"My partner wants some time out and says it has nothing to do with me. Can I believe her?"

Hi,

I am/was in a relationship with another woman and last weekend we went on vacation for a few days. We had many wonderful moments and good conversations and we relate in many loving ways (which has been the case since we met)… but our omnipresent “problem” that expresses itself in bed has given us moments of insecurity and perplexity, as happened at the end of this short vacation…

I am not so sure if this is the real reason for our decision to have some “time out”. It was evident that in our experiences of sexuality together, my partner had a problem taking my “giving”. Although she says that it is her problem and that it has nothing to do with me as a person, I cannot really believe that. She says that she is probably no longer able to have a relationship at all (no matter with whom) and that she would not be any good for me like that. And also that it could not be my job to help her out of it… so in her opinion we should separate because it would be better for me and not because she is not content with me.

We both are willing to find a solution that is good for both of us. Since the time out only started a few days ago, everything is still uncertain and vague… and I need lots of strength and energy, more than I would like to give to this situation…

Any suggestions?

B. Jones

Credit: Tony Walsh on colossal

Mr. Jomnes,

I will second your partner in one thing: it really has nothing to do with you! Most often in a relationship, we serve merely as mirrors to each other.

If she said that she might no longer be able to be in a relationship, then she surely well described her inner state now. Your love for her should allow you to trust her because your partner actually faces an issue with the relationship she has with herself; to learn to give herself love; to give herself “sexuality”.

She cannot accept your giving because she can not “give” to her own self what she really deserves; she cannot give herself Love. And there, my friend, is where you cannot proceed any further: You can not give her anything that she is not (yet) ready to receive from within herself.

You know, every relationship always revolves around the matter of how deep the love for yourself is. Does one really truly love oneself? Problems in a relationship are always a measure of your own attitude towards yourself.

For you, this means that you may have a painful goodbye if she ultimately decides to part from you. But that also means that once again you will have taken a big step closer towards yourself. Through these situations, we always let go of a part that just didn’t belong to us anymore. It is painful, I know, and I myself could sing a little song about it. But now I understand that all of my sufferings had to be just as they were. Without them, I would not be where I am now and it took me much further than I could have predicted. I do not say that it has to be the same for everyone but when I look around, I see many that experience the same things I have.

Only when we are ready to look at the pain, and the hurt feelings, and start to ask ourselves what they want to tell us, can we see the change in our life. And even if the situations seem the same over and over again, I assure you that they are different each time. It brings you steadily closer to the understanding that truthfully we are never disconnected from the world around us and with the people in it.

In this understanding lies the truth about “TrueLove” and that this Love is always with us and never has and never will leave us.