Anyone that knows me in person or speaks to me regularly would feel their brain lapse a little when I say that

"I'm socially awkward."

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If you're scratching your head right now at the sheer impossibility of that statement, I must be doing something right c;

Made a Note to Visit a Special Panel

Hawaii's anime convention Kawaii-Kon went down last month, and many of the events involve open discussions and education on an array of interesting topics ran by panel hosts. I bumped into one of my longtime friends on opening day—a funny man named Remy Zane; known for his radio personality and trivia bar nights in many locations across Honolulu. He filled me in that he was hosting a panel later that day on learning about and overcoming being awkward in social settings.

I got there a few minutes before it started, and plopped myself in the closest seat to him. Now why would someone who's "incredibly shy" around people and public situations want to position themselves in the room where all eyes can see them? My goal was to unironically be extra awkward.

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The Term Revisited

When you think of a person that is socially awkward; we mentally paint an image of a person who constantly fumbles their words, and makes a conversation—others feel uncomfortable. Quite the contrary! Being "socially awkward" is actually the opposite of this preconceived notion.

The person feeling "awkward" is actually the only one that feels uncomfortable! It's this initial mental state that causes unnatural motions from the experiencer first, and the self-reflection of the actions perpetrates further anxiety. The more fear that builds up, the more jittery the motions and speech become. After enough cycles, only then another person notices. If they notice at all. How would I know about something like this in detail? Why am I oh so certain of this?
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I wasn't going to this panel just to support my friend.

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The Inverted Butterfly

I'm the kind of person that freaks when my phone rings, but can write texts with immense style. I don't like being caught off-guard, or feeling defenseless—No masochist here. I appreciate the time I get to spend alone, in my own solitude.

If you asked one of my friends however, they would laugh hard—to many of them I'm a social butterfly, who magically always knows what to say. Don't let the speech or mannerisms fool you though, I'm terrified if I actually have to open my mouth. You can look brave, but be scared inside.

"Courageous enough to look spontaneous."

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When You Know You're Strange

Now that the backstory's out of the way, I'm sitting in the first row at this panel for the relationally inept. My sole goal is is not to run from how I think about myself, but to embrace it. Cliche as it sounds to confront your fears, if you suffer from social anxiety—this is one of the absolute funnest ways to go about it! How am I going to be afraid of coming off strange to others if I'm intentionally doing it? There's nothing to be scared of if you know what's next.

After about 20 minutes of learning basic health information, and ways to help this condition—open discussion begins. This panel's theme was to share our experiences and methods that we've found to improve socially.

Truth be told, I attend many of the panels during this show every year and I've noticed something intriguing. When it comes time for others to take the stage, the audience is almost always hesitant. In a room filled with incredibly shy people, it will be even harder to get a first volunteer if any. When Remy asked for a volunteer to approach the mic stand conveniently placed front and center of everyone, the crowd fell eerily silent.

The thing I noticed is that panels are in one-hour blocks and the only goal is to have the show run until the time ends. 40 minutes is left on the clock, and everyone is afraid—I'm afraid.

My time has come. The reason why I "strategically" placed myself here.

As the mood begins to shift and everyone's eyes begin scanning the room, I'm looking Remy straight in the eye with an ear to ear grin.

"Thank you Sheryl for being our first lovely volunteer to the stage!" My little plan worked, and I got up and B-lined it to the mic. It's nice to have a willing victim familiar face that will play the game!

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Walked up there, bunny cape and all.

How I Handle My Awkwardness

In a clear and almost prepared sounding voice, I start on what I do to be a functioning member of society. I still feel awkward no matter what, so I realized why not enjoy and have fun with it? My first point was to speak with purpose. "If I sound like I know what to say, whatever comes out will be okay. We all say weird or inappropriate things at times. Even if you aren't sure, if you hear that your voice is sure, it will calm you down—easing the anxiety you feel".

I followed this up to reassure the audience that although many people think that I am not awkward, anyone can be socially awkward. Doesn't matter who you are.

"I still don't look people in the eyes when I talk to them." I laughed at the counter-intuitive statement. "A lot of people think that no eye contact makes a person look strange, but the way I see it is if I'm not worried about looking AND speaking, while trying to find the right thing to say, I can focus on my words to get my message across." I paused and smiled at everyone.

"You gotta really fake it til you make it. If I think I might be perceived as weird, then I'm going to say outlandish things first! It makes me look confident. What I learned is that if you say things with conviction in your voice, you get to say some really weird shit and it looks normal or funny." I was excused back to my seat after a while.

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The volunteers slowly started, and in between each speaker—before any real silence could take hold, Remy would make callback jokes to me to keep the energy up. He even used me as a confirmation to how ridiculous he can get in over-speaking since we've known each other for over 15 years. Remy is awkward too, and I wanted him to have ammo to last the round.

No one could be weirder than the person who does it intentionally. Being a comic relief gives off a peculiar charismatic vibe, that shows others that it's okay.

We're all socially awkward.

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