Midlife Reality, Struggles and What I have Learned

Whenever you hear the term "midlife crisis" you probably think of middle age men purchasing expensive cars or having affairs with younger women. You may also think of middle aged women taking off and leaving their husbands and kids to party it out.

Those are just some common stereotypes. Perhaps in some cases those scenarios really do happen. However this is a pivotal time in someone's life when they approach middle age. It is a time when people review their lives, then emotions start getting out of control for a variety of reasons, and are pushed to make some kind of change.

I am not sure if those who are truly satisfied with how their lives turned out are affected as much. However those who are affected are at a point where they looked back in their lives are not happy with how it turned out.

To be honest it hit me hard when I turned 39. I looked back on my life then. I never left my hometown and thought "oh I'm such a loser". I wrote some books that I no longer advertise and did not sell many of them. I thought "oh I'm such a failure". Add to that, I am and was never cut out to raise a child with special needs and thought "I'm trapped while everyone else is just cruising along with their easy kids". I am sure I have given you the idea that when I hit my midlife point, I really hated how my life turned out. I even remember saying at the time that if I looked into a crystal ball at age 16, I probably would never want to get out of bed again.

This extreme dissatisfaction worsened my depression which I am sure I ended up with a diagnosis of severe clinical depression. I looked back at my marriage and resentments that I had buried towards my husband for many reasons started emerging. Yes I was constantly thinking of divorcing him and I actually hated him for about 2 years. I thought that life would be better with someone else.

This dissatisfaction spilled over into all areas of my life and even my freelance business was taking a turn for the worse. I constantly fantasized about leaving my husband and daily responsibilities, and moving out west to start over. Every time he spoke to me I sneared at him. I will just say that I was completely miserable for several years and believed that the grass was always greener on the other side.

Even though I am still for the most part disheartened about how my life turned out, I am starting to wake up and see that I needed to learn some hard lessons.

I think what jolted me back into reality was watching a divorced friend of mine struggle with loneliness, hating the fact she was back into the dating life and struggling financially. Yes, there are things that my husband did that I can't really look past but I know I am not perfect either. Living with a spouse who is suffering from depression I am sure is not easy on anyone and he has put up with a lot.

I also know that the reality is, being alone may make me feel more free initially but the feeling won't last. My divorced friend is miserable and I am sure I would be too at some point. Financially we are comfortable but I wouldn't be if I lived alone. Therefore, I am trying to appreciate my husband more even if he drives me nuts and did things in the past that I am struggling to forgive.

Yes, raising a child with special needs is extremely challenging and I truly am not cut out for the job. I did my best with what I could work with at the time. My desperate feelings is what made me brave enough to reach out for help. Because of that soon my son will be placed in an environment that will be perfect for him. I have spoken about this before and I have been judged. Guess what, I don't care. I take what anyone says with a grain of salt who could not last 2 hours in my shoes. This experience made me more assertive so I can get what I need. I also don't care what clueless people have to say either. At one point everyone's opinion mattered to me.

I also was busy comparing myself to my peers from back in high school who appeared to do better than I have. Plenty of them left the city to create lives of their own and I was stewing in regret. However, even though I am angry with my parents for many reasons, I see they are getting older, more humble and I would be guilt ridden for life if I wasn't there for them if something happened. One sure way to create misery is comparing yourself to anyone else.

To sum up, yes, I failed in many areas in life. I came across struggles that I wish I hadn't. I know I have missed out on many things in life such as leaving my home town and creating a life of my own. However, I am working on appreciating the good in my life. I am taking charge of things that I need to be done instead of running off somewhere because I hated how my life turned out. I also know depression can be a terrible liar and cause you to feel more inferior. That's what was going on too.

I can still be married to the man who really is a good person with faults like anyone else has who I married 18 years ago.

I can celebrate my daughter's milestones and find a way to appreciate my son's strengths instead of comparing him to other typical boys his age. I can still create a new life for myself simply by accepting my limitations but striving to be better. Add that to appreciating the good I have in my life. It's been a rough ride but my life really isn't so bad.

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