As I flip through the pages of my old journal looking for the part where my phoenix ascends to the heavens, I'm surprised to see myself, day after day after day, still lolling around in the ashes.
(This is part of an amazing ongoing series, to get caught up, you can read my past posts:)
https://steemit.com/truth/@heretolisten/driven-by-demons
https://steemit.com/psychology/@heretolisten/i-m-not-who-i-think-i-am
https://steemit.com/psychology/@heretolisten/on-the-edge-of-consciousness
https://steemit.com/psychology/@heretolisten/beyond-the-place-of-reason
Without any context what I'm about to share is bound to sound pretty bizarre. TBH it probably sounds pretty bizarre in any case, but I'll do my best, to sum up in few words what has happened so far:
I was being plagued by a relentless obsession. Although it was personified in the form of a neighbor up the road, I recognized that there was something going on beyond physical attraction to the point of distraction.
The real drama was internal not external. Being cognizant of that fact allowed me to detach from the thoughts and impulses that were clearly not my own, and assign the blame to the autonomous part of my psyche that was trying to start trouble, known as the Animus, http://carl-jung.net/animus.html who I called Banannaman. (I strongly suggest you at least read the last one!)
It was clear that I couldn't exercise control over him, so in defense I empowered his feminine counter part, called Claire. She clearly played the role of the Anima, http://innerexplorations.com/psytext/anima.htm (although, at the time, I didn't really think I really had one.)
Since then, the tide gradually turned. Somewhere around the beginning of February I felt as though I found a place of calm a midst the storm. It was as though the relentless hemorrhaging of energy--that had gone on for so damn long--had switched itself around and been turned against Banannaman. I was finally on the winning side of the power struggle.
In Jung's 14th volume, Mysterium Coniunctionis, He states, "The anima in her negative aspect--that is when she remains unconscious and hidden--exerts a possessive influence on the subject. The chief symptoms of this possession are blind moods and compulsive entanglements." (Mysterium Coniunctionis, second edition Collected Works 14, par. 539)
"But a conscious attitude that renounces its ego-bound intentions--not in imagination only but in truth--and submits to the suprapersonal decrees of fate, can claim to be serving a king. This more exalted attitude raises the status of the anima from that of a temptress to a psychopomp.
The transformation of the kingly substance from a lion into a king has its counterpart in the transformation of the feminine element from a serpent into a queen."
"The coronation, apotheosis, and marriage signalize the equal status of conscious and unconscious that becomes possible at the highest level--a coincidetia oppositorum with redeeming effects." (Mysterium Coniunctionis, second edition, Collected Works 14, par. 540)
Today, close to a decade later, I started reading through my old journal for the first time since I wrote my thoughts down almost 10 years ago. Although the passages I quote below must have seemed remarkable back then, now the significance of the next two entries, totally blows my mind.
February 8, 2008
"Saw a shooting star tonight but basically just kept looking back at the spot like I'm hoping for the chance to get a better look.
So I understand why pathological narcissists can exert such a strong influence, but what's my deal? What is my dysfunction? I like to think that I'm going through individuation. That all this could be the path of transformation in which consciousness is, in fact, submerged in the collective unconscious where it is transformed--distilled--suffers, dies and is buried--to rise again a new being.
But I can't say I have much evidence to support such tectonic change being accomplished in me.
Furthermore, even when I was feeling convinced that's what's been happening, it was hard to believe and impossible to understand, why me? This doesn't happen to all that many people. There is no way it would, logically, happen to me.
Just had a weird flight of fantasy. I was convinced of Claire's existence and called out for help, but found her looking thin and unwell. She was being held captive.
I rescued her, pulling her up onto my horse and riding away to a safe fortress.
But I'm not the one with the power! I was begging to be rescued. And wouldn't that make me the guy--if I did rescue her like that?
Don't over think it."
February 9, 2008
"I'm reading Mysterium, page 528-831 and WOW! Describes what's going on, answering the question I was asking last night "What's my deal...?" Get this!
..."The modern man begins with an unseemly prima material which presents itself in an unexpected form--a contemptible fantasy, which like the stone that the builders rejected, is 'flung into the street" and is so "cheap" that people do not even look at it. He will observe it from day to day and note its alterations."
Which is exactly what this thing with Brian is and what I am doing with this notebook!
"The light that gradually dawns on him consist in his understanding that his fantasy is a real psychic process which is happening to him personally. Although to a certain extent he looks on from outside, impartially, he is also an acting and suffering figure in the drama of the psyche."
"This recognition is absolutely necessary and marks an important advance. So long as he simply looks at the pictures...if the flow of images ceases, next to nothing has happened even though the process is repeated a thousand times. But if you recognize your own involvement, you yourself must enter into the process with your personal reactions, just as if you were one of the fantasy figures, or rather, as if the drama being enacted before your eyes were real. It is a psychic fact that this fantasy is happening, and it is as real as you--a psychic entity--are real."
Although I am sure I see myself as a participant, this next statement makes me wonder at my efforts to adopt a passive observer role (which it's not like I'm all that successful at).
Jung goes on;
"if this crucial operation is not carried out, all changes are left to the flow of the images and you yourself remain unchanged"...."But if you place yourself in the drama, as you really are, not only does it gain in actuality, but you also create by your criticism of the fantasy, an effective counter balance to its tendency to get out of hand."
Whenever it came down to ->could I really stop in to have sex with him? I was like, NO WAY. That's just not me. (criticism) So I did do what he's saying so far.
"For what is now happening is the decisive rapprochement with the unconscious. This is where the insight, the unio mentalis begins to become real. What you are now creating is the beginning of individuation, whose immediate goal is the experience and production of the symbol of totality."
In other words once conscious and unconscious are connected they want to express the connection, their united condition.
Damn, I'm having the worst time dealing with the sexual energy here, My body's going nuts. I think my unconscious is trying to make me back down on my criticism of the fantasy!
But back to Mysterium:
"It not infrequently happens that the patient simply continues to observe his images without considering what they mean to him. He can and he should understand their meaning, but this is of practical value only so long as he is not sufficiently convinced that the unconscious can give him valuable insights"
I would say clearly I'm sufficiently convinced, but I don't follow why I no longer benefit by understanding their meaning????
Jung continues on to describe a situation specifically for the patient in analysis. He claims for progress to continue, the patient must be compelled by "only a command of fate."
In my humble opinion, only such a command of fate could have got me this far.
He then describes the next step as "the transition from a merely perceptive aesthetic attitude to one of judgement." and says that this step requires the integration of unconscious content that is in direct compensation of conscious attitude. A step similar to psychosis in the sense that they both are dealing with the same influx of unconscious content that overwhelms the psyche in psychosis. Only instead of being overwhelmed:
"The judging attitude implies a voluntary involvement in those fantasy processes which compensate the individual and--in particular--the collective conscious situation."
So the compensatory attitude which is balanced by rational judgement, is, in fact, an expression of the whole personality.
The question is: Am I there?"
Looking back at where I was at, to say I was 'there' might be jumping the gun, but the answer to that question is; I wasn't there yet, but that was where I was going.
Here's the amazing thing, I wrote my post https://steemit.com/life/@heretolisten/falling-in-love-debunked a couple months ago. I said that, when we go through the experience of falling in love, "It's an opportunity to partake of something beyond the normal sphere of human existence. The trick is to shift the target, and use it as a portal to a higher level of consciousness."
Only I really didn't know the mechanism behind the process. Until rereading what I had written, I completely forgot about the information contained in these entries. For years I've wondered why I see things the way I do, and I finally got my answer!
How much of what goes on in our heads do we dismiss as nonsense? Truth is that ego's myopic vision of existence is the real nonsense. We are capable of expanding our limited view of reality, but we have to give up our illusion of internal singularity.
Recognizing that the obsession was a meaningful expression from a part of my being that is far more powerful than me, the ego, created a new connection with the unconscious that put me on a path with many more strange twists and turns than I could possible imagine.
That's where I'll be going in future posts. I hope you'll continue the journey with me.
If Steemit's really all about original content, that much I can guarantee.
I hope you enjoyed this post:)
As always,
Harmony
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