At first I thought it was you. Maybe you just weren't ready to be engulfed in the kind of storm that I was. I made excuses for you. Every time you forgot a birthday or an anniversary, or left me behind in some way, I told myself maybe your head was filled with other important stuff. Maybe you had too much work to deal with at the office. I kept quiet and canceled dinner reservation after dinner reservation, stuffed myself on cake we were supposed to share and cracked open another bottle of red wine. And when you came home, I held you close and cuddled you to sleep, never asking any questions, careful not to nag. I wanted you to be happy.

Then I thought it was me. Maybe I was saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things. Perhaps you had given me signs that I ignored. Maybe there were things you needed me to be that I wasn't. I desperately wanted to be perfect for you. I wanted to tick all your boxes, and every time I failed to reach you, I cursed myself a little more and strove a little harder. Until it began to feel more like a chore and less like love.

Darling listen, this is what I've come to find out. It shouldn't ever have to feel like that. If it upsets you more than it makes you feel good, leave it behind. If all it does is take, your sanctity, your peace of mind, your joy..., giving nothing in return, you're better off without it. Pack your bags and leave. It'll surprise you how large the world is, and in it are people who'd love you, want you, desire you, hold your hand, continuously.

Most times, we fear that we might never find something like it again. We're afraid to take a step into unknown waters because, what if we drown? But you can never completely feel the water, if we've got only one foot in. You gotta put both feet in and wriggle your toes, Let the water calm you, and when you're ready, take more steps in, test the waters, let your feet graze the sand beneath, walk in, find out how deep it is, let it take over you. We would never know these things if we do not try.

I promise you, no matter how much you think this half love is enough right now, there's more out there.

Sometimes people cannot love you in the way that you want them to, no matter how hard they try. And maybe they tried, they gave it their all, but it just didn't work out. Sometimes it just isn't the right time for love, if it refuses to stay, don't force it, let it go.

Take care of yourself too, look out for yourself. Pick up your broken pieces, you might bleed on them now, but one day it won't hurt as much anymore. You deserve love, the wholesome kind. The one that makes a bad day instantly better, that allows you cry on its shoulder, that bends down to lace your shoes when you're too tired. That kisses your forehead, that calls you names and teases you. The kind who you wouldn't be afraid to reach out for in a crowded place because you do not doubt what you are to them. The one there to pick you up at 2am when you've had too much to drink. The one who you'd be comfortable being vulnerable with. They'd see your scars and all the places that hurt and they won't mind, they'd still slowly help you heal.

Love will find you. I promise it will. Because you're enough, no matter how much you think you are not now, you are.

Keep on trying the locks, one day we'd find one that our keys would fit perfectly into.

Just give youself a chance. Don't settle. Especially not for half loves.

Happy February. ❤️

It's been so long, I can barely see, with all these cobwebs on my page.

Oluwatoyin Adisa.