Chaotic Mind & A Broken Heart

in poetry •  7 years ago  (edited)

All that's left of you
are blurry images of your smiling face,
fading voices and sounds of your laughter
and a few hallucinating memories.

All that's left is you;
a little flickering spark on my heart
still longing for your presence.

Soon everything will be erased gradually
since it's been so long
I have been holding these fragments together
inside my information cluttered mind.

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Credit: Amit Bhandari ( https://www.facebook.com/creatovertamit/ )
Image source: Pexels.com

This is one of the first poems I have ever written.
I'm new at poetry so please provide constructive criticism

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The whimsy with a dash of nostalgia. I like it.

Thanks @zeroooc :)

First ever written Poem but wrote like a pro Poet !! Good Work Brother !!

Thanks man... I have yet to earn that tag for myself though. I'm not a poet :P

I know that, so don't tell me that again.

That's a nice name, but I like Emma better. Your new name is Emma.

Next time we speak, I will call you Hal. Will you remember this?

i sooo love your poem!!

Just read one of yours @deeday31 . "Blunted Emotions" .
This is nowhere near the level of what you've written. I do not write poetry usually !

It's ok. .i am also a newbie in poetry.. sometimes i feel makinh poem that can easily relates to my daily mood so that im able to express myself freely.. i consider yours a one amazing masterpiece because it is so deep 😊☺😊😍

Wow... @deeday31 :) Thank you so much for your compliments :) I'm on cloud nine right now lol :D

Quite lovely!

If I could give one piece of criticism, I think you could have maintained the schema of "you" for the second stanza. Like so:

All that's left of you
are blurry images of your smiling face,
fading voices and sounds of your laughter
and a few hallucinating memories.

All that's left is you;
a little flickering spark on my heart
still longing for your presence.

I feel it rhythmically flows better.

How did I miss it?
Thank you so much @littlezebra :) I've updated it!
This is why I love Steemit... Everyone is so supportive and generous.
This one got no response on my FB wall.
Thank you again!
Quitting FB soon lol :D

Very nice I've always liked poems I've just never been very good at writing them. My favorite are haiku's. Maybe because they're easy lol. I don't think I'd remember my first poem if I tried. Did you have it in a poetry journal?

No I don't have a poetry journal and I don't write poetry too. I like to read poetry though... and sometimes feelings just overflows and spills on paper :D

Oh I thought it was your first, written a while back, but it's your recent first! Very good!

@bitfiend brother It was written a while back on Facebook... but it is one of my first poems :D

Wow nice poem! Really touching, loved the phrase

I have been holding these fragments together

Thanks for sharing!

Thank you so much @jokossita ... A compliment from a writer like you really boosts up my self-esteem :)

The key is to be consistant. A pro writer is an amateur who never quit.

Wow... That's powerful! @jokossita . I'll keep that in mind :)

Nice poetry, I love it, we often hold on to painful memories

@abmakko Thank you... It pierces your heart every time you remember it doesn't it?

yeah, the trick is letting go

Trying hard to do that @abmakko ... :D

a breakup poem.......a "i miss her" poem....feeeelsss

@asianetwork You've gone through it too?

Who hasn't? This poem is a proof of what made us human behind all the computers and technology. Cheers mate

Thanks for appreciating my work... :) Will keep on visiting your blog from time to time too :)

Keep writing =)

Sure Reena :)

Good post, thanks for share

Glad you loved it @indraperdanaok
I rarely write poetry but I read a lot of them to learn about writing styles.
I'll craft some beautiful ones soon...

Welcome my friends, i like it
please support my post

@indraperdanaok keep posting interesting stuff... followed you :)

great! captivating composition.
Thanks for sharing this to us! Bless you!

Thank you @dante01 brother for your support. I'll craft some more beautiful poems :)

Lovely poetry! Have a nice day!

thank you sooo much @allesia . Have an awesome day :)

Nice one,keep it up

Creative

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