I wrote this poem in December, and have been waiting for a right time to share it. With this piece, I had challenged myself to break my usual structure and attempt to let the poem speak.
Eternal Torment
Desolation’s mistress
wailing in agony,
her fate hexed by
her lover’s spouse,
Misery.
she pursued death
in a pond of Sorrow,
awoken by a peck on her lips,
a wrath of Fury unleashed
from deep within.
with her shaking hands
she clasped Remorse,
her chest pierced
by the dagger
she honed.
a damned eternity
Tormented by retribution,
her vile heart
had long forecast
tempests of self-Loathing.
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You really posses great poetic skills, keep it up
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I am glad you think so :) Thank you
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Whoa your poetic skills -
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Wow this is a great poetry @poetrybyjetemy
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A piece that certainly speaks to the eternal in the most unforgiving way, it was most interesting to see which emotions and emotional personifications you capitalized throughout this piece.
I enjoyed your experimenting with space and form, Jeremy; I know people go both ways on such things, but it's something I have always found aesthetically pleasing, at the very least.
Thank you for the share, mate!
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It's something I want to experiment more with - space and form. Have the poem speak in its own right, rather than pouring it in a mould. Hopefully, this leads to better poetry from my end, more creativity, less block!
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Have you heard about the Daily Dose... We love to include your poetry and prose :P
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This is amazing, good work, keep it up
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That is one deep poem, my friend. From what I understood she killed herself right?
"with her shaking hands
she clasped Remorse,
her chest pierced
by the dagger
she honed."
You have some talent, my friend for writing poems. Keep on writing. :)
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Metaphorically, yes. She stabs herself - with remorse, self-loathing, and she spends a lifetime and her eternity damning herself. I suppose that's much crueler fate than death.
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Little dark story, but you wrote it great. :)
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thank you. It is quite dark, indeed.
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This is an ambitious and beautiful poem. May I, with respect, make a suggestion? If the protagonist's torment is, as the title indicates, eternal, I would prefer to hear this poem in the present tense ("pursuing death/in a pond of Sorrow", "with her shaking hands/clasping (or maybe "she clasps") Remorse", and so on). To me the past tense makes it feel like it's over, whereas the present tense makes it feel ongoing.
Just a thought. Take it, as all critique, with a grain of salt 😉
Really loving reading your work this morning J!
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Oh, that's a quite helpful critique, actually. I do play and lose myself in senses. It's kind of my weakness. I did start the poem in a present tense "Desolation’s mistress wailing in agony," - so it is definitely interesting to try and see why I lost myself along the way. I do need to pay more attention to the tenses! Thank you :)
And thank you for your lovely feedback
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