He Said / She Said - Week 2 - Lost in Translation

in reconcilingrelationships •  7 years ago  (edited)

For those who are new to my blog, this series of posts is a joint post between myself and my wife @carey-page.  She is sitting here beside me writing her views on this same topic.  We wanted to show the differences between the two of us and demonstrate how those differences can be bridged, respected and cherished.  I will provide a link to her post so that you can read "her side" of this story.  

When we were going through our reconciliation phase in 2002 - 2004, at times we would spend 3-4 hours a night talking.  We had to work through the past so that we could then build the boundaries for a healthy relationship into the future.  Part of that process also involved learning how to translate what each other was saying.

This is the classic Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus scenario.  I speak one language and she speaks another.  Our first and top priority was to first learn how to communicate with one another.  If we failed at this first step it would not matter how much time we spent on the remaining steps, this relationship will also fail.  

My habit in the past was to immediately go into defensive mode, a learned behaviour from my childhood days as my dad would easily get frustrated and yell.  Being 6'3" he was also towered over kids.  My first reaction is to yell and want to leave the room.  Even to this very day I must work very hard to ensure that I don't engage in these actions.  So one of our first ground rules was 'no yelling' and 'no leaving until both of us agree that we are done'.  

Now my job is to sit and listen ... really listen to what she is saying.  Listening is not the same as hearing.  My ears hear the words and I'm good with that process.  But to engage the brain and HEART so that I can comprehend what I heard (aka listen) is the much more difficult part of the process.  I had to learn her language so that I comprehended the intent and spirit of what she was trying to share with me.  I could not assume that her words mean the same as what I think they mean.  Her intent is often expressed in subtle or even hidden ways that I had to find.  It gets easier over time.  

I quickly learned that when she shares with me, she is not looking to me to fix it.  She just needs to express her feelings.  Those feelings are not necessarily about me either.  So my job was to be a sounding board, not a handyman fix it crew.  

I worked hard to change another harmful behaviour where I took everything personally.  I realized that when she is talking, it is not about me - unless she specifically confronts me on something I've done.  I had to work hard to know the difference.  In the beginning I would repeat what she said just to make sure I was comprehending her.  That is why our conversations took so long.  

She would then go through a similar process when ever I was trying to convey how I was feeling.  However, due to my dark past, I sometimes struggle trying to figure out what I am feeling.  I am angry and I don't know why.  So I needed help to explore it so that we could find the root cause.  So we would sit and talk for hours and my job was to try and articulate my feelings and she would ask probing questions to help me with the process.  At times it is very frustrating and I would get even more angry, but when we found the root cause - a sense of calm descends over me and the anger turns to tears.  That is when I know that we found it and my healing can then progress.  I cannot speak for her, but I suspect she has learned not to take my anger personally either.  I am grateful for her ability and willingness to help me through that process.  To this day I still work through stuff in this way.

So how can we tell the difference between working through our own shit or confronting each other?  We are direct and blunt.  If Carey said or did something that hurt me, I would say so.  She does the same for me.  But we don't use 'you' statements as they are weapons and a means to attack.  Instead we work very hard to use 'I' statements followed by how we feel as a result of the words or actions that were taken.  It is important that we maintain the boundaries within our relationship or it could easily descend into a failed marriage once again.  

The language translation process goes far deeper, too much to share in a single post.  But we have learned each others nuances too.  When Carey talks about 'us' doing something, it usually means that she is asking me to do it.  I does not bother me mainly because each morning we sit and talk about what we are going to do for the day.  Expectations are met and I don't take it personally any more.  Our lifestyle requires that we all pitch in.  I don't mind because it fits in with my desire to maintain my own independence as well.  I wash the dishes, do my own laundry, clean the house, do chores and cook a lot of meals too.  She does the same.  So where our lives over lap is where we help one another.

I must admit though, that our life style provides us with a LOT of time together to work through all of these relationship issues.  We literally spend all day together.  Because we don't work jobs, we have spent the last 11 years building homes, gardens, greenhouses, an off grid life style and a relationship that is far stronger now than it EVER has been.  That required a lot of work, compromise, pain, healing, faith in one another and faith in Creator.  Where some couples cannot handle a simple home renovation, we have found a way to prosper though change and all of life's ups and downs.  Where most couples only see each other a few hours a day due to their jobs and busy life, we see each other from dusk to dawn to dusk again.  

Our willingness to be honest with our self and each other has allowed us to go through hell and back.  That process strengthened our relationship and love for one another.  It provided the tools we needed to really get to know one another.  I know more about me than I ever did, because of my relationship with her.  

For me, I had to get real and not hold anything in.  My past behaviour to go 'silent' and run away when ever I got hurt or was angry had to stop.  It was a covert violent behaviour to manipulate her.  Sometimes I cannot sit still when we are talking so I pace the floor.  But I am sharing openly and not running.  No matter how deep or dark the secret is, I've shared it with her.  

Forgiving one another and ensuring our relationship remains peaceful at all times saved our marriage and our lives on countless occasions.  We are no longer lost in translation but instead enjoying a deep intimacy that can only be accomplished by overcoming the dark brutality of a violent past.  

I love her deeply.  She is an example of sacred feminine and I work hard to honour her and myself by walking the path of the sacred masculine.  We found a way to balance one another and work together.  

@carey-page wrote a blog on this same issue and you can read "her side" of the story here: 

https://steemit.com/reconcilingrelationships/@carey-page/he-said-she-said-week-2-lost-in-translation

Please remember to visit her blog too as people will be making comments there as well.  This is only half the story, the other half is on her blog.  It is important that you read her side too! 

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Sir, I truly enjoyed reading this, though I am yet to shift to your better half's page.

Perhaps when wife and husband speak different languages, I guess the initial conversation will be thru signs, was it so? Or you have or perhaps had some other method for this? I haven't got a chance to speak with different language guy/girl, but I got many instances where I have to respond to messages or emails in a language other than English. So the best option I felt was to use a translator like google.translate.com and express my words in their language though there use to be some mistakes.

I realized that when she is talking, it is not about me - unless she specifically confronts me on something I've done. I had to work hard to know the difference.

lol, this is something a person who has experienced only can explain. I am sure this would be so much fun.

All fun things apart, I am sure you know her better by now than a person speaking English or your own language if at all, because you know everything about her as you have to understand her totally including the words she speaks and the expressions whether she is angry or she is telling you to do something.

All the best for whatever you 2 do and I think without some spice, the marriage life will be boring. There should be some small fights, getting angry and all to make our bonding with our partner even more stronger.

Going to visit the other half, hope it's even more interesting than this ;)

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus was a great book. I've tried to get Justin to read it but he says we have no problems, lol. I guess we don't have big enough issues, but it's nice to know men will take the time to read and work on things. Talking is so important to us females!

It is actually important for us males too! The book was good, but my experience recovering from my depression is what REALLY helped me 'get it'. I was in major denial for most of my life. Yes, men seem to have stereotype, but I see more and more men overcoming that stereotype to do some really important work and healing. Things are changing and as more and more men do the work, it will influence others to do the same. This will take time. Peace to you my friend.

I really love how you share your stories! I was just thinking, maybe for people who don't like to read much, there could be audio recordings haha. I know some people who would love to hear this stuff but cant focus on reading.

Me and @offgridninja also spend literally all of our time together, and we are learning our different languages and sharing chores all day as well. Although spending so much time together can make things a bit blurry, we also understand each other really well from it!

There are software products that will read out text for people. They are getting better and better, so it is not like one is asking Steven Hawking to read it to them. :)

Carey and I work hard to maintain our independence which helps ensure that things don't get too blurred. But we also accept some cross over as that is part of working on an inter-independent relationship. Good for you for figuring that out so early on in your relationship! I'm not sure if finishing each other sentences is because we can read each other's minds or that they hit resonating frequencies and we often think a lot a like. Given how differently we express ourselves, proven by the posts we wrote, I'm going for the first idea. :)

Hahhaha omg I think telepathy is a thing. Me and @offgridninja are totally incredibly different people and have very different thinking proccesses but always end up saying what the other is thinking, its spooky action at a distance.

For real research into telepathy check out Rupert Sheldrake! he is my favorite scientist. You would probably love his book on science delusions if you havent read it already. Both you and him are my favorite people for sober thought and revolutionary ideas.

Wow. I am honoured to be put into the same sentence as Rupert. Thank you.

ahh he is super awesome, and same with you!

Well My Friend @wwf i do believe there was a very distinct communication gap between you and Carey. Most of the problem causes because of communication gap. As i asked last time and you guys agreed that mistrust was the core reason behind this frustrating situation. It is really well point elaborated that communication gap between husband and wife makes the life more worst and tough.
I am so happy that you turned into a very awesome husband and great father of your kids as i can feel the strength of bond among you guys @wwf and @carey-page

My prayers are always with you people <3

My friend, I honestly believe that over 90% of the problems we face within a marriage, friends or even between countries is associated directly to a breakdown in communication and stubbornness on the parts of those involved. We worked through it and work hard on it every single day! Thank you for the prayers and blessings. <3

Why don't you guys make a dtube channel of you two to help others who are facing the very same problem in their marriages @wwf ?

Because we have limited bandwidth with our local ISP and uploading or downloading video costs a lot of money. Besides, my art form is the written word. That is what I do best. We put together a workshop called 'Reconciling Relationships' in the past, which 4 beautiful spiritual beings attended. I prefer to do that work face-to-face where I can interact with people directly. This is the next best thing.

Oh yes bandwidth issue is really crucial thing as it stops one's connection with the community, This way you are just enlightening a few lives (it is also a micro level approach my friend)
You have potential to lead this community specifically under this topic of reconciliation, i have inner feelings that you can do wonder if you take this step :)

I know that I am influencing a lot of people. I also trust that Creator will guide me to where I need to go. If I need to be on DTube, then things will shift for us to make that happen. I have faith in that. So I will keep my eyes and ears open. Thank you for being a messenger.

How loving <3

Stay Blessed the most influential and amazing couple of the world aka @wwf & @carey-page :*

Anything worth having is worth working for.

It sounds to me that you are both fortunate in your relationship and that love triumphs all.

I recently married Rick ~ we have been together for nearly ten years.

It has always been difficult financially and also due to our desire to live aside from the system.

Rick also now has poor health.

We have endured and grown stronger through adversity.

If I recall correctly Carey is psychic ~ I wonder whether you guys can relate to the following ~ Rick's less than desirable, dark, historic episodes are directly related to psychic attack?

I appreciate your honesty here.

With Love.

xox

If you have a spare moment I have an essay on Love here which could benefit from a little love! ;)

Sorry to hear of Ricks failing health. I don't think I would call Carey a 'psychic'. I also cannot speak for her either. You would have to ask her if she could tell or not what is causing his poor health. She is the medicine woman in our family.

Congratulations on your recent commitment to one another. I pray it was a spiritual ceremony rather than a 'legal' one as you indicated that you desire living outside of the system. :) I pray you have many good years together.

Thank you for taking the time to share and comment. I do appreciate that very much.

Rick will be fine ~ eventually, so that is all good but thanks for your empathy.

Sadly we required legality for wills :( Not so easy to step completely out of the system with children from previous unions to consider.

I will pop by Carey's later but I am typing this in between cooking! Yay the woman can multitask.

Be well and thanks for the support over at mine ~ it means alot.

With love.

xox

You are welcome. Yes, old connections to the state make life complex and challenging. I'm sure Carey can help more than I can. I'll give her the heads up to expect a message from you. <3

I can very much relate to your behavior pattern...I was "silent brooder" type...exploded once things built up inside...used mean looks and loud voice to control...

Have learned what communication means...the way we "filter" things...not to react but listen...don't have to "fix it"...and I have the right to express my feelings which I'm better at recognizing these days....

Also...silence is fine...I am not a natural small talker...I need to get momentum...my wife has had to learn to be patient with me and be careful with her body language since she doesn't have a very long attention span and often "looks" disinterested...

I also had to learn my wife needs to process everything by talking out loud constantly and its okay if I'm not clear if she's actually talking to me or just to herself!

Yes, I find that my old reactions are actually very common. I've shared like this before in other areas and had many people share with me how they too went through similar experiences. Thank you for sharing and having the sight to see what you were doing and the awareness to make changes. Bravo to you as that process takes a lot of courage and I applaud you for walking that path.

Dear @wwf. On my own invitation to @steembasicincome by @ligayagardener I decided to bring other members of our community into this experiment. You are one of them and independent from the delegation I received from you yesterday, shortly before that I invited you as well, only to see afterwards, that you where already in. Now you have a second share! :D. Happy to be part of this! What a great time to be alive!

Thank you @my-permaculture. Let's see how this works out. I think another individual already got me involved in @steembasicincome. But I appreciate the gesture. Thank you! We will indeed see where this goes. :)

It simply means you have two shares, meaning you will receive a higher basic income.

Yes. I comprehend what that means. Thank you! <3

Your childhood story is excellent and you have spent your childhood very well and you have been able to fulfill your differences with your linguistic side very well.

Ummm. I think you misunderstood this post as what I shared here regarding my childhood was NOT excellent at all. Perhaps you should go back and re-read my post OR ask questions to clarify what I meant as your interpretation of my childhood missed the mark completely.

With further effort on both of our parts, we can clear up this communication issue that we are facing.

Everything about this series ranging from post title characters and the post description is very beautiful. I had not followed @carey-page before so I just did. Good job @wwf.

Thank you. Care to share in more detail what you like about this work, how it touches you?

Sure. All of us, the readers can relate to it. We have problems in our lives sometimes, it seems as if there is no way out/going back just like in your case when you lost the most valuable person in your life for caring so much for money and it lead to depression and thoughts about suicide. You did the right thing and an equal credit goes to your wife who trusted you once again and thus you started a new beginning that's very beautiful.

wow even you also donate your steem doller to the poor people.nice thats great.i saw your image.thank you very much…

Great principles of communication. This one really stands out for me:

'So one of our first ground rules was 'no yelling' and 'no leaving until both of us agree that we are done'. '

Your commitment to stick with a conversation until each of you feels heard is so critical. This is something missing in so many relationships.

If that commitment is not made at sometime early in the relationship, both habits - no yelling & walking away before the conversation is done - I think it is a death knell for it.

Thanks for your fine example; which I witness often.

I quickly learned that when she shares with me, she is not looking to me to fix it. She just needs to express her feelings. Those feelings are not necessarily about me either. So my job was to be a sounding board, not a handyman fix it crew.

This is so true. men just want to fix things. Women want a sounding board and then fix it our way.

We found a way to balance one another and work together

This is the very foundation of a good marriage. You need to balance or compliment each other in order to work together. You become soulmates.

There was this girl I had a crush on then in highschool, but before anything could begin, it had already ended. You sharing this most has made me realize some of my mistakes. I believe if I had put in more work in trying to understand her better, things would have turned around. Thanks for sharing @wwf

Thanks to both of yall for doing this. What a great idea, and so helpful!