Envy is a bad feeling?

In our society it is quite common to divide people's feelings into bad and good ones. From the number of very little-approved - envy. Let's try to figure out where it comes from, is it so bad, and can we at least benefit from it.

In my opinion, the root of envy is the common human need to compare oneself with others. We are social beings. To meet our needs, we need to constantly interact with each other. "What is he - the Other? What do I look like? How different is it? "- we answer these questions, consciously or unconsciously, every day a lot ... We are measured by forces, skills, knowledge, material possibilities ... When the comparison - according to our sensations - is" in our favor ", or we identify ourselves" at the level "Others - this, as a rule, causes a sense of satisfaction and sometimes joy. When we feel that we are losing something - there can be envy. Like every other human emotion, envy has its own range, a scale of registers. A sad version of envy is when in most cases it induces depreciation of the one or those who cause it.

Well, for example, children in the sandbox. Olechka brought new bright molds. Candle very like molds, and I want to play in them, but to ask Olechka to share or take her to her game is scary. Asking the Other is always a risk. But you can try it once and then it's a way to form an ability to negotiate with the Others. Of course, wound in case of refusal. But then, in another situation, still try. And you can immediately say to yourself: "Olka is a greedy and miserable, she will definitely refuse me." And to take care even to try to establish contact with Olechka. And then again, there are several possibilities: to grieve - to be sad - to go home to grieve, or be satisfied for today with your toys and play with other children, and in the evening, mom should ask for the same form. Or to be angry - and Olke to inform her who she really is ... And to wish her to lose her form ... Having depreciated someone who has an object of your present lust, it is quite possible to calm down for a while ... Even in comparison ... But if the method contact, built on depreciation, will become such ... the usual framework of communication - I think that few people will enjoy the pleasure of communicating with such a person ... Yes, and to love such a hard work ... That's what the "unrecognized genius" is slowly forming. The one who likes to "open his eyes" to all their weaknesses and weaknesses ... This critic is ready to criticize from any position without asking for his "separately taken" opinion. If you ask him if he is jealous, you will receive righteous indignation in return. He - in his ideas - is exclusively working on "the enlightenment of the broad masses of the population." And the reaction of this same population in response to their attempts to "bring them to clean water", he will refer to the fact that "the truth cuts the eyes." And is there a resource variant of envy? In my opinion - certainly.

For example, I compare myself with the Other and feel that he understands me better in some professional issue. And if instead of resentment and his desire at least somehow to hook-devaluate, I have a curiosity: "How does it go so well with him? And what hinders me so? What to learn? What to focus on? ", Then I find myself in the search for my personal resources. And, quite likely, after a while, working, I will learn to solve this issue "at the level."

Here, in my opinion, there is another significant difference between these two options. In the first case, I'm constantly focused on the Other. I'm busy evaluating and discounting it. Well, I immediately "lift it": after all, if I evaluate it, it means, at least, it's equal ... And in the second version, I quickly return to myself to think and try, how to try to get myself a tempting quality or ability ...

And the energy of envy can well turn into a vector of possible development. There is also a third option, which I want to mention. It happens that it is impossible to get what the Other has: by definition ... Well, for example, I sometimes envy young people ... Their elasticity, appearance, lightness, relaxedness ... But in 40 look 20, even with serious surgical interventions, it is unreal. And in this case, both the retrospection of resources of its age, and the care of one's own soul and body can help, so that in 40 it can feel easy and elastic. If you envy clearly for yourself unattainable - it's often such ... it's a good time to look at yourself and ask yourself, for example, a couple of such questions: "What in my reality am I trying so hard to escape looking at the Elbrus and the Andes?" Or "A What can I do, can I, what do I have to calm down? "

And one more important observation for me: forbidden, blocked or ignored feelings require, as a rule, a lot of control. And the control of emotions is quite an energy-intensive business ... We often have to restrain ourselves in the company of Others and control them. But one thing is short-term, according to the current situation or its actual need, and quite another matter - in the categories "always" or "never". "Always be kind and sensitive" "Never envy anyone". The displaced energy of sensation requires even more control energy. This unambiguously raises the level of the basic alarm. And in the internal energy field there are fantasies about the catastrophicity of a possible splash of the retained emotion or feeling. But you can somehow simpler, eh? For example, at least letting go of your imagination and "letting yourself live the same envy of your own" to the maximum. Become - for a while - very, very envious ... You will be surprised at how short this time will be, and just how easy it will be for you to accept this part ... Checked by personal experience.

Author - Irina Lopatuhina

Psychologist, Gestalt therapist

Website: lopatuhina.ru