utopia

Today in Tampa it's a rainy day so I think this poem I wrote a couple months ago is quite fitting for the mood I feel today. I have been writing poetry as an outlet to deal with emotions for as long as I can remember it never really came across as the rhymy stuff you learn to pen in grade school I just grabbed a notebook and wrote everything that came to my mind whenever I felt the words were ready to overflow. I felt so much sadness growing up, due to a tough childhood dealing with the mental illness of a parent and pretty extreme poverty. I don't regret that I was in this situation as it gave me a viewpoint on life that allotted for me to have a great deal of appreciation for the circumstances that create the choices we make daily. Your past can only control your future if you allow it to. If you give it power over your life you sacrifice your future to past decisions. Sadness is an emotion like any other I don't run from it I experience and learn from it and move on when it is time. It can be beautiful and it can be debilitating, balance is one of the most important lessons life's experiences will teach you. Anyways I hope you enjoy on this beautiful day.

Can I learn to write metaphorically

to make my feelings feel more all right.

If I could pen more eloquently and less honestly

maybe I wouldn’t be afraid to share what I write

but the depths of my soul

surface within my poetry

the darkness of my heart

feels most comforted

when ink bleeds

on white pages

not hyper-aware

that what emerges may not be accepted.

I paid enough debts to the gods

to purchase my freedom

what remains?

what am I chained to?

how can I explain

that the smile on my face

is not a reflection

of my innermost discussions.

If I were to drop my guard

and reveal the rotted corpse inside

how fast would you abandon my side

if positivity is a brain state

is my reality self created?

guide me to the switch

darkness engulfs,

doing everything not to lose my grip.

I’ve always wanted to write more

but who would listen to a sad girl

with a sad story there’s no illusion

a good conclusion brings joy

but that’s not my purpose

to satisfy the masses

with fables and fantasies

to chase a utopia

what of the ones

who don’t foolishly try to outrun

the unmoving cloud of sadness

you won’t see it coming

but it will hold you at night.

sensitive to the cold because it is all I feel inside

sun, I need your warm embrace to bring balance.