He Said / She Said - Week 2 - Lost In Translation

For those who are new to my blog. This series is a joint post between myself and my husband. He is sitting here beside me writing his view on this topic.  We wanted to show the differences between the two of us and demonstrate how those differences can be bridged respected and cherished.  I will provide a link to his post so you can read his side of the story.

When @wwf and I were first got back together we would spend the day with the kids.  That meant school meals and playing, you know the usual day.  We put our kids to bed at 7 pm.  At the time the boys were 7 and 5.  As soon as they were to bed we could get comfortable on the couch and begin our talk for the night.  These conversations would usually last until 10 or 11 pm.  We did this every night for months with out fail.  At first we talked about the past and how we screwed up and the changes that we wanted to make in the NEW relationship.  We quickly realized that we were two different people because we changed so much when we were apart. That it actually was a new relationship even though we looked the same to each other.

During this process we discovered that we were using the same words but at times we were not meaning the same thing.  This led us to the idea that we needed to translate things to each other.  So we began a sentence with: When you say ... I hear .... This is  how we managed to create our own language as a couple.  

Part of good communication and translating what each other is saying is trust.  This takes quite a bit of trust on both parts.  We had to establish trust boundaries when talking.  At first when we started talking in our long conversations things would get heated because we didn't understand our languages.  When having these conversations we needed to have patience and allow the other person to fully express themselves. Sometimes I am not good at this so he needed patience to allow me to be able to think clearly and to put into words what I am feeling.  Trust also had to happen so there was no attacking what each other said.  We created an environment that was safe no matter what.

One thing that we incorporated into our morning schedule is to talk about the day.  Sometimes this leads to feeling and other issues.  There are mornings where we start talking at 8 am and don't finish until 10 am and the only reason we stop is because we have to get the animals fed and the day started.  We have discovered that living together and working together all the time, we need a large amount of communication to be able to work so closely together.  Even when we were working in the city at our old jobs we still did quite a lot of talking, we felt we needed this so that we could parent and deal with all the situations together as a unit.

One of the examples I use to help people understand about the different language between people is: I will say to @wwf, we need to go fix the fence today.  He hears we need to go fix the fence today.  What I mean is you need to go fix the fence today.  

Another example is when I want to clean the house. The word clean means something different to me than it does to him.  I have learned over the years that to my husband clean means to straighten up and pick the things that he can see in plain view.  However clean to me means to pick up the things in plain view but to also wipe down all the surfaces and floors and to wash everything I can see.  It took me years to understand this.  Now when I say lets clean the house, I can let him do his part, picking up all the stuff he can see and then I finish with wiping everything down.  

I have also learned that when I say lets go shopping, I need to clarify what type of shopping I mean.  Lets go shopping to me means lets go out for the day, who knows when we will get back, who knows how many places we will go to.  I do clarify some of these things but this is a very general statement.  When I go shopping with my husband I let him know what type of shopping we are doing, browsing, grocery shopping and or a combination of things.  Whether it is going to include lunch or coffee etc.  This helps him understand what type of day that he is going to have with me.  I find this also gives him the patience that if I want to just brows for an hour or so he is in the mind frame to do this.  

Communication is a very large part of a healthy relationship. If we don't communicate with our partner, how are they to know what is happing in our world.  Lets face it, even though we are in a relationship we still have our own world and how we deal with things.  Allowing my partner to enter into my world and know how I am feeling, what I am thinking etc. helps him understand me and where I am at in any given moment.  This takes trust with clear honest communication.    

https://steemit.com/reconcilingrelationships/@wwf/he-said-she-said-week-2-lost-in-translation