A sterialized mind

Do you recall the first time you encountered porn? I remember that day very clearly and once I did, I knew that a line had been crossed. An awakening of sensations which were foreign yet familiar arouse in me ... almost like a switch had been turned on; the lights flickered for a bit then floods of sexual thoughts came rushing to my head (dare I say, almost like memories from a past). It has always fascinated me to know how others responded to their first time exposed to this type of material. Was it as energizing or liberating as it had been for me? Did you feel guilty? or was it beautiful? I'm not sure how to explain it, but for me things made sense after that. I felt like a great amount of stress had been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe my experience was more exaggerated due to my sheltered life.

As a child from the 80's, I did not have access to the internet and the shows we watched at home came from 3 free channels - nothing risqué ever came on. My parents were very strict religious types who never gave me the "talk" and at school I was always exempt from attending the sex-Ed part of my schooling (due to religious reasons). I was very sheltered.

My parents struggled financially all their life, so on that particular morning they were fighting about some bill - I, like many times before, snuck out of the house and headed to the playground down the street. I liked swigging by myself and just think about life.

While swinging, I noticed several torn pages of a magazine strewn about the sand lot. I walked curiously to see what it was about - thought it would be good to read something while swinging. I knew right away that this was different - the full, glossy colored pictures with little writing. I couldn't quite make out the picture at first - hills? leather seat? The page was ripped and the shot was tight. As I picked up the other pictures I took in the most beautiful blonde woman I had ever seen. She was wearing a white fur coat which only accentuated her "privates" - I felt dirty, yet it was beautiful at the same time. My throat was dry and my heart beat desperately in my throat. A pang of guilt in my conscience, and a panicked attempt to hide the pictures; I couldn't take this home lest I get caught by my parents. I tossed out all the ripped pictures and kept only the full frontal one as I returned to the swing. I memorized her body, her eyes, her curves, her soft down, and I wanted her - my throat was so dry. In the end I got rid of all the pictures ... but the blonde lady stayed with me for ever. Other images would eventually come, but nothing compared to the blonde lady; she accompanied me, leading me through the adventure that we call life.

On a separate note, I recently heard about couples who are so sheltered that they have no clue on what exactly they are supposed to do sexually once married. To some degree I can relate and that easily could have been me if I had my sterilized mind.