Processing........

I have said very little....until now. Its been about 10 weeks....I had to process the events, I am not really sure if I am finished, but, I will try to speak some of my feelings today.......

It was the summer of my 17th year, the first time I saw him......and pretty much love at first sight. I was at my waitressing job and he walked through the back of the coffee shop to the bar, with all the bar girls, like he had been there before.....and he had.
It was the beginning of my 32 year love affair with a gay man. Only it was more than that, he was so many things to me......but never my lover.
We lived in redneck Alberta in the 80's.....being openly gay, WAS NOT a thing.....it could get you beaten half to death, or worse. Which explains why we hung out together for almost a couple years before he was able to tell me he was gay. Which was no big deal, I loved him, I would have accepted anything he told me.

There are so many details that happened over a 32 year span, I am struggling to put them to words......I guess I am not ready to share the intimacies that our relationship took over the years yet.....together and apart. I will try to share more about that at a later date.

He left this world 10 weeks ago, by his own choosing....but yet, not really. He was Stage 4 Non Hodgkins Lymphoma.....he had already beat it once in his 20's....but the fight was gone from him this time. He informed me in a series of phone calls, as he informed many others that loved him as much as I did.......and then a couple days later, he exercised his right to die.

I understand why he did what he did, but at the same time....devastation is what I feel, and I can't shake it. I am reduced to tears with no notice, and the pressure on my heart is immense........ I realize I am not as ready to talk about him, as I thought.![]()