You Win

One of my newest pieces, written February 2018.

YOU WIN
Today has been one of those days
Where everything that happens you need like a shot to the head
But at least after that you end up dead
No constant questioning, no permanent mess-heading
No more stress-levelling, no more nestwrecking
Because as a depressive aspergic with suicidal tendencies
I find I've become allergic to the signs of idle codepency
So you win, yes, I'm sorry, I'm coming in from your frost
Huddling by another's fire, I feel I've gone ten rounds and lost
I feel pummelled in the depths of my soul, and the cost is just too high
You win, you're the bigger man, I'm the joke without a punchline
You win, I'm Unreasonable, capital U
The overlord whose capital punishment you went through
Now I'm cast off to die in the pits
I'm in bits, so you win
People laughed, we look so similar - guess I'm the evil twin
To you I'm a canker, cantankerous carbuncle sore
But this is me crying 'uncle', I can't take any more
I'm hurting. I'm bored with being gored by your horns without warning
So maybe we both baited one another but I'm eviscerated by your hatred and harsh words
I thought this was love, not war
But I was wrong
And I wasn't strong, no not enough to go into battle without armour on
They say orgasm is the biggest oxytocin release after childbirth
I was on a love high with you, now I'm back down on earth
And if when I'm honest you fly into rages
It's hard to believe we're not boom and bust
Harder still to turn the pages and relearn, re-earn our love and trust
Even worse when I see how easy it is for you to drop me
How all it takes is a statement, a shape meant to imprint on the tracing paper of your mind
For you to draw the line
And declare 'you're no longer mine' and put me down
And now you're here on the battlefield, still glorious, flag unfurled
Maybe to you I was just a jewel in your crown
But to me you were the world.

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