Eight years since i saw most of them and still its like only yesterday. No surprise really, me and the girls have always gotten along extremely well, and my little cousin (as my niece likes to say is like a copy of me "we could be brothers").

How life has not been smooth sailing for most, how half my family works in a sector thats in a slightly different path from where i am (lol) , how my aunt still looks the same at 80 as she did 8 years ago ... must be the genes, i hope i have some but i'm afraid they pass on from my grandmas first husband there.

I heard a most interesting thing today, by someone who can know, fully degreed psycho and filo sophist ... who didnt really take to it and is doing something completely different when i asked why since he certainly had depth of mind.

"I felt like there was already too many therapists there , who are actually trying to help themselves at the cost of their patients"

spot on, man :)

So now i ask myself, why the hell am i posting this here ? I feel like someone has been doping me with neuroleptics for a couple of weeks, total apathy, like a teenager with no place to go i just wanna lay around and i dont really care about what that might bring tomorrow.

is that what makes me suffer from facebook-itis ? talking in public to the world about private affairs ?

I am ? Not descartes, but me , ...
who ?
... me ... i noticed (long time ago) you ask people who are you they tell you who they work for disguised as "that is what i do" ... so they are no one but an extension of someone ? existentialist extensions
you created a grandfather paradox ripping my life open and dumping me back here ... ask me for money but i dont have any cos i didnt make any cos you put me here in place where i'll never have because i cant be me so until i get out i wont have what i need to get out

a situation YOU created, sirs and madams of the control freak kind,
democracy ? my ass ... particracy police state ... like the united lobbies of the free world in the name of jesus are nothing but a wellbalanced bipartisan system to keep the whales floating on top if i can use steemian to express myself (who came up with that word its a bit "lame" as they say, sounds like something a talentless marketeer would come up with for a yoghurt commercial ... or kleenex)

you created the situation now i am the paradox ... grow up / you're too old

IM TOO OLD TO GROW UP

its a trap, i realized that long ago, growing up, just like i realized the inevitability of death when i was four or five sleeping next to my grandma realizing there would be a day when i would never see her again

that lies heavy on the head for a little kid it does ...

so, NOW WHAT? i dont FEEL anymore

but i wonder ... if i lose my last straw made of cat will there be anything left but the monster you created trying to assemble something you could never understand with your one track mind and
your this or that mentality, think you broke it into pieces i dont break
i twist and now i am ... i am (still) ME but deformed as through bloken glass while you're as obvious as dirty glass, i am
i have to be, so unrecognizable i couldnt betray me by accident cos i dont recognize myself but i know i'm still inhere somewhere,
its easy to get lost inhere, its vast but i havent found an empty room yet
i just and i still dont know even if i get out of hell before i lose my last straw
if i'll ever be able to help me get out of there from the inner most depths of the void i consumed, the abyss i won the staring contest with, from , to and over
to the outside where a real smile used to live
and i know one thing for sure

HERE is not an option, never was, never will be and i'll never give up on that, but i might give up on me cos one day it will be too late to have enough time to enjoy it even if and when i get out but BE SURE

HERE IS NOT AN OPTION, it will never be, no matter what you do or try, there is no me here, there cant be

its physically impossible , it goes against the laws of nature so yea

you ruined my life but i still see some hope albeit small , a bit like winning the lottery by now

which means its still possible, you trying to tell me it is not ? shows your dimwittery, if i realize its not the there IS nothing left
but the monster you created

#fuckwhales (and fuck you ofcourse, vendetta isnt just a weekend hobby)

yes well, in case you missed the about 8 years time 365 days times at least ive said it before .. in THIS place the darkness always is. No matter where i start it will creep in after a very short while, thats why its hard to focus
clichés dont apply .. "get over it" ... "suck it up" ... "dont dwell in the past" ...
get a life , I HAD ONE and i was about to get a better one, then you dumped me in the mines of Krypton, my superman paralyzed, my vampire brain forced into daylight ... i can not not dwell in the past or "move forward" when i'm knee-deep in the swamp where old people come to die, chained in a cage with bars made of no money and SURROUNDED by the past
behind enemy lines ... no matter where i start it always comes down to this again

here

not there and there ... and there, i noticed that this year , first time in years i succeeded in crossing the boundaries of the pits of glyve

but it was GREAT getting together again if only just for once, thats a different past, not bound by geolocation ... this place is kryptonite, a black hole , sucking me dry like frankie understood, the gravelpits of flanders
...
I WONT HAVE IT

ever...