He Said / She Said - Managing Money

The old way

In the old way of doing things.  When we would have a discussion regarding something like money.  I felt I was the one to listen.  @wwf ran the house.   I didn't know how to do much. I didn't have a job most of the time as I was raising our children.  When I did have a job I made considerably less than he did.  I was the good little house wife and listened to my husband.  I was afraid to do things at times.  When he would give me the silent treatment, I would spend hours, sometimes days wondering what I did wrong.  

Next I would have gone to a friend or family member and had a rant that would have gone something like this:

I have every right to spend the money.  Why is he holding he money.  Doesn't he trust me. Why should I have to show him all my receipts.  This tells me that there is no trust on his part.  I earn the money too, I should have the right to spend it the way I want.  I thought we were in this together, sometimes I wonder if he even loves me.

Please note, these are things I would have said over various times in the first part of our marriage.  In the end I never really felt like a contributing member of our relationship.

One of the reason why we split up was because I wanted a car.  I wanted be able to get around the city without having to ask for a ride or take a bus.  We had two children at this time so taking the bus everywhere was difficult.  

The New Way

Money was always an issue for us.  When we got back together we discussed this issue in great length.  We spent hours hashing out how we would deal with this in our new relationship. 

Ground rules

When we sit down and discuss managing money there are ground rules for our discussion.  Only one person can talk at a time.  There are no interruptions.  Sometimes this is hard for me.  I spend time with my finger on my lips to remind me it is not my turn. @wwf requested years ago that there be no yelling during our discussions.  I have learned to not yell.  This was difficult because I come from a family who raises their voices as well as my mother is half deaf.  Learning to make my voice quiet was quite a challenge.  We always finish the discussion and when we walk away it is a done deal.  We work hard on forgiveness and letting go of the issue.  If it is brought up again it is because we are not done and we need to work out more.  Both parties walk away knowing that it will not be brought up again in another discussion.

Now I don't have a problem confronting @wwf with questions and concerns. Questions like: 

Who is going to manage the money, who's bank account is it going to go into. 

There are times when I will purposefully challenge him. I find I am too easy going so I need to practice my challenging skills.  I don't do it maliciously, it is usually done when I think I don't need to say anything and that is usually a time when I do need to say something.  These are the times when I challenge him.  It also challenges me to keep on the ball and not be so passive.  

We have learned that we each speak a different language.  What I mean by this is we speak the same words but they mean different things to him than to me.   My job in the discussion is to clarify what I am saying so that he can understand me.  In a discussion I also use "I" statements like I am responsible.  

I do have to admit that it take great efforts for me to keep my independence within the relationship even to this day.  I find that I will go into my shell and allow @wwf to take over.  This is something that we are both consciously working on to not have happen. We both work to be vigilant and persistent.

We are very different people now that we were before. We are forever changing which helps us within our relationship but we have also made many big changes so that we can have an interdependent relationship.  

@wwf also wrote a blog on the same issue, and you can read his side of the story here:

https://steemit.com/reconcilingrelationships/@wwf/he-said-she-said-managing-money

Please remember to visit his blog too, as people will be making comments there as well.  This is only half the story, the other half is on his blog.  It is important you read his side too.

Happy reading!