Being Auntie (sarcasm)- A study and a phenomenon

Note: The article has some Indian references and use of foreign languages. It will be kind of you to look for them on internet. Thanks.

Ever since the first sprout of humanity germinated on this mother Earth, the clouds have been roaring thunder and precipitating as if the god created some manufacturing defect in our civilization. As if the volcanoes knew that they will have to vanquish the Earth’s biodiversity once and for all so that our land can be protected from ‘something.’ From the past 19 years, all my eyes and ears have been involved in searching that one loophole, which might cause trouble to humanity even more than Osama Bin Laden, that ‘something’ which reaches to the very root of my hair, embracing it with strong claws and humping the deepest neurons present to mind bash all of my thoughts. My search ended at ‘Ram Bihari Pani Puri Wala,’ soon as I heard the magical words, ‘Thoda aur paani dalna bhaiyya.’
Peacefully minding my own damn business, I sat in a corner of a DTC bus (non-reserved seat) reading my book just when I heard a thump. I took a breath and ignored it for once but it seemed to follow me. With every word I read, thumps got louder until I saw a very giant stomach flashing in front of me, tightly kept between a petticoat and a blouse just so it won’t fall to ground due to gravity. The cracks on the reddish-brown skin suggested me of the years of experience and hard work and what not this old fighter of us have had, and now when it comes to retiring, it needs place to plonk. Being a good citizen of Incredible India, I vacated the seat. It would generally have been a good gesture until I speculated this creature. Was this the species I saw at that ‘Pani Puri Wala?’ “Thoda aur… pani, pani, pani… bhaiyya, bhaiyya…” words constantly reverberated in my brain and shook the very foundation of my soul. Was I looking at another Wonder of World? Up until now only great philosophers stated that this creature had been left behind in the race of paleontological evolution. I found it hard to believe but she threw a taunt regarding my headset out of nowhere and that too after giving up my seat. Flabbergasted, I decided to call this species ‘Auntie.’ And one good thing about these creatures is that they like to stay in a horde, they can never be spotted alone. So, it’s only natural that another Auntie followed her, and another, and another and naturally all the seats were vacated as if there was some kind of ‘Gangs of Auntiepur’ going on. As detailed my research about this mysterious creature is, I am entangled and can’t reach to a conclusion because more and more characters and characteristics keep popping up. Evidently ebough, Aunties crawl swiftly on the soil of Earth with the support of their male counterpart and their bodyguards, the ones who remain loyal and will take on a fight with any of you without knowing or countering any good logics of yours to mark its territory. I like to call this creature, ‘Uncle Ji.’ That is a whole thesis in itself and I won’t touch that subject.
Here are some of the factors about Aunties that might help one of the brighter and curious minds to resolve the understanding about them so that our world could be benefitted from it.

1. Appearance: The actual appearance of this creature still remains a deep mystery that even Mystery Inc.* couldn’t solve but most commonly it is seen wearing a Saree, braids flanked with oil, elephantine structure with a morbidly giant pot belly, always cussing around and about every little detail they can get hands on. These are called pure breeds. Now, there are hybrids and modernized breeds of this creature as well and from all the stats that I could get my hands on, the pie charts and area charts, all show that acceptance of hybrids in this society is far high due to their moderate and trimmed structure and this secret trait that pure breeds don’t have, called ‘keeping-nose-out-of-people’s-business.’ But then again some of the pure breeds have had rebelled to achieve a cooler status in the society at ‘The great battle of Auntikshetra,’ so till date no one claims to have the exact information about the physical appearance of this creature. Reports show that there was a man called ‘god’ distributing some free supplies of logic as well but the pure breeds being too cocky, refused it and preferred to land on mother Earth as we see them today.

2. Common Habits: Very proud and thankless creatures, Aunties are known to have a very brazenly judgmental brain. They do not think twice before judging a person from one look. Our sources suggest that now it’s in Aunties veins to judge at the first look. Some other common habits include asking for free ‘Mirchi’ with ‘Dhaniya,’ fighting with other pure breeds over some household issue like splitting money for plumber bill, cussing in a high pitched voice (almost resembling to cats screeching) until whole neighborhood doesn’t cover its ears with its own earlobes until resonating voice over a petty issue stops. For example, cussing a vegetable vendor for having rotten tomatoes in a way that taking offence is a far shot thing, he will start admiring the creativity of curses! Some other notable habits are forcefully snatching away non-reserved seats from innocent young passengers, demanding for feminine equality while being hypocrite and using feminism as a tool for their own benefit, asking for free chutney water at the end of swallowing gol gappas, accusing government for any random thing and most importantly, bitching and gossiping about neighbors and relatives with neighbors and relatives! We have been seeing an increase in the Auntie-effected patients in government hospitals a lot these days and a team of highly qualified doctors is working day and night to stop this plague of Auntiism but till now the top doctors and back end scientists have only said that this disease is spread verbally. So, you should at least keep a distance of several feets from bitching and gossiping, completely ignoring what Aunties are talking about and ‘thou shalt not get killed.’ Reports even say that smoking drags you to die 10 years sooner, and getting exposed to too much of direct Auntiism can kill you 20 years sooner!

3. Places to find and how to spot: Found generally in the most commonplace of households running errands like grocery shops, laundry, hell, vegetable vendors, temples and residential areas. Aunties also tend to mark their public dominance now at railways and bus stops too. Though it’s not the place you shall care about, it’s the spotting of auntie that makes it a task. As soon as you see a woman arguing about the bus fair and how it is a right for people to question the daily accustomed bus fares, voila! You have just spotted an Auntie. Another way to spot an Auntie is to focus on the way they talk to another one of their species. There is a golden sentence to this fact that our great team has molded it in an algorithm to help common people understand the third world talks and successfully ignore aunties to not get affected by Auntiism. It goes like, “xyz di kudi nu vekhya hai? Kivein nikki nikki skirtaan payi rakhdi aa!” (Translated to: have you seen xyz’s daughter? She wears short skirts!)
   Again, language can’t be a barrier for this disease.
   Probably the only good thing about being an Auntie is that there is no segregation between people of different caste, religion. They are just Aunties, together being auntie.
   I hope that all my readers will imply some immediate effective changes to the society that up until now no great philosopher/ dreamer/ visionary knows about to repel this upcoming doom, because if you don’t, I’ll join you on your couch as I couldn’t do anything as well. Don’t be an Auntie.
   -Harshit Rajpal
   (Proud and not yet affected by aunties)
   *Mystery Inc. is the name of detective company from a show called Scooby Doo.