How to Break Up with a Friend Who Has Snakes for Hands

Breaking up with a friend who has snakes for hands can be just as difficult and painful as a romantic breakup—perhaps more so, because two venomous snakes are involved. Here’s how to end it in a mature and non-lethal way.
Evaluate Your Friendship

Maybe your friend’s snakes for hands were what drew you to her in the first place. She seemed so much wilder than your other friends, always hanging out in hot, dark places. But, as with the shedding of an epidermis, we can outgrow friendships that no longer suit our life styles.
Here are some signs that it’s time to let go:

• You worry that she will literally suck the life out of you.
• You have to walk on eggshells around her or risk provoking the snakes.
• You can’t remember the last time you had fun with her or didn’t live in constant fear of neurotoxic death when she was around.
• Your friend makes every conversation about snake care!
Set Clear Boundaries

If you’re not ready to end the friendship, you can try communicating your needs. You can say, “I would appreciate it if you didn’t come over unannounced, especially when small children or pets are around.” Or, “I’d love it if we could hang out at places I like, and not just areas of deep vegetation.” Still not getting the hint? It’s time to be firm and explicit: “Look, I have a lot on my plate, and the last time you dropped by, your snakes coiled around my entire body and my heart stopped beating. I need my space.”
Have a Sit-Down Conversation

Pick a public place in order to prevent any dramatic outbursts. You should still be prepared for your friend to get defensive, or for the snakes to strike and inject you with a venom so powerful that it will collapse your entire nervous system, resulting in a quick yet profoundly painful death. Just remember, these conversations are never easy!
What to Say

Try to frame the conversation in a way that doesn’t place blame on your friend.
Avoid saying something like:

• You have a lot of great qualities; having snakes for hands is not one of them.
• You have two snakes where hands should be. Need I say more?
• Oh, dear God!!!
Instead, try something along the lines of:

• You mean a lot to me, but I have to cater to my own needs. Like, my need to survive with all of my vital organs intact.
• I’m just at a different place in my life right now. I have a family. I live in the suburbs. I can’t drop everything and feed live mice to your snakes for hands like I used to.
• You deserve so much better. You deserve a friend who will show up at a moment’s notice to liberate a head from your hand snake’s jaws. A friend who is also good at avoiding making any sudden movements would be ideal.
Your friend may try to convince you to stay, and even go so far as to claim that she’ll train her snakes, or muzzle them. But those are empty promises. You have to put yourself first. Your life may depend on it.