“I think you got me wrong!” He smiled brightly.
I said nothing.
“It's just that I have a wife and daughter.”
He looked little to me now, thin, even gaunt.
“You know I love you, baby.”
He was right.
That was all I had to weigh on the scales:
what I got,
what I have,
love leaving the room,
love on the run,
love here and gone.
His verbal applause always queued the closing of another stolen moment, one I had to keep secret for his domestic tranquility.
“I better go now.” His hand patting my knee,
An hour every few years,
An hour for his conscience,
An hour to ease all the other hours that I must be on his mind,
An hour to prove to myself that I have roots.
“I love you, Dini.”
“I love you too, papa.”
Made me sad. <3
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It's put me though such an array of emotions over the years -- all I can say is deadbeat papa!!! It's funny too as he thinks he's a great guy, and he is to his other family.
I'm grateful to have found peace and resolution over my experience with parents -- I do not hold a grudge or feel sorry for myself. There is a strange narrative that runs through my mind when I sit down to write about it, or even ponder it all, one that gives me the power over the circumstances rather than putting me into a victim arc in this story.
I feel like there is so much more to everything, stuff we are not aware of for whatever reasons, like a memory wipe at birth... who knows, it helps me stay out of the "poor me" lands and gives me a well to tap from creatively. <3
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Good for you. I lost my father by death when I was 5, and though I know it's totally different from your experience, I find that over the years it has made me stronger in some way. <3
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I am sorry to hear that, so young to lose your Papa. I am not sure whats made you a great writer but surely losing your father so young brought a lot of depth to you and your talent for prose and poetry.
I do believe the hard stuff in life is about making us wiser, stronger, more resilient (for me and imo). I always feel like it's a loss when one shuts down and becomes brittle (unless that gets worked through), that is the saddest thing.
Time helps, I have always found that to be true... but I'm not sure if it's time, or distance from trauma.
I also note that there is no "canned" experience as we all process from a different vantage point, you know, the whole spider and fly meme (What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly).
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I absolutely agree. Everything is unique to our perspective and perception... and also our actions. <3
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<3
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