit of news that shook me off my course for a moment.

I have this inner negative voice that wants to says "SEE? It is not safe to feel safe. It is not sane to feel secure. The ground is always going to shift out from under you right when you are feeling good. How will you ever feel good?"

But for effs sake I just cant sit here on the ground after being knocked on my ass. I really do have to just dust myself off as soon as possible and get back up. Its important to know our feelings and feel them, but then , as soon as the ground is stable again, just get up.

I wanted to write this out because I am trying to blog a lot more. And I am trying to create a way to keep myself accountable to the things I am determined to do. I also think that life is kind of like an art project, and a creative process is always unfolding.

I am very, very prone to anxiety. And if you look at the context of my life, it makes sense why. But I am trying to just embrace the sensations and accept them as part of everything, and move on , without suppressing, without repressing, without denial or shame.

If the ground is going to keep moving, then so will I.

xo,