The Unfortunate beginning Part 1

Often times on sleepless nights or on days that I find myself managing life and living with the created fantasies within my mind I am asked about my past. What makes me who I am today? Why do I carry myself as a victim. A mindset of pessimism and a world falling apart?

As a person I'm someone who loathes conflict and confrontational situations. My lifestyle revolves around one of calculation and fear. When around family I try not to speak as if the very thought of it will cause them to isolate me and cause immense pain and harm when in reality they would not cause any such physical harm. (Not now anyway)
Around friends I find myself needing them but at a distance I am comfortable with. I don't often enjoy confrontation by either friends or family so when the time comes when they must talk to me my mind immediately begins to plot as many possible ways to leave the situation and run. Though when someone is in need of advice or help I try to be first in line. Ready to throw it all. Money, items, even my own life is often brought to my mind as a disposable asset for someones happiness even among strangers. I am in not a saint in any sense of the word. I often screen calls and ignore the ones closest to me.

But why? Why do I grow to such great lengths for people even among those who'd never think twice to do the same for me? Why do I blatantly ignore and disregard those that have put the effort to be a part of my life and run from them in fear?

I look back to what caused me to show such disregard for my own life and disappear from the lives of those who only wish to help and speak with me.

I was born in May of 1990. A seemingly normal and healthy baby boy. I was born into a well family. All of whom have shown me love and care for the start of my life. I remember being quite fond of the outdoors. I'd enjoy playing with friends in games of sports and even indulged in video games from the age of 5 when my father gifted me my first console. I would play WWE and a few adventure game titles.

Then it happened. My memory often blocks me from remembering all the details as if remembering it would cause me immense pain but as I am writing I am going to recall to the best of my ability the past that made me who I am.

At what age and date I am unsure I was never much on remembering specifics like that but I may have been 6 or 7 years old I am sure of that small time frame. My parents were both working adults and held jobs and I'd be put under the care of a babysitter. There was at one time a man whose name I do not wish to reveal (yes I know who he is) that had the opportunity to care for my well being. I remember often sitting and watching TV and being approached by my then babysitter. He'd ask me if I was hungry or needed anything as if to show he cared about what I'd want. I recall the days he would invite me into one of the rooms in our apartment and have me watch TV. I'd pay no mind I was just a kid and where I watched anything didn't matter so much to me....

WARNING: The next parts will be graphic. Trigger warning! continue with caution.....

He'd sit there watching the shows before approaching me once it ended. In those days a TV show would last only a half hour. He would try to convince me that there was something amazing he'd have to show me. Intrigued, I'd query him on the subject. He'd simply shrug my comments aside and assured me he would show me. He would go into his bag and there would be quite a few VCR tapes in it. Back then before CD's were made everyone would watch prerecorded media on VCR tapes through a VCR player.

With a smile he would turn on the VCR and place the tape inside . I never got a chance to see what were on them or even what they were yet I was somewhat excited to see what he had to show me. Once he hit the play button I'd finally see it for the first time in my life. I had no idea what I was looking at honestly. To me it was two adults, A man and woman. Kissing and taking off their clothes soon after. I watched, my eyes glued to the screen as my curiosity took hold only for my concentration to be broken by his words. He asked me to take off my clothes, pointing towards the screen as if it served as an instructional video. I looked at him as he began to remove his and asked if I needed help. I guess he was impatient as he decided to take my clothes off anyway.

There we stood naked and I'd heard some moaning behind me thats when I was first introduced to the adult world of sex. He made me do what they did in the video. I was made to give him oral as he touched me. He'd often ask me after what I'd like to do but I would look at the video and stay silent. IT didn't matter to him one way or another. He had plans set out. There was a time he tried to have sex with me but being as.....small.....as I was it proved difficult so he hadn't tried much. This went on for a few months each time he was made to babysit me and each time he would "train" me

There were two words that plague me even now when I try to forget that time.
"What would you like to do now?" and "Don't be scared. This will be good practice for you."

This day will always be the catalyst for all my misfortune afterwards. This was the beginning of the long fall my life would take.

(I can't do anymore right now. I'll resume another time. I'm sorry..)