Big Pharma Wants Slower More Expensive Drugs For Lethal Injection
Pharmaceutical titan, Pfizer, announced on Friday that they were imposing sweeping controls limiting the use of their drugs for the purpose of execution by lethal injection. They join a growing list of big pharma companies coming out strongly in opposition to their products being used for state sanctioned killing.
A spokesman for the company stated that, “The use of our drugs for lethal injection runs against everything we stand for as a corporation.” When asked to expand on their surprising opposition to capital punishment, the spokesperson offered a clarification, “Please, don’t misunderstand me. It’s not that we’re against using our drugs to kill people. It’s the speed of the process that disturbs us. Death is integral to who we are. We just want the process to be slower and more expensive.” The spokesman revealed that for years their lobbyists have been quietly writing bills for congress attempting to legislate the exclusive use of their drugs for executing criminals in a long-drawn-out manner.
The spokesman went on to explain that one of the more promising drugs for this style of execution would be second generation antipsychotics, which have been shown to cause metabolic syndrome, a cluster of symptoms that increases the probability for heart disease. “Those would be perfect!” he said gleefully, “They can be administered for years before causing eventual death, and they’re very expensive. Those are what we in the industry jokingly call ‘a miracle cure.’”
Some states have responded to the lethal injection embargo by reverting to the electric chair as their preferred method of execution. GE is said to be in favor of the move, citing their support for any practice that increases consumption of electricity.
In response to the sweeping controls being at least partly motivated by pressure from Civil Rights groups the spokesman retorted, “That’s categorically absurd. The bottom line is we at Pfizer have always operated on the parasitic model of medicine. A good parasite doesn’t kill it’s host rapidly. Instead, it slowly drains their resources over a long period of time, extracting every possible ounce of their life force. No, this was the easiest decision we’ve made since we shelved the cure for cancer.”
(File under 'satire' and 'no it's not real')