Compassion is at the very heart of good communication and meaningful relationships. Being compassionate entails imagining being in someone else's shoes and desiring to ease their suffering. Suffering is the sorrow of having lost someone or something of meaning to us.
Being compassionate entails imagining being in someone else’s shoes and desiring to ease their suffering. Suffering is the sorrow of having lost someone or something of meaning to us. Paradoxically, suffering is intimately linked with joy, for inherent in every moment of joy lies the potential of loss. Since the hours of joy are fleeting, they are tinged with the shadow of sadness.
On the other hand, suffering also may retain some of the joy we once experienced, just as Blues music expresses suffering so beautifully. Witnessing suffering may bring meaning to the pain and can help move a person to the other side of suffering.
What does Compassion mean?
Compassion is a Deep awareness of the suffering of another, coupled with the wish to relieve it.
To be compassionate is to always pity.
So how does this got to do with Relationship?
It has a rich role to play in your relationship. No partner would ever reject a caring, loving and understanding spouse, it's not possible.
When you always put yourself in someone's shoes before acting you are therefore compassionate.
To be compassionate does not require fixing problems or agreeing with others. It only calls for giving someone your full attention and presence. If your partner feels that you’ve ignored him, you can feel compassion for his state of mind even if you don’t agree with his perception. Compassion doesn’t require listening to endless gripes and complaints, which can be exhausting and unproductive.
Anger
Should you have compassion for someone who is angry at you? Absolutely, even though it may not be easy! Once you look behind the anger, you may find fear and unmet desire. For example, if your partner is angry because you’re absorbed in your own activities, becoming defensive simply continues the cycle of anger and you may remain unaware that he or she feels somewhat abandoned and is unable to admit it. Once you truly see the hurt or fear driving the anger, there’s a good chance of communicating effectively about what really matters to each person.
Compassion for oneself
We need to be compassionate toward ourselves. Understanding the dynamic that leads us to lose our temper, for example, is more effective than harsh self-criticism. Looking for the fear or hurt beneath our temper allows us to find a better way to address it. Ruthless self-condemnation, on the other hand, simply buries the hurt or unmet need deeper until the situation is ripe for another explosion.
Compassion does not equal tolerating abuse
Compassion recognizes the humanity in all people, and accepts that all of us have our weaknesses. Yet, compassion does not mean condoning or tolerating abusive behavior. You can have compassion for someone who has hurt you or others, while still holding them accountable for their actions. If your spouse has had an affair, for example, although you might try to understand how that situation developed, you don’t need to accept the behavior. In fact, you should probably protect yourself from further harm.
The role Compassion plays in our Relationship:
Communication without compassion imprisons us in a world of judgment. Judgment uses language that implies wrongness or badness. “You’re lazy.” “She’s selfish.” “He’s narcissistic.” Blame, insults, and labels don’t enhance life, they alienate it. It’s tempting to judge things as good or evil, right or wrong, or black or white, but we do so out of fear or contempt. Nobody’s needs, least of all our own, will be met that way.
Compassion can be blocked by using comparison as a form of judgment. Compare your own musical accomplishment to that of Mozart and you’ll feel thoroughly demoralized rather than inspired. However, our personal joy in music cannot be compared to anyone else’s, including Mozart.
The most dangerous barrier to compassion is the denial of responsibility for our actions. We all remember the Nazi system of invoking higher authority, which authorized normal people to commit horrendous crimes against humanity. When we deny responsibility for our actions, we enter dangerous territory and distance ourselves from our humanity.
Even if we may be tempted to say, “she makes me unhappy or he makes me angry,” we need to take responsibility for our expectations, feelings, and actions. We can handle disappointments with understanding and compassion, and at the same time adjust our future expectations of those who continue to disappoint us.
troubled relationships, couples tend to blame waning compassion on (in descending order over time):
Issues
Differences, disagreements
Partners’ bad behavior
Partners’ character.
The initial cause of diminishing compassion is more subtle. Most of the time it’s a contradiction between what negative emotions feel like and what they look like.
Emotions are activated by change, either external (in the environment) or internal - sensation, physiological variation, thoughts, memories, imagination. Emotions respond to perceived change by sending action signals to the muscle groups and organs of the body. They prepare us to do something; they motivate behavior.
The motivational element of emotions has strong physical manifestations, which evolved before language, when emotional demeanor and expression were the primary forms of communication and negotiation. These are most apparent in:
Body language (facial expressions, posture, gestures, eye movement)
Tone of voice
Attention/distraction.
What are commonly called “feelings” are the subjective element of emotions, how individuals experience them in the mind and body.
Now here’s the problem. Negative emotions almost always feel different on the inside from the way they look on the outside.
For example, resentment feels hurtful and devaluing, like you’ve been victimized or treated unfairly; it looks self-righteous, mean, rejecting, and unfriendly. Anxiety feels tense, like you’re overburdened or might become overwhelmed; it looks controlling or demanding and often manipulative in love relationships. Sadness feels painful, with a sense of loss; in the context of a low-compassion relationship, it looks self-obsessed or rejecting.
Following are some examples of how you can bring awareness to these areas and begin to practice being more compassionate in your relationship.
Attention
We all need attention—to feel seen, heard, and recognized. We need to know that we matter and that we are a part of a greater collective. Think about the ways in which you need and seek attention each day, and consider how you might provide this need for attention for your partner.
Listen with Intention
One way to be attentive toward your partner is to minimize distractions so that you can be completely present with them. Turn toward them and listen with the intention of really hearing what they are saying. Try listening with your heart rather than your mind when your partner is expressing themselves. Let them finish sharing their thoughts and feelings before interjecting your opinion or your solution, or going back to whatever you were working on. Often times, people just need to be paid attention to and feel heard.
Affection
Everyone needs some level of affection, including those who aren’t necessarily the touchy-feely types. Affection comes in many forms, including a sincere smile, a kind gesture, a gentle touch on the arm, giving hugs, or making love. You can also be affectionate in your speech by using soft tones, encouraging words, and compliments.
Be Kind with Your Speech
Sometimes it's not what we say but, rather, how we say things. Take a moment to really consider what your partner is going through and speak to them with loving kindness. Consider a time when you were going through something similar and see how you might support your partner in a way that would have felt good for you in your own time of need.
If what they are experiencing is affecting you in a negative way, you may want to contemplate what you're feeling inclined to say to them before doing so. Run your communication through these questions in your mind prior to verbalizing it: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Do I want to be right or do I want to have peace?
Appreciation
Each of us has an innate need to feel valued and appreciated, especially by those we love. Find ways to show your appreciation for your partner by acknowledging their actions and being thoughtful about ordinary matters. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagine what their reality is like to help you better understand where they are at. Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world and they take the time to bask in their appreciation for one another. Consider the qualities and characteristics of your partner that you genuinely appreciate and share these things with them frequently.
Nurture Your Friendship and Your Relationship
Successful relationships all have a solid friendship at their core, which points to the individuals having a mutual respect for and an enjoyment of each other’s company as a foundational component. They don’t just get along, there is a fondness and an admiration for one another and they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations. It’s also highly productive to spend time having conversations about shared meaningful experiences on a regular basis.
Acceptance
As individuals, we all share an imperative need to feel accepted by our partners and in our daily lives. It’s easy to accept those aspects of ourselves and others that are beautiful, inspiring, happy, and successful. Where the real challenge lies is accepting ourselves and others’ not-so-desirable qualities.
Create a Safe Space for Your Partner to Be Themselves
Create a safe environment for your partner to be vulnerable and share themselves fully. Let them know how much you care for them and that you have no judgment toward anything they may be thinking or feeling, and that they are perfect just as they are. None of us are exempt from embodying behaviors, qualities, or characteristics that are less than desirable.
Whenever you are feeling charged up about someone else’s behavior, ask yourself: Where have I demonstrated this type of behavior in my own life? It won’t take much digging to find where we all have the capacity to exercise poor judgment and to make mistakes. The gift in recognizing this is that we are able to glean the lesson or wisdom from those qualities and use them in positive ways. By recognizing that we all share in this experience at some point or another, it helps us soften into supporting another when they are in a place of suffering or need. Tell your partner all the ways in which you appreciate and accept them for who and what they are—exactly as they are.
Sometimes it’s difficult to remain in a compassionate place with our partners. It requires a level of awareness and emotional intelligence that, at times, can seem far-reaching. You will always have some complaints about your partner and vice versa. Catching yourself before you go to a place of criticism or defensiveness and pausing for a moment can be just the thing you need to redirect your focus toward compassion for your partner. Bring yourself back to all the positive things about your relationship and wait until you’re both in a good space before discussing challenges. From this space, you can work together to set course corrections and design conscious and loving recovery strategies.
Compassionate people are happier people. Couples who are compassionate with one another have more joy and understanding in their relationships. Compassion, which is a combination of empathy, concern, kindness and consideration, is a cornerstone for those wanting a fulfilled love life.
When you are sad, a compassionate gesture from your mate can make all the difference in your mood. Warm hugs and words of encouragement take away a lot of discomfort. To have someone hold your hand -- offering emotional support by just being there for you -- can ease your pain, no matter what it is about.
Without compassion, a relationship can become harsher. When that happens, your interactions are less caring, and you may start to build resentments, which might make you feel that you are in the relationship by yourself.
Developing and expressing your compassion creates a safe zone for your love and for all the feelings and issues that may arise in your life. You cannot replace the soft touch of your partner and his or her sympathy with anything else. It is what heals you both, and it gives you much more emotional security than you may think.
Creating compassion is not difficult. First, it requires desire. You will want to ask your partner what his or her needs are in this area, as well as explain your own needs. Having this discussion will make being compassionate toward each other much easier, for you will know exactly where to focus your energy.
The next part is a little more challenging, as you will need to make the commitment to always maintain a dialogue in a compassionate manner. There is no room for harshness in a compassionate relationship. And if any such negative behavior does occur, you will both need to identify it and shut it down, so you can get back to relating in an appropriate manner.
A great and simple exercise to help enhance compassion is just to look into each other's eyes. This action has been highly romanticized in the movies, but it is seldom taken in modern relationships. We are usually looking at the television instead of each other. Looking deeply into the eyes of the one you love and sensing his or her emotions is going to create more depth and compassion.
Showing compassion is good, but being compassionate is even better. When your mate is sharing an issue with you and you demonstrate concern, you are making it known that you are not just there for your partner, but you also really care about what he or she is going through. Your mate will feel it and be able to return the gesture in kind.
Practice compassion as part of daily life. The good feelings you get from it will only make you want to have more. The depth you feel in your relationship, when you know how much your mate cares, is palpable. It changes the way you relate. You will become kinder and more considerate toward each other. And that is a plus for any couple.
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