I was neck-deep in a technical paper yesterday and found myself talking with a couple of my former techs. Great people, always help me with any question that I can’t research to death, I respect them all immensely, and it’s reciprocated.
I was giving the quick rundown of “yeah, no change here, still super bitchy, still mean as a pit viper”, and my diesel tech that wasted a few clutches trying to teach me hi from lo gears asked me, “so are you Ok since, ya know, I heard about Corey…”
I must admit, it stung a little hearing his name. I know he’s gone, it’s been 6 months, I am aware of the stages of grief. But to hear someone else, someone I respect so much ask me with, I dunno, trepidation in his voice…maybe afraid I was going to fall apart, maybe afraid I was going to remind him I have no feelings.
I said, “yeah, I’m ok, I don’t dwell on that part of my life. I don’t dwell on anything involving significant others, I’m pretty significant to my damned self”. He laughed, but then he said “so, what, you just gave up? You just refuse to see anyone? Are you back to that celibate thing you did in 2001?”
Dear God, no, that was a different type of alone. I needed to wrap my brain around the fact that I was a fuckboy magnet then. Now, I just don’t even address it. I hear people ask me, but I pretend like I don’t. It’s just not worth discussing anymore.
I usually say I’m not planning alone, but alone keeps making plans with me. Who am I to stand alone up? That’s fucking rude.
I’m just…tired. I’m tired of the lies they tell me, I’m tired of the way that finding out the truth feels like I’m being punched in the chest. I’m tired of the letdown, the “oh…ok” when, yet again, everything I thought he was is nothing near the truth. What’s the point? If I can just be ok, not great, but really and truly ok, then I would rather be exactly this than the runny mascara mess I am at the letdown. Ok is even-keeled. Ok is steady.
I feel like in matters in love, I’ve been drug around by my heart and not gently either. So for me, I think that it’s not really a refusal, it’s a lack of acknowledgment that normal people move forward. I think I’ll stay right here where I’m in familiar territory. I think I’ll stay right here where I know the lay of the land.
