I’m doing a second poem. Hopefully I can do a wee bit better this time with guidance and feedback from @poetrybyjeremy and tips from @damianjayclay.
I’ve been feeling so helpless and sad about a tragedy of a grandma strangling her 6-ish grandson to death. I couldn’t believe what I was watching on news. The sorrow has been on my mind. Sighing....
I can’t do anything about that at all but hope that the boy is being taken care of in the heaven and may have a better next life.
The poem
Children have endless energy
They may be grumpy and lippy
They may not regulate self control well
Parents and guardians have emotional roller-coaster rides day in and day out
Grandma might have not taken it anymore
She might have emotional meltdowns
She might have felt helpless
But she has gone completely off-track
Every family faces hardships of different kinds
We may give a hand to try to resolve
We may listen to try to understand
But outsiders hardly tackle each hardship inside-out
Boy, we cannot change what has happened
But boy, don’t be afraid, you are now being well taken of by angels
May you flourish in your next life
My condolences to the family
Nice post!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
RIP, 活躍症的問題始終系香港一個好大的問題，因為醫院的醫療都唔系好普及。
而且婆婆都有精神病同埋情緒病。雖然唔可以話系這是原因，只系好可惜。
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
照顧細路 有時會好攰同無助 尤其細路需要更多照顧
但有更好方法....
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
政府的醫療系統一直有問題
其實如果可以多點付出，悲劇未必一定會發生
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
我有個朋友系精神科 系公立醫院攞左專科牌做多幾年 而家自己出黎輕鬆開檔 而家每個症可以傾多D 以前有數量指標 為左夠數 唔太深入
政府野一系就快唔得 如果唔系慢慢排 一系到你 但一般比較求其.....無辦法
病人自求多福 一系有人睇住 就好d
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
its so sad reading these stories. Looking after kids you really need alot of patience and energy.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
It’s always daunting physically and mentally. I have endless respect for full time moms or guardians .
On this occasion, Could’ve had a better way out that could have prevented this.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Congratulations @prch! You have completed some achievement on Steemit and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :
Click on any badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.
To support your work, I also upvoted your post!
For more information about SteemitBoard, click here
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPDownvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Hello, as a member of @steemdunk you have received a free courtesy boost! Steemdunk is an automated curation platform that is easy to use and built for the community. Join us at https://steemdunk.xyz
Upvote this comment to support the bot and increase your future rewards!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
How can a person kill a kid!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Completely has done wrong the grandma. Tragic.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Hey bro, I liked your poem. I think you could use a bit more punctuations, but if this is your style than Ok. Poetry is free so don't mind my comment if you don't agree :)
Anyway glad to have fellow poet beginner here. We grow together ;)
Much love, Luka.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Thanks for the feedback and encouragement. I’m still new to poetry and have lots of things to learn, so I can polish and write better.
Yes, giving feedback to each other can help us grow in poetry. :-)
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Such a sad and horrible story. It is so nice of you to make it a little bit better with this lovely song. You did a really nice thing here. Thank you 💚
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Ya, that’s a tragedy and they could have had another way to sort it.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
That was quite emotional - the way your poem progresses it's beautiful. from a general view of children, to the grandma (and you describe her and make her human), the difficulty and the sad ending. Keep going x
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Thanks for your candid feedback and useful suggestions last time.
I worked this one out with the help of your suggestions.
Anything the second poem could have done better this time? Looking forward to your feedback. :-)
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
I know English is not your first language, so I try not to go too hard on criticising, because it all comes slowly. One thing I would suggest here is rather than using words such as 'might' or 'may', which give out a possibility, you may describe something more concretely and commit to it. I understand that in this case, since you are writing about a real story and you do not know the whole truth, it might be 'bad' to assume or give them a feeling that they did not have - however, as for poetry, possibilities don't make as much impact.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Thought I always needed to remain 'objective', not to cross the line of putting too much in it. But poetry is definitely sentimental as a personal outlet to vent my own emotions.
Thanks for another piece of priceless advice. Have a good day.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Descriptive is nice. The thing is, when you use 'may' or 'might' it no longer stays as objective. There's no necessary big rule, but generally, the more precise/descriptive you are, the more it helps.
The child misbehaved and got on grandma's nerve. It might not be the truth (that's a journalist's job), but you are definitely portraying a more emotional story ;)
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Grateful for your help. Been learning lots from you. :-)
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
poor child.... and poor grandma... people say that one of the worst things that could happen is to see a son/daughter pass away... that's something none is prepared to face. This kind words you write in your poem are good to bring some strength and peace of mind to the grandma
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Staying alive is and will probably be worse than dying for the grandma, emotional turmoil of her taking the boy's life will be there for the rest of her life.
May the boy resting in the arms of jesus.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
What a powerful condolences message @prch
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Thanks for stopping by.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit