Return ~ Original Poetry

Today I was at a patient’s house to whom I have a history of working with. This patient typically does not want to partake in any part of her treatment session; always coming up with another excuse. I often plan to see her last as I know it is an easy treatment in which I can put little effort in at the end of the day.

Today she made her typical excuse about her stomach not feeling well and being dizzy. I went about my typical speal of the importance of exercising and moving to stay healthy. However, as I start this I did something different. I found myself saying, “Let me check your vitals.” Every time in the past I never check her vitals because I know she is making up excuses. But today, without thinking I did- they were all within normal range. Then I tried my same speal of the importance of exercising as her vitals were good. I noticed as I pushed more she became resistant. I stopped for a moment… the next thing out of my mouth was, “I am not going to push you to do anything you don’t want to do but I am here to support you because I care about you and your health. I want to see you happy and healthy.”

In this moment I felt the genuine human care I felt toward her as I saw her demeanor change. It was in this moment we both softened and met each other on the most basic human level of care. As I walked out of her house I couldn’t help but see myself as her. I had a flash to the times when I sit in fear, defeated- unable to help myself because the weight is too much too bear. It is in these times the most precious gift is the life all around which feeds the soul. This life may be offered in words spoken to from another’s heart, a stranger’s genuine glance, music from another’s soul, or simply the breeze that brushes along your cheek reminding you that we are all in this together.

Together we thrive, together we are… even in times when it feels like we are the only soul which bleeds. As professionals it is easy to hide behind our role, so to speak. I notice myself remaining aloof and distant, sometimes just to get through a long day. It’s been my coping mechanism since I got burnout out from caring too much. But what I am starting to see is: it isn’t my job to “save” her. She may never do the exercises. But today, she saved me in reminding me of my humanness. In reminding me that I show up for others when I show up for myself. I don’t need to “do” anything, all I can do is be. To feel the pain, the sorrows, the joy, and the gratitude in community. To be with her in her moment of suffering and to allow myself to feel those parts in me. Not becoming overwhelmed in her feelings or removing myself from them but simply opening space for support, for love so she could see her own strength and beauty.

Giving and Receiving as One

When I look at you, I see my flesh and bones
Wrinkled beneath the stories that no longer sing
Through the softness of your brittle lips
Years of life that weave the making of years to come

But there are times, I forget
I forget the magic that weaves us one
I lose the insight
Leaving foresight
Abay in the abyass of destiny

Upon the drift, I return.
I return to the magic that weaves us one
Where our mind meets in tender care
In buoyant awareness,
Of the single action united in ebb and flow

It is here that I return
I return to you
As I return to me
And WE are awake again

It is in this moment that I think we provide out best patient care. Each day I ebb and flow in an out of this and my heart pains when I am not in this space. This is the very thing that haunts me and guides me back to presence. This is moral and ethical awareness and when we look we can’t turn away.

~Zuse

Photo Credit: Stephanie Grande Photography