I have longed for, I yearn for, a peaceful, joyful, pure, SAFE and perfect love.
I yearn for no more weakness and badness in myself, nothing more to conceal from others just to protect my image of myself. I think of it as perfection... and realize that word is not right. It is more like, "good ENOUGH"; nominally good enough, in my own heart, so that my days can be enjoyed without the shadow of my own guilt and shame forever spoiling my joy. It might well BE perfection, but that isn't the thing I want; it is just to move on, past my flaws, to life as my soul tells me it was always intended to be.
I always wanted to know that I would pass that test, the only test that remained ahead of me, the greatest and most important test. The pass-fail terror. All or nothing.
I yearn for that perfect love that overlooks my badness SO MUCH, it is the same as the badness just vanishing. The love that purifies, not by flame or flood or pain but just by the infinite grace of forgetting.
I wanted this long before I was sure it existed. But I always believed it did. Because I did not think that I COULD want something this badly if it was impossible to have it. For me, the longing was a sort of proof that the thing itself could be had. One did not yearn so deeply for an unwinnable prize. The longing made SENSE, because the thing longed for was real, and within reach.
I didn't know what it looked like or how I would get it... but I had the yearning before, LONG before, I caught a glimpse of the thing I yearned for.
I knew that grace and perfect forgiveness were out there, before I knew what to call them or where they came from.
We don't want nonsensical things. To want something, steadily and for a long time, is very much EVIDENCE for the reality and truth of the thing.
/end ramble