Eternally Beautiful

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Melissa saw Alex in a dream. One night the past week, the other night, and last night. Now, by pure accident, she was face to face with Alex himself.

“How are you?” he said, after searching for words to say. “My ESP is strong. I somehow felt that we will see each other. Here we are.”

She said nothing. She was thinking. Trying to make sure if it was real, that she was really face to face with the man who, at one time, was the focus of her thoughts and heartbeats. The man who, from then till now, has etched a vast hole on her being.

“You haven’t said anything. It’s like you saw a ghost. I said, how are you? Have you gotten married?”

“No.” She was unsure of her answer. She forced a smile, worried she might not manage to hide the sparkle in her eyes. Proof that until now, Alex is still the old Alex for her. The man before her must not notice this. Back then, Alex often teased her after looking in her eyes. “You look like you’re in love. It’s obvious in your eyes.” And he would follow it with a boisterous laugh.

She didn’t ask how Alex has been. There was no need to. She knew of his life with Didith. She knew Alex is happy, she didn’t want to hear it anymore. She was afraid to feel her heart shattering again. It has been shattered once. Meanwhile, somewhere out there, the heart of another rejoiced – Didith, when she successfully stole Alex from her.

Alex was the one who insisted on telling how he has been. Perhaps, in order to send a message to her. “What about me, aren’t you gonna ask how I am? I have two kids now.”

She simply nodded. How she wished to say that she had a kid now, too. A kid who would not have a brother or sister anymore, it seemed. Instead, she joked to Alex. “That’s the most ideal thing nowadays ... two kids. Maybe you want to have more?”

“Two is not enough,” he said, scratching his head. “I definitely want to have more. But surely, it would be with another woman.”

She joked again, with malice. “How come? Did Didith become infertile?”

“Didith is gone.”

She was taken aback. “Why, did she hit her head and leave you?”

Alex openly told his story. Just like old times. Uninhibited telling of stories, without reservations. He was still that comfortable around her.

“Did she really fall ill?” she joked. “Maybe she just got upset with you.”

In her heart, she knew that Didith died happy in Alex’s company.

“You might not believe it. But even before, despite the two of us being married and living together, there were times that I would find myself yearning for you.”

She quickly dismissed all that Alex was about to say next. Truth is, she wanted to believe and she wanted to take Alex in her arms. But unlike before, she now had to suppress the feelings that would complicate matters.

But here is Alex. Despite everything, after all that happened, he’s still hoping that the moment will come when it would still be the two of them.

SHE still loves Alex. Along with this feeling is what she still feels, back then till now.

It’s such a pity that they came into each other’s lives too soon. It was back in high school. Right guy at the wrong time. The timing was off, but they were perfect for each other.

They went to college. At a time when she was so busy studying, Alex kept pestering her about the matter of the two of them.

“It would feel better to get married without studies to worry about, wouldn’t it?” she asked. “Besides, why should we rush, anyway? We’re still young, huh!”

When they finished school, she once again busied herself with studying for the licensure exams. After she was done with all these preoccupations, that was when Alex married Didith. Didith had been eyeing Alex long before anyway, ready with a trap for the moment he makes a single mistake. Didith was able to give one thing that she couldn’t give Alex. And then she felt a great emptiness...

What if she didn’t take their relationship for granted?

“I’m the one to blame,” Alex said. “I should’ve understood you, that the things you were busy with were for your future. I shouldn’t have rushed things.”

She herself felt something to blame herself for. Maybe, if she spent time to think of what Alex wanted, he wouldn’t have gone to Didith’s arms. They wouldn’t have broken up and both gone to somebody else’s lives.

There came a time when she herself fell into the hands of someone else. What hurt was, when the right time for her came, the man she found was the wrong one. Because, unlike Alex, the hands she fell into did not take her to take care of her and treat her as theirs. They took her for a moment to own her for a moment

and then pass her to someone else – to anyone who still wished to own her. Unlike how Alex was to Didith, despite the truth that she loved him more than he loved her, his intentions on her remained pure.

But until they parted ways, she did not confess these things to Alex. And it was best that she did not marry that man. If she and Alex would still be together as time passed, no one would get in the way.

“I AM SO CONFUSED,” she whined to her best friend. “I’m delving deep into myself. I still love him.”

“You’re still the one in control of yourself. You’re not a kid anymore. If you want to be with Alex, tell him the truth. There’s no reason for him not to understand. Especially because the fact that he loves you will prevail.”

“I know that, Julie. But ...”

SHE carried her child who welcomed her home. In instances like these, instead of coming back, the dark past leaves her mind on its own.

“Ma-mama.” This was followed by a stuttering “pa-papa”.

She smiled away the pain that pierced her. “Papa’s not here,” she said. “Papa’s somewhere far away.”

The truth is, what she should’ve said was that you don’t have a papa. May he be near or far, I don’t know. He did not say goodbye to me.

She was only five months pregnant when the wrong man that came into her life vanished for good.

Her identity was now diminished. Not like before, back when deep within her, she felt the beauty of herself in its deeper essence. Back then was when she wanted to offer herself completely to Alex. Now, it wouldn’t be Alex’s honor to take her as his. And they might not both become happy anymore.

Perhaps every now and then, in the course of their relationship, the accusations of yesterday might suddenly surface.

She wouldn’t want Alex to take responsibility for the offspring of a mistake, the same way she wouldn’t want to take responsibility for the children of “someone who left”, who paved the way for forgetting and betrayal. They were indeed not meant to be.

She didn’t need to confess the past to Alex. It would only exacerbate his sadness.

She wouldn’t show up to meet Alex tomorrow. She and he would end here. Even if only in his mind, she wanted to remain beautiful for Alex. And she would let the beautiful memory of their accidental meeting remain in his mind. To part ways like this would be sweeter. #

(Translated by my daughter from my Filipino short story published on May 17, 1983)