Let me start off by saying, it's not you, it's me! … SO cliché, but it is what it is.
Here I go, it has only been almost 2 weeks since we welcomed our new bundle of joy into this cold, wintery world. I know this isn’t a lot of time to determine things in her life at the moment, but everyday is a growing, challenging experience for me. Most of the time, by the time you get home, i have been spit up on, drooled on and used my own clothes half the time to clean this up. My eyes are tired, my back hurts from sitting in a certain position from breastfeeding and bouncing her all day to make sure she gets the correct amount of sleep she needs to become big and strong. I manage to get a bath or 2 in there for myself, to wind down, to relax, which is a great upside, but the downside to this is I still cannot use any bubble bath or body washes correctly, which means not washing my hair cause our shower isn’t in perfect working condition, which is fine! I have not stopped bleeding, and it hurts to empty my bladder. Everyday I am noticing a “good” difference in this getting better, but I still think it’s going to take a few more weeks until i'm back to where I would like to be.
I don’t remember the last time I actually felt “pretty”. I definitely didn’t feel pretty during my pregnancy, that took me on a whole rollercoaster of emotions that I’m not even going to get into… but after a baby, my hair is 98% dry shampoo, I wear baggy clothes so I can breastfeed comfortably and I feel like nothing of mine will ever fit me again. On top of all this, I don’t have time to tidy the kitchen properly, let alone paint my nails, do my hair or throw some makeup on my face to show you I still care about myself and I still wanna be pretty in your eyes.
Sometimes I get irritated with things, little things, not so much things YOU have done, but things that people say or do. I feel like my body is currently, still, NOT MINE. Even though it is feeding our newborn child, and somewhat shrinking back to what it was before I got pregnant, I still have the feeling of it not being mine.
When I wake up in the morning, I have all these hopes and dreams of having the entire house cleaned when you walk in the door from a long day at work, I’ll have dinner prepared and ready to go and I will look like a million bucks with a baby on my arm. BUT, in reality, i'm not quite used to the whole “new mommy” thing, and trying my hardest to be the “best mommy” I can be, and by doing that, I sometimes feel like I am failing and being the “best housewife” I can and want to be, and I just want you to know, my intentions are very high, but like I said, reality brings me down a few levels and throws me off.
I wanna run up to you when you get home, and show you all the affection I can possibly show you, give you a huge hug and a kiss and show you I love you and I missed you.. But instead I pass our new daughter off to you just so I can go pee, or I ask if you can watch her for an hour so I can possibly get a quick nap in again before I have to feed her again. I am tired, mentally & physically.
All I ask from you, is please be PATIENT with me.
Please continue to love me, even when I may push you away, when those were never my intentions to do. Please take me on dates, show me you still love me and our lives together by small, sweet gestures like filling my water bottle for me or surprising me with chips and dip (or sushi and a glass of wine ;) ) please keep kissing me, goodnight and good morning, and when you leave from work and when you come home from work, please continue to talk about our future together, and all the grand things and ideas we want to do. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE never stop loving me through this stage of our life, cause I will never stop loving you and I will never stop appreciating ALL that you do for this family and me and baby. Like I told you the other night; “I don’t know what I would do without you” because it’s hard doing this alone during the day, and I wouldn’t trade you for anyone else in this world because seeing you with our daughter is the single best thing in my life these days, and it gets me through my days to come, and puts mental images in my mind for me to smile when your not around, counting down the hours and minutes until you come home from work!
My promise to YOU!
I promise I want you to touch me and snuggle me and kiss me when we manage to sleep together in bed, I miss you so DAMN much it hurts and makes me sad. I promise my love grows for you every day, even though I might not say it or show it. (you know me showing my emotions sometimes is through writing them out and letting you read them) I promise when you are gone, I miss you tremendously and can't wait for you to come home to us. I promise to show you as hard as I can in everyway I can that I love you, when I start feeling like myself again I hope to bring the love and spark back into our lives. In the meantime, please love me, don’t forget about us and the amazing memories we have made in the past 2 years, and please don’t stop loving me.... And don't run away! ;) I want to spend my life with you. I’m sure of it, I’ve been sure of it since our 1st date.
XOXO, MM
I Love You David <3 forever & ever