Dear @endless.drugs - to echo some of the other comments here, the shit comes in waves and sometimes you've gotta wipeout hard, learn the lessons, adjust, and just keep holding on until your head rises above the water again and the seas calm down. You have been through a lot at the age of 18 - and as much as you have dealt with, it seems you are learning the things you need to learn from these awful experiences. IE you know the relationship with your GF was not healthy and that some of your friends were putting themselves into very risky situations and sadly, paid the ultimate price. That perspective is so important. Things will get better, I promise you, but it will take some work and internal discipline of mastering the mind - and that work is daily. Remember - deep breaths, keep writing, and always reach out to your community - online or in person. We've got your back. And if you need to do some seemingly weird shit - like standing outside and just screaming at the top of your lungs to get it out, running naked around the farm, or hitching a ride into the city to sing and dance in front of strangers on city streets. Just do it. Listen to your gut first, heart second, mind third. Sending all the love - Heather