Hindsight

I didn't know what you were, until I lost you
Until I lost you- I could not admit it to myself
That there was love, that I knew you never had
So I did not thrust it upon you, but kept it sealed
I know I will never see you
I know I cannot seek you out, as I habitually avoided the places we haunt
I heard your voice in every wind
Broken and crazed, stinking with shame and humiliation part of me died
Collapsed, while I thought of not going on
Weeks and months with no light, no contact.
I accepted the end, made peace, felt a lump rise in my gut as I knew that we would only meet again in dreams
I did not know why, I did not even know how you went about it
Somewhere, you may be happy. On your own or with another. Maybe you know it was all unique
No one made me happier, even when it was to worship you and caress your feet
Perhaps I am gone from your mind, something better forgotten by distance and time
Anger and pain, lashing forth when I knew it was gone
the feeling, the clear light of a summer nights stars in your eyes
I knew what it was to make love, leading you by the hand
Now I know, about all those love songs I could never understand
I was broken, pathetic. Weeping. Openhearted for the first time. Deprecating myself because I had lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
It broke my heart because I was fighting a battle I could not win, woke every morning with an empty soul
I can never forget. I saw you in everything, still heard your voice
I used to think it folly, when people talked about the One
Now I know, not just the one, but the one that got away
I was yours, you were mine. Now just a memory fading with time
I did all I could to make you a queen.
You were so special to me, my best friend. I could not let go, so I burned the bridge
We were cruel to one another, as cruel as nature's will
I am lost, lost without you. I do not know what to do. I still care, but I care knowing how much I hurt you
You are done with me, but I know not whether you harbor hate
Whether you think of me during the best moments. Whether you miss the hours next to one another, the loving touch, the kisses with grand passion or the way we held each other for hours
I will never have anything like you again. I was so happy. I still am not whole without you
I have a pale hope, that if I ever run into you, I can walk by without anger, without regret
and that you may say something to me beyond the politeness you promised me. That when I see your eyes, I will find something in them that cannot lie. I wonder whether you read all the positive things in the correspondence. Whether they touched your heart. I was not fair to you when it came to an end, because I could not believe it
You are not a bad person. your soul is magnetic. Your voice a precision. Your mind, a labyrinth where I could find no string to do the mythic Theseus deeds. I know you were falling for me. We came so close to that thing we were both seeking
I wish I had been strong, nothing felt right. I dreaded those lonely nights
Incomplete
No one can measure to you, no one ever will replace you.
You will think I am crazy. Very much so; love is but a madness