He Said / She Said - Week 2 - Lost in Translation

For those who are new to my blog, this series of posts is a joint post between myself and my wife @carey-page.  She is sitting here beside me writing her views on this same topic.  We wanted to show the differences between the two of us and demonstrate how those differences can be bridged, respected and cherished.  I will provide a link to her post so that you can read "her side" of this story.  

When we were going through our reconciliation phase in 2002 - 2004, at times we would spend 3-4 hours a night talking.  We had to work through the past so that we could then build the boundaries for a healthy relationship into the future.  Part of that process also involved learning how to translate what each other was saying.

This is the classic Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus scenario.  I speak one language and she speaks another.  Our first and top priority was to first learn how to communicate with one another.  If we failed at this first step it would not matter how much time we spent on the remaining steps, this relationship will also fail.  

My habit in the past was to immediately go into defensive mode, a learned behaviour from my childhood days as my dad would easily get frustrated and yell.  Being 6'3" he was also towered over kids.  My first reaction is to yell and want to leave the room.  Even to this very day I must work very hard to ensure that I don't engage in these actions.  So one of our first ground rules was 'no yelling' and 'no leaving until both of us agree that we are done'.  

Now my job is to sit and listen ... really listen to what she is saying.  Listening is not the same as hearing.  My ears hear the words and I'm good with that process.  But to engage the brain and HEART so that I can comprehend what I heard (aka listen) is the much more difficult part of the process.  I had to learn her language so that I comprehended the intent and spirit of what she was trying to share with me.  I could not assume that her words mean the same as what I think they mean.  Her intent is often expressed in subtle or even hidden ways that I had to find.  It gets easier over time.  

I quickly learned that when she shares with me, she is not looking to me to fix it.  She just needs to express her feelings.  Those feelings are not necessarily about me either.  So my job was to be a sounding board, not a handyman fix it crew.  

I worked hard to change another harmful behaviour where I took everything personally.  I realized that when she is talking, it is not about me - unless she specifically confronts me on something I've done.  I had to work hard to know the difference.  In the beginning I would repeat what she said just to make sure I was comprehending her.  That is why our conversations took so long.  

She would then go through a similar process when ever I was trying to convey how I was feeling.  However, due to my dark past, I sometimes struggle trying to figure out what I am feeling.  I am angry and I don't know why.  So I needed help to explore it so that we could find the root cause.  So we would sit and talk for hours and my job was to try and articulate my feelings and she would ask probing questions to help me with the process.  At times it is very frustrating and I would get even more angry, but when we found the root cause - a sense of calm descends over me and the anger turns to tears.  That is when I know that we found it and my healing can then progress.  I cannot speak for her, but I suspect she has learned not to take my anger personally either.  I am grateful for her ability and willingness to help me through that process.  To this day I still work through stuff in this way.

So how can we tell the difference between working through our own shit or confronting each other?  We are direct and blunt.  If Carey said or did something that hurt me, I would say so.  She does the same for me.  But we don't use 'you' statements as they are weapons and a means to attack.  Instead we work very hard to use 'I' statements followed by how we feel as a result of the words or actions that were taken.  It is important that we maintain the boundaries within our relationship or it could easily descend into a failed marriage once again.  

The language translation process goes far deeper, too much to share in a single post.  But we have learned each others nuances too.  When Carey talks about 'us' doing something, it usually means that she is asking me to do it.  I does not bother me mainly because each morning we sit and talk about what we are going to do for the day.  Expectations are met and I don't take it personally any more.  Our lifestyle requires that we all pitch in.  I don't mind because it fits in with my desire to maintain my own independence as well.  I wash the dishes, do my own laundry, clean the house, do chores and cook a lot of meals too.  She does the same.  So where our lives over lap is where we help one another.

I must admit though, that our life style provides us with a LOT of time together to work through all of these relationship issues.  We literally spend all day together.  Because we don't work jobs, we have spent the last 11 years building homes, gardens, greenhouses, an off grid life style and a relationship that is far stronger now than it EVER has been.  That required a lot of work, compromise, pain, healing, faith in one another and faith in Creator.  Where some couples cannot handle a simple home renovation, we have found a way to prosper though change and all of life's ups and downs.  Where most couples only see each other a few hours a day due to their jobs and busy life, we see each other from dusk to dawn to dusk again.  

Our willingness to be honest with our self and each other has allowed us to go through hell and back.  That process strengthened our relationship and love for one another.  It provided the tools we needed to really get to know one another.  I know more about me than I ever did, because of my relationship with her.  

For me, I had to get real and not hold anything in.  My past behaviour to go 'silent' and run away when ever I got hurt or was angry had to stop.  It was a covert violent behaviour to manipulate her.  Sometimes I cannot sit still when we are talking so I pace the floor.  But I am sharing openly and not running.  No matter how deep or dark the secret is, I've shared it with her.  

Forgiving one another and ensuring our relationship remains peaceful at all times saved our marriage and our lives on countless occasions.  We are no longer lost in translation but instead enjoying a deep intimacy that can only be accomplished by overcoming the dark brutality of a violent past.  

I love her deeply.  She is an example of sacred feminine and I work hard to honour her and myself by walking the path of the sacred masculine.  We found a way to balance one another and work together.  

@carey-page wrote a blog on this same issue and you can read "her side" of the story here: 

https://steemit.com/reconcilingrelationships/@carey-page/he-said-she-said-week-2-lost-in-translation

Please remember to visit her blog too as people will be making comments there as well.  This is only half the story, the other half is on her blog.  It is important that you read her side too!