Nothing, just Nothing
There’s nothing in my head,
It’s keeping me out of bed.
There’s nothing in my brain,
No happiness, No sadness, No pain.
There are no thoughts cycling around,
The inside of my head’s like a ghost town.
In all these entangled wires,
There’s nothing today that inspires
All the things I’ve thought of have failed,
And today I don’t feel as though I was impaled.
I had a pretty decent time,
I had no troubles with people or my mind.
There’s no anguish or laughter to source from,
There’s no desire to look back into the past,
And pull out one of the many broken casts,
There’s no reason for me to complain,
Just because today was a mellow day
There was nothing spectacular that changed the way I think,
There was no event that made me want to shrink
into a protective ball and roll down the hall.
Sure, there were a couple fights, but nothing can ruin this mellow night
Note: If there are any spelling errors or things you disagree with, I would appreciate it if you let me know :)
By Ethan
2018/01/09
Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! If you did and want to hear more you can follow me here (^~^) <(^~^<)
Hello, Ethan! I wanted to stop by and provide feedback, since you requested it. I’m going to break your piece down by stanzas, then provide an overall review.
The first stanza is fairly straightforward. It captures the idea of an emotional void rather well and is clear on its meaning. Mechanically speaking, the comma after the first line should be a period. While some will argue against correct punctuation in poetry, your style does not require a dismissal of the rules. Therefore, because line 1 and 2 are both independent clauses, a comma fits better. Also, the syllabic distribution between the lines is a bit offputting. It’s not a massive issue, but I thought I’d address it. Rather than “it is keeping”, I would change it to “it keeps.” For one, it keeps us simple present. Secondly, that extra syllable in the second line breaks the natural rhythm you’ve created. I would also change the comma after brain to a colon because of the list in line 4. I also do not believe you need to capitalize No all three times. It draws too much emphasis to the wrong places.
I like the simile in line 6, but I think you can remove “the inside of” so that it reads my head is a ghost town. Again, all of this has to do with syllable structure. You also should change the comma after around to a period (two complete sentences should not be separated by a comma. That’s a comma splice.)
I’m not a huge fan of the third stanza. I would remove it.
For the fourth stanza, the extra line destroys your rhyme and the rhythm. Start the stanza with”There’s no desire” and change into to to. Small change but it does wonders for the reading. This is the first stanza other than the third where it felt like the rhyme was forced. Look at the “pull out” line and play around with it. See if you can incorporate looking into the future for a nice contrast.
For the final stanza, the internal rhyme with ball and hall is excellent, but you need to fix the final line. If you’re going to write an entire poem with rhyme, the line that doesn’t rhyme has to be earth shattering, and at the moment it isn’t. Instead of focusing on the mellow night as the closer, see if you can’t incorporate a way to use nothing Or everything (the latter would, again, create an excellent contrast.)
Overall, this poem was fun. The topic itself is depressing, but this read sort of whimsically. The biggest thing you need to work on is syllable distribution and structure. Otherwise, I think you’re on the right track.
If you have any questions, please ask. I teach writing for a living, and I love nothing more than helping other poets.
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Such a serious comment! It makes me feel great to know there's people who actually takes their time to make a comment like this, good job!
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@introvertfl This is such a great comment. I would love it if you could check out some of my writing and offer your advice?
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with the No I wanted to make sure that there was a large emphasis place on the fact that there was no information in my head.
I appreciate you stopping by to help me out, I also didn't enjoy the third stanza, but I wanted to give a clear indication that my normal sources of poetry had run dry. I haven't worked with syllable distribution but I will look into it.
I wrote this early yesterday morning, and it didn't come out as well as I hope, I rewrote the poem several times before I was able to find words that stuck...
Again I am really grateful for the help :D
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Please guys i'll need you to upvite my posts. I just joined steemit few days ago.. And i don't have upvotes and views to my post. Please you guys should help. It will be appreciated. https://steemit.com/@geraldmccarny
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First tip I always give... Don't vote bed, nine out of ten times it will be flagged pulling down your reputation.
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I enjoyed these poem..I wish I can feel that way.no sorrow no pain,just free from stress. .free from the taught of dis world..but it is impossible. .as far as you are in this world,you are not free.the only thing that make u feel that way is weed and death...dope poem.thumbs up
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Man, that's a true fact of this world, but you can become a little free if you get to do things your way. I always say: What is life, if you can't do what you want? First step to reach freedom: Work for yourself! Freedom is but a way of living, enjoy all the little things life has to offer and keep going!
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Excelente post amigo! saludos desde Venezuela:)
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I love this . keep this good work
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Great poetry. You asked for a spell check: "thing's" should be "things" :)
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Thank you :D must've evaded my check
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hi @xxsenpaixsamaxx beautiful poetry I appreciate your poetry bravo
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Wow!!
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The opposite of love is apathy, which sometimes isn’t all bad...
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Your poetry dear always touch my heart. ♥
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Wow what a beautiful poem @xxsenpaixsamaxx, love can sometimes lead us to feel nothing.
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Beautiful!
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Very nice.
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XD this image is perfect :D
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Great
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I enjoyed your poem, however I felt the rhyming takes away from it. At least from my perspective! The end rhymes felt forced, and I feel if you broke the rhyme scheme your thoughts would flow stronger. Just an idea =)
I would love some feedback on my poem!
https://steemit.com/poem/@sixshot/alesia-poem
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Yeah so I was told, I was pretty beat when I wrote this XD I will do better in my next one
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YOUR POEMS OF TRUTH TOUCH THE SOUL ... I AM NEW SUPPORT ME IN MY POST https://steemit.com/anime/@ramsesuchiha/best-opening-anime
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Great work there!
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