Hitting children is an unacceptable and disgusting practice, even if it is justified as "spanking." Besides the fact that spanking is a morally questionable issue, the psychological evidence that hitting children causes lasting harm is legion.
When children grow up in a hostile environment where their parents "spank" them for whatever reason, the child learns that they cannot establish their parents as secure bases for exploration. Their sense of attachment deteriorates. Their fight or flight response is damaged, and then it malfunctions throughout life. This malfunction is what leads that child to likely suffer from substance abuse issues, enter into violent relationships, commit self-injurious behavior, become plagued by depression, and finally victimize their own children in a desperate act of unconscious vengeance.
Tragically, the only way to help children heal a lot of these wounds is if that child seeks counseling services or manages to find a nonviolent relationship as an adult where proper healing can take place. If not, the individual is likely to suffer the slings and arrows of that abuse for years to come.
If you were hit as a child, you have to realize that what was done to you did not make you a better person. You did not turn out okay. That is a social myth. It is only used to justify future attacks on children. Take this into consideration and stop hitting. Stop perpetuating the vicious cycle. The ignorance and violence has to end. You don't want blood on your hands---do you?
My name is Sterlin. I am the Psychologic Anarchist. Find me over at www.psychologic-anarchist.com, on Facebook, or YouTube, where we are trying to build more compassionate and loving anarchist communities. We also discuss psychology, therapy, communication, and the many faces of love.
I sometimes think these people who write this stuff are either not parents or happen to have very calm children. My wife would of made these same comments if we only had my first daughter to use as a basis of comparison. She was the best mother in the world she thought, look at how good our little girl is, THEN my son was born.
My son had an extremely hard time understanding and communicating until he was almost four years old. He doesn't have any mental disorders or anything, he was just a little behind and very stubborn. No amount of verbal communication would EVER change his behavior for a few years. He would attack the animals in the house like it was a game, putting them at risk and no amount of non physical discipline would ever change that behavior. He just didn't have the mental maturity to understand the discipline. To him animals were toys that could be played with in any way he deemed entertaining, including throwing them down the stairs if we didn't stop him.
My wife was in tears day after day, chasing him down, watching his every move as our mischievous little man did one bad thing after another, seemingly immune to discipline of all kinds. Stern talk, time outs, behavioral tricks and all kinds of techniques were tried and tested with absolutely no change in behavior. The only thing that he responded to in the end, was physical stimuli, since it was the only thing he understood right away and worked.
Our little man is just about to enter kindergarten and now that he can fluently communicate with us, there's no longer any need for it. His bad behavior has pretty well all stopped and he's the most loving little guy in the world now.
It's so easy to be an arm chair critic these days, when you don't have to walk the walk day in and out for years.
Anyone who has had to deal with a similar situation reading this will understand the situation. Some hypothesis sound really good on paper, until you go and apply them. We never had to use physical discipline of any sort with my daughter, and I think that's where some of these articles come from. People who have never actually raised children, or parents who never had to deal with a child that was "difficult".
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It's not exactly armchair given the growing body of research out there on this issue. My son is also challenging (I have two as well daughters). Children don't have the capacity for empathy or the mirror neurons that adults do. It's a huge challenge dealing with this reality, especially when it seems like no other option works. I think there are things that work, but unfortunately most parents (my self included) are not equipped with the tools or training needed to not resort to inflicting physical pain ("stimuli" sure sounds nicer though). It's also a very difficult topic to discuss because we are so deeply invested in our children. Our love and fear roll together to make it hard to think in terms of data and rationality. Here's hoping we can all grow towards a more peaceful future by raising children who don't respond to coercive authority, but to love and reason.
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I'd be a little menace if not for being disciplined by my parents. The key is talking first and making sure a child knows why they're being spanked. There's also a very fine line between punishment and abuse. Children know that line and if you cross it there's no coming back. It's solely up to a parent to decide how and when they should punish their children. Not being able to spank your kids has created a generation of entitlement. The things you see kids doing these days is just outright disgusting. When I see that kind of behavior I always think to myself, "if I was doing that shit I would've gotten a backhand, damn." It's very hard to teach a child respect if they think you're weak.
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In the video the lecturer is talking about allowing the children to express their feelings. Don't tell them not to cry. Let them talk with you.
The article seems to say we should never physically punish for any reason whatsoever.
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Hey Leprechaun. Nice to meet you. That is me in the video (also the author of this article). You are correct. Children should be allowed to express their emotions, as well as explore their emotional lives without being ridiculed. And although it was not my main point of this video, I also strongly urge against hitting children, because this also causes long term damage.
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This is a very emotional topic for many people. We have default programming from our childhood, and can't stray from it unless it creates obvious pain. My wife and I were spanked. Our entire community at the time of our first child encouraged spanking. We started out with spanking, and it was tearing me apart. After watching the bomb in the brain series and listening to 70+ podcasts on philosophical parenting, we had to make a change. Preparing children for the future via coercive force just ensures the world remains violent. There are other tools available such as non-violent communication, and it's our job as parents to learn them. We have to break the cycle of violence.
Thanks for spreading the good word, @sterlinluxan.
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Super well said, Luke. I appreciate your input and thoughts. You add a lot of value to the compassionate community and here on Steemit. Glad to have you.
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Thanks Sterlin. I'm glad to have you here because I've been missing all your great Psychological Anarchist content the last few weeks I've been ignoring Facebook. :)
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I don't blame you for ignoring Facebook. This is an addictive and important platform.
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I was spanked as a child and I do not spank my own child. I can look back on my childhood and remember being spanked, but can't tell you one single thing I was spanked FOR. Like the deed that was punished has gone out of my mind entirely. I just remember being terrified and in pain. And I remember hating my father. And I remember being afraid of him...AND I STILL AM. To me, that's not healthy. My daughter is now ten and we did not employ spanking as one of our disciplinary measures. She is a straight A kid, very kind, very ambitious, and we are close. We still have our teen years to weather, but so far I don't think spanking would have added anything good to our relationship.
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Well said. I am especially glad you shared your own parenting style, and decided not to spank your child. That means a lot. I am also sorry you had to deal with what happened to you. That is awful, but I am glad you realized that it was not healthy, and now you are not repeating the vicious cycle on your own child.
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That's the difference I was talking about your father was assaulting a child not lightly spanking you because you had done something wrong. Pain shouldn't be the objective reinforcing rules is
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Still blows my mind when I see people advocating the assault of others - especially helpless little people that have no escape or alternatives. :(
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People need to get in the gym, get out in nature, get some stress balls or do something to get that pent-up aggression out in a healthy manner. If you are that angry AT ANY POINT AT A CHILD, especially YOUR CHILD, you should probably reassess the other areas of your life because something is lacking somewhere to be that angry at a defenseless (and sometime senseless) little kid. They have every right to resent someone who inflicts physical pain to their bodies.
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Number one rule of discipline don't do it in the Heat of the Moment when your upset, always go cool off rationally think about whether or not you actually want to spank them or discipline them in a certain Manner and then execute based on that.
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I was hit as a child from time to time . My parents weren't abusive or anything per say and it was all handed out as punishments on the basis of making me a better person . I think honestly it just teaches children that violence and abuse is acceptable under certain circumstances when in fact the lesson that should be taught is that its never acceptable. I don't think getting hit ever changed my behavior , it just made me resent my parents.
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Hey Willbe, you are exactly correct. When children are hit they internalize the idea that violence is an acceptable way to handle problems. And that is one of the reasons why violence has become an outlet for so many people. Thanks for posting here and following my material.
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How all of us were spanked as children but guess what you didn't see all these lunatics back then shoot up movie theaters know that kind of stuff so I told you the way of doing it nowadays which is not spanking your children is leading to more violence and confusion in children than it ever was in the past. So your opinion wrong
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Would you be more inclined to do the right thing as a child but the fear of being spanked? Or the fear of having your Xbox taken away for a day or standing in the corner?
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Thank you for bringing light to this tuff topic Sterlin. Yes the karmic cycle of child abuse is rooted in suffering. Not spanking is very possible and doesn't necessarily mean unruly kids. My daughter isn't spanked or punished and there are very interesting side effects to this. She is very self reliant and can think for herself. These aspects are sometimes not to our benefit as parents. Even though she sees things differently than I do it makes me extremely proud that she is not groomed to comply or obey. She doesn't often abuse her own power or take advantage of this freedom. She functions at a fairly high level of cooperation of her own volition for her age. If she does something of moral significants we have a long discussion about it. Sometimes she brings attention to areas where I can use some improvement as a parent. And I listen and learn from her as well. We aren't perfect parents at all! It's a learning process and there is much room for improvement for those of us conditioned to take control. It takes much effort to change the mental programming but it's worth it! If a parent has spanked their kids for many years and is ready to stop then they could have a talk with their kids and undo some of the damage. If anything it would at least stop additional damage from being done. A new relationship can form from the muck of these misunderstandings in how things are supposed to be.
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I was spanked as a child and don't think I turned out horribly. I also would never hit my child though. My wife has taught me better.
But in all serious - we just need to learn how to love more and stop trying to correct everything we disagree with.
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I disagree with you, I am flagging you... just kidding. :)
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Thank you for posting, this was a great read and video. I'm a nanny who practices positive reinforcement and other gentle methods of discipline. It is always great to read posts like this that show how important it is to encourage communication and not take shots at young and impressionable children. I think the best thing you can do is lead by example! Be kind and treat others with respect and when they act out instead of scolding and spanking it is better to explain what they did wrong and why so they can correct it. I know it works because I've tried. Children generally want to please their parents and caregivers.
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Thanks for posting here and agreeing lovenugs. I appreciate that a bunch.
I am glad you also follow the communication model, as well as provide positive reinforcement. I have actually read somewhere that studies have demonstrated that positive reinforcement is more efficacious with children than negative punishers, such as spanking and hitting. But, of course, this makes sense to you and I. I just hope more people can learn and grow from gaining this knowledge.
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Very good article. Children learn from their parents actions and I have two children of my own and never hit them. There are plenty of other ways to create a negative consequence for a child's actions that can be more effective and also teach them better as to why their is a negative consequence.
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Yes, Groovy. Absolutely. Children have a tendency to model the behaviors of their primary caregivers, as well as other close people in their lives. In the psychological literature, this is referred to as "modeling" or "vicarious learning." However a parent chooses to treat their children, their children will absorb those actions and implement them into their own lives.
Thank you for commenting and following my posts.
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Thank you for this post. My boyfriend and me just read it and really enjoyed your way of presenting the connection of the parential behaviour with the childs psychology. We are both convinced anarchists and with you all the best with all your projects. <3 Lots of Light and Love <3
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Aw, that is awesome. Thank you so much for being peaceful and loving anarchists. It makes me extremely happy that you guys are on board with these ideas. Please follow me for more content on my Facebook page link above. I will check out your material as well. Cheers!
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Great post. One could say this is a very controversial subject.
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That it is, friend.
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The best way to make children good - it make them happy !!
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That's right. And taking aggression out on them certainly won't do that!
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Ill be completely honest here, some of you think I might be an animal but im definitely going to spank my future kids if they misbehave (im not talking about a beating but a firm spank or 2). I know everything in psychology is against it. Its probably because its how I was raised, but if I take away everything from them and discipline them and they still misbehave it will be like the last straw action.
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Isn't that kind of like saying, "I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I'm going to do it anyway."? Or do you question the validity of the research?
I think we all just need better, non-violent communication tools. There are always more options, even when we feel it's the last straw.
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yes thats exacty what it is :/ . I have to rethink things. This is why im terrified and I don't even know if I want kids. You do one wrong thing and your kid is a serial killer and your that parent on the news saying "he was always such a good kid"
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Heh. Yeah, it's certainly a scary thing. There are times I look at my son and think, "Really? It's going to be like this?" It's frightening. That said, it's also amazing. It's possible not everyone should be parents. At the same time, I'm hopeful for neural plasticity. I do think we can change. I do think our children can change. As the song goes, "Love is all you need."
Stay encouraged. If you're ever put in that situation, hopefully, like anything else, you'll skill up as needed to make it work.
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Using a belt on a child is not spanking. It's beating a child with a torture implement.
Discipline is important, use the open hand, whatever. Just if you can avoid torture with implements then maybe your kids will grow up a little less fucked up than the rest of us.
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The research even suggests that using an open hand and swatting can be harmful to children. Check the link I left regarding the evidence.
Thanks for the comment.
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Common sense wisdom also suggests "spare the rod, spoil the child". The research has no way of taking this type of long term effect into account, so they always "discover" whatever they wanted to discover.
For example, water can be harmful to children. But they need it to survive just like everyone. Same with discipline. They are not untouchable or little angels all of the time. Think about what message you're sending to the kid by not disciplining them early: "do whatever you want, the world will never lay a finger on you"? Why would you lie to your kid like that, give them totally false expectations?
So I think it's not such a black and white thing as a lot of these studies are trying to paint it to be.
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It is black and white. Hitting someone without their consent is a violation of the nonaggression axiom. It violates the most fundamental right of self-ownership. They're sentient individuals, not their parents' property.
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@cogliostro I'm not talking about "one right way to raise a child," I'm talking about striking others without their consent. Yes, it is wrong for everyone. If someone "cannot be reached or taught" then just accept that peacefully. Your lessons can't possibly be so wonderful that beating them into people can be justified.
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Whose nonaggression axiom? Let's not be so foolish and arrogant as to presume that there is only ONE CORRECT way to raise a child, or that the same approach is even going to work on every single person.
Just as there are some adults in the world who understand only the language of violence, so too there are children who cannot be reached and taught to behave without a controlled dose of violence.
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Spare the rod is more accurately translated to "shepherd's hook" meaning an unguided, not beaten, sheep will stray from the flock.
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Being well aware by observation of this family violence, I can say the mother of a 22 year old is now is so proud her son can visit a shopping mall without suffering a panic attack.
All this after years of violence, his sister has been able to hold down a part time job for a few years now; I cannot speak of the other children but there lives have been slightly more successful forging an adult lifestyle in the modern world...
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I was spanke. And grew up fine. Theres a line that should not be crossed.
But people like yourself are raising self entitled brats who think the world owes them everything
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I spanked my children. I have since learned and strongly encourage my children not to spank there children.
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Hello, I appreciate your perspective, but I highly disagree.
I want to encourage you to look at some of the facts about spanking to help augment your position. You made the claim that kids nowadays don't have respect or work ethic. By this, I assume you mean that a lot of children aren't spanked and so they run around wild and crazy and become losers? If that is the case, I have bad news for you. The current statistics on spanking suggest that most parents still spank. Roughly 60% to 90% of parents spank their children. Therefore, what does that say about the kids who "don't mind" and run around causing problems? It probably means their parents hit them...and hit them often.
Here is a link to an older article I wrote with the spanking facts; I hope it helps:
https://psychologic-anarchist.com/2016/05/16/i-was-spanked-and-i-turned-out-ok-or-did-i/
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Well i woukd argue 80-90% of parents my wife and i are friends wirh dont and their kids are well on their way to becoming losers. However looking back to the zo called "good old days" wouldnt you say nearly everyone got spanked this previousprevious generation and seem, to me anyways, much more productive, disciplined, respectful? I dont think their is a wrong way, just a different way, dont you agree? Im not saying beat yiur child or leave bruises, but spanking isnt a horrible way to go about raising a child. There are scenarios where either words just dont cut it, or arent enough. Kids are well aware of the midern day way of doing things and use that to their advantages a lot of the time i have come to figure from observation
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Is it a result of not spanking or lack of guidance/neglect?
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Spanking is guidance like rape is lovemaking
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Spanking is guidance
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