ALCHEMY'S FUNDAMENTAL ERROR

Through the centuries, alchemists have searched in vain for a way to turn base metals into gold. They should have used plastic.

A WAY TO IMPROVE WAR

I always thought it would be a better idea if we sent old men to fight our wars instead of young men. There are several advantages to this:

1. Old men who are killed in battle don’t leave bereft children and wives behind.
2. People aren’t as sad when old men die as when young ones do.
3. It would save the government lots of money on Social Security and Medicare.
4. Old men can’t see so well, so they’re more likely to miss their targets. which would save lives.
5. If you’re hard-of-hearing, bombs bursting in air won’t be as terrifying.
6. It would give old men something to live for, or at least make dying worthwhile.

CO-ORDINATING KNOWLEDGE WITH ACTION

Nine times out of ten, when we co-ordinate what we know with what we should be doing, something gets done. The rest of the time, it doesn’t get done, for unknown reasons.

CRIMINAL PLATITUDE

Crime does not pay—it pays off.

EUGENIC EUGENE

Here's a few genetic facts about Eugenic Eugene:

Eugenic Eugene's genes haven't hurt him none.
Eugenic Eugene's genes are the genes for me.

EXISTENTIAL DILEMMA

I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing here, but I’d better get out of here quick before I find myself.

GLIMMER OF HOPE? NOPE.

I saw a glimmer of hope for the world, and I lost a few pounds of despair, but then I was fed a ton of bad news, the pounds piled back on, and now I’m more cynical than ever.

HOW I JUDGE OTHERS

If I was as bad as you say I am, I would be you, but if I were you, you would be a much better person.

IDIOMS SUCK

I hate idioms—they’re so idiotic!

IF MONEY IS SPEECH, THEN...

Now that the Supreme Court has ruled that money is speech, you are going to have to put your money where your mouth is.

INSOMNIAC AMNESIA

Sometimes when your brain is telling you you’re going insane, you can just sleep it off.
Once you’ve slept it off, you can sleep it back on again, then it will be time to wake up and you’ll forget everything…
…everything you’ve ever dreamed of.

IT'S ALL JUST TALK

There’s nothing that you would want to talk about with me, or that I would want to talk about with you, that we would want to talk about, if you know what I’m talking about…

LIFE SAVINGS

You saved my life--now I can spend the rest of it.

LOST IN THOUGHT

The reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

MIND OVER MATTER

It has been traditionally assumed that it was “mind over matter” but now it seems that “matter” seems to be winning over “mind” (which really doesn’t matter much to me because I don’t mind).

NEVER SAY THINGS LIKE THIS

To avoid arguments, don't say things like "Unlike you, he seems very intelligent and charming." or "With all due respect, sir, you are the epicenter of ignorance."

NEW HEALTH WARNINGS

Coke will give you a stroke. Pepsi causes epilepsy. Steer clear of root beer. Mountain Dew will do you in.

ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER

Life can make you happy.
Then life can make you sad.
You can feel like you’re in Heaven.
Or life can become a living Hell.
Life can be full of love.
Or it can be empty with loneliness.
You know…if it isn’t one thing, it’s the other!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

This is to announce that the public will no longer be served.

REASONABLE GREED

Open-minded people are so greedy--they're never satisfied with only one point-of-view.

RENT A CONGRESSMAN

I was thinking of starting a business where you could rent a Senator or Representative, since most of them have already been bought.

SHAKESPEARE QUIZ

To be or not to be, that is the question.

A. To be.
B. Not to be.
C. Either A or B.

SILLY ARGUMENT ETIQUETTE

I'm not one to prolong a silly argument, but I am perfectly willing to take up the issue at a later date.

‘RIGHT THINKING

If thinking you're right about everything made you right about everything, everybody would be right about everything, because anyone who admitted that they are wrong would be wrong, right?

THE COSMIC SCHEME OF THINGS

In the cosmic scheme of things, anything is possible and anything that’s possible has probably already happened, so planning for the future is really just re-living the past.

THE ISLAND OF TRUTH

Imagine yourself on the Island of Truth, surrounded by the Ocean of Ignorance.
Oh, oh, rising sea level...

THEORETICAL ETHICS

The antithesis of Anti-theism is not anti-this or anti-that, nor is it necessarily antithetical to being theoretically ethical.

THE 99 PERCENT AND THE ONE PERCENT

From the point of view of the 99%, the 1% have way too much money. From the point-of-view of the 1%, way too much is not enough.

THE PRICE OF WORLD DOMINATION

World for sale!! (asking price: your soul). Depreciation allowance available for tax purposes.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

I think, therefore I am, and I do, therefore I’ve been there, done that.
I think, therefore I am, I do, therefore I’m done for.

THOUGHTLESS PEOPLE WHO THINK

In a scientific poll that was never conducted, it was found that 18 percent of people who think are thoughtless people.

UNDERSTANDING GOOD AND EVIL

Why do they hate us? They hate us because we’re good and they’re evil…they are jealous of our goodness…they wish they could be good like us, but they can’t, because they’re evil, and that’s why we have to kill them.

UNDERSTANDING POLITICS

Politicians have a special talent for seeing how absurdities relate to each other in the most improbable and illogical ways.

WHAT HAPPENED

Superman always fought for truth, justice, and the American way. Then he died.

WHAT NORWEGIAN SALMON DO FOR A LIVING

"Fjord every mountain, climb every stream."

WHAT TO EXPECT

If you mix good with bad, the best outcome you can expect is not so bad, but not as good as you might expect.

WHY I NEVER TAKE ADVICE FROM ANYONE

If I don’t take your advice, I have only myself to blame if your advice is good. If I do take your advice, and your advice is bad, I’ll have not only myself to blame but you as well.

WHY MY MIND IS FULL OF STRANGE THOUGHTS

Strange thoughts sometimes pop into my head, and since I'm closed-minded, they stay there.

WHY THE GRASS SEEMS TO BE GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

WHY WE'RE SUNK

Planet Earth is like a sinking ship where everyone is arguing whose fault it is that the ship is sinking.

WHY YOU DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO DO

If you know what you want to do and you do what you want to do, you’ll get to do what you want. And who wouldn’t want that?