My father kidnapped me from my mother when I was four to increase his chances of making it to the states.
Under the Bill Clinton plan to take in Haitian refugees in the 90s. He used me to get here. As soon as we arrived we were housed with two other families. That's when he gave me to one of those families and basically abandoned me. Growing up without a mom and a dad less than 10 miles away that wants nothing to do with you is traumatic.
For so long I felt like the unwanted child, the one who never belonged and never knew why. Growing up with that family had some happy moments if you take away the physical, verbal and sexual abuse. So you see my history with men, steming from my father has always been a disappointment. I just want someone to make me feel loved and wanted. Not to be discarded when they are done with me.
Therapy has helped a lot. Having someone to listen to all you have been through and why you view the world the way you do. I've pushed down these feelings and emotions for so long.
Eventually, I reached an age where I need to be mentally ok and speaking about the memories have helped me release them and accept that I'm fucking better than what happened to me. I deserve more and I will give it to myself.
Self assessment and self love is a beautiful and powerful thing. Trust me.
