Losing Lucy. My miscarriage.

The day I accepted the fact I lost my baby, Lucy, was the day I lost everything.
Hope, my Lover, my best friend and I lost my mind.
Have I retrieved it from that dark place I dug out for myself, who knows.

They say, “it’s not your fault, these things just happen. ”
What causes it? If not my fault, then who’s to blame, or what force of nature can I take this frustration out on?

Is it God, fate, destiny, karma or just really, really, bad luck?

No matter the higher power at work, the cause is only a distraction from the empty space left inside me.
Where a tiny creation I made in one of the most passionate moments of my life, is missing.

I’ve heard that “..we’re the only ones that control our life, our destiny. “
That in any given situation, we have a choice to act or react, or do nothing at all.
I did all of thee above and saw the threads of my life unravel before me, as I sat by as a dysfunctional passenger.

We walk around like we have shields that protect us from accidents and natural disasters. Racing cars, playing Russian roulette as we puff on our cigarettes and down another beer.
“That can’t happen to me.”

And that’s the biggest tragedy in life. One moment you’re daydreaming of the perfect wedding and the next you’re being told your baby doesn’t have a heart beat.

There’s really nothing anyone can say to make that better. It’s been months since I lost her but it’s still fresh in my thoughts.
No one schools you on how to lose a baby.
No one picks up “How to Live After A Miscarriage” on a random trip to Barns and Noble.
Nothing can prepare you for that heart- throttling moment when you realize your own body has quickly reduced itself to a walking tomb.

I’d like to say this situation has a happy ending.
That my lover and I faced this heartbreaking experience hand-in- hand. That we’re now trying for another baby and happily wed.
But we know that’s not how real life works out.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Maybe I’ll have my best friend back one day.
Till then, I hope God has mercy on me and gives me back my Lucy one day.

Much Love,
Elise