The Deep Down Fear That I Fear

There is a fear inside me that I cannot explain.

Where did the fear come from? When did it start? Why is it even there? I ask myself this over and over and over, but never receive an answer. The truth is, I don't really know. I was a child before this fear appeared. And children don't often think about these things. They only fear shadows on their wall, losing their parents in a crowd, and maybe their first day of school.

When it appears, I become angry. Angry at myself.

I become angry that I can't do what I want to do. If I want to do it, I should be able to overcome the fear, right..? So what exactly is this fear that I'm feeling? It's a mixture of fear and anxiety.

I sit down at my computer and turn my webcam on. I have all these great ideas of things I want to talk about. Things that I want to tell everyone. I'm going to make a video for everyone to see. And then it hits me... like a wall. All my thoughts are gone. what was I going to say? Was I really going to say all that to everyone on the internet? What will they think? What if the video isn't good enough? What if it's weird? What if people hate me? A million thoughts run through my mind, and they aren't the thoughts that I want there. I didn't ask for them, but they flooded in anyways. I still want to make the video, but I feel like I'm climbing up a steep dark hill, stumbling over my own feet. I turn my webcam off and decide to come back to it later.

There is no later, there is only now.

I know this is the way to think. I try not to be someone who cares about what other people think about me, but sometimes it slips. I was always a bit of a loner, and I was never very social. I've never been able to sit down and record a video that I knew everyone was going to see. Not once in my life. I live-stream, but even then, I keep things simple. I only talk about sensitive subjects when someone asks about it.

I've always wanted to become a singer, but I'm afraid. Afraid to show the world my voice. Afraid of the feedback. I don't want to be afraid. It's just there. The deep down fear that I fear.

I'll try to overcome it, but I need to know the source.

Where is all this fear and anxiety coming from? I think I know the answer. It comes from society, from the ideologies, and all of this runs strong on the internet. People aren't scared to say what they think on the internet. So why am I?

I'm slowly climbing the wall, and I can see the glow of the grass on the other side. This fear has been with me so long, it seems like it's the only way I know, but I keep climbing anyways, because my heart desires what's on the other side. It really is taking time, and inspiration, to shed the dark layers of clothes that are slowing me down. To walk, unvarnished, on the other side of the wall. The clothes were darkened with labels, ideals, principles, and my own anxieties. I've carried them as a disguise, to blend in, to sit in the shadows. There are so many others wearing the same thing. I can't even tell them apart. I can't just be one of the mannequins in the store front. Like their faces, I feel like I'm slowly losing my emotions. I refuse to stay on the shadowed side of the wall. It's time for me to walk in the grass.

I'm going to open up on here a lot more. The users of Steemit are the ones who have helped me garner the courage that I need, and have inspired me. I've been scared to just post everything I feel, but fear is a survival mechanism, and I'm not dying.

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