I love a royal wedding: it presents so many opportunities to screw the country over!

More fun than opening a can of AIDS and smearing it over your plebby arses before ramming it home with a 14 inch strap-on!

Lowborn of Britain, take a moment from tilling your fields to marvel at the sight of the wedding of an MK-Ultra Hollywood-brainwashed Cindy doll and former Harvey Weinstein BDSM slave to a thick ginger cunt.

I am personally very pleased, because an event of this magnitude is a brilliant chance to do some seriously cool things without any of you noticing.

In fact, so many wonderful things have come out of this already. Like the leader of Windsor council using it as an excuse to clear the streets of scummy vagrants by having all the homeless wasters dipped in baths of acid.

I've personally used the time to give peerages to a bunch of former ministers, including a hellfire and brimstone Presbyterian minister who advocated airstrikes on the Republic of Ireland and who led the prayers at the funerals of a couple of former paramilitaries who accidentally blew themselves up before they could plant bombs in a few schools. What a guy!!!

Yes, yes, I know I said I would end the practice of appointing my political mates, but I just couldn't help myself.

You aren't invited, but you're picking up the tab

Possibly the most lovely thing, which will excite you all, is that you lot get to pick up the bill, which by some estimates could be around 30 Million quid.

Now, I know you'll all squark for a couple of minutes about this, so I've decided to offset the cost by cancelling all disability benefits for Autistic kids... I mean, isn't it so much better to feel good about being British than worrying about a few Biffa's who will never contribute to paying down the country's debt?

Now, I know some of you aren't in the least bit interested (around 66% of you according to the polls) but I do expect you to make an extra special effort today, as I have a ton of bad news I'd like to bury in all the pomp and circumstance today.

That's right. It's absolutely more important to fawn like gay rabbits all over the spectacle of a self-named feminist, former UN ambassador for women, and descendant of colonial slaves, wearing a £100,000 Givenchy dress for one day before spending the rest of her life grinning robotically at Gala dinners, and writing her name as "HRH Meghan the Duchess of Sussex".

Prince charles has called dibs on the page boys

Of course, I've heard some of those grubby lefties whinge that this wedding is a complete farce, and inappropriately unbalanced, so I tell you what, I've decided to give the Saudi's more super cool weapons so they can carpet bomb the fuck out of a few more Yemeni weddings. That should even things up, don't you think?

So snap to it, you grotesque commoners, and love the fact that here in modern, progressive Britain, we still know how to put on a show that will help you forget your dreary austere lives for just a few moments.

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AND DON'T FORGET TO CAST YOUR WITNESS VOTE FOR ME. (or I'll have your favourite grandparent shot on her doorstep...remember Jill Dando?