Early on in my life as a kid, I learned that I was wrong and that I should feel shame. Now, that's for a whole variety of reasons and at the end of 2018, I felt it all again.
2018 was a heinous year, sitting with this heaviness and large amounts of shame. I make videos to process about this stuff but I've needed to take a break. Now I'm finishing processing through the shame of a lot of shit that happened in 2018 along with a lot of betrayal and a lot of really low vibration stuff. Great.
And that's why I'm making this video to put it out there and say that this shame I feel, this idea, that people think that I am useless. That I am somehow a big bag of shit. I know it's not real. Now, I know it's not real and I've had heinous stuff go on this year and okay, that's fine. But now it's happened I know I need to transmute it.
Transmuting fear and shame is Emotional Alchemy. It's taking these low vibration emotions like fear and shame and blame, anger, guilt, and all the rest of it. Shame is the fear I'm not enough. Anger is fear I'm not going to be all right. Sadness is the fear that I'm whole, that I need something else that there's something's missing.
All of this stuff is totally understandable for me as an empath and a lightworker and especially as a Scapegoat. The Scapegoat's job is to be betrayed and die. That's a really low vibration role and yet it's one that's voluntary because I can choose to take that role on as I did when I was very young or I can choose to leave it behind and it's. Now it's about understanding intuitively what I need to do when.
You know when psychopaths and sociopaths, narcissists project their shit onto you and you feel this need to defend whatever crazy bullshit it is? I know that feeling and I think it's because when I was being told at school, sunday school, etc. I was given the belief that I am wrong, that I'm not worth it.
Now my logical brain that developed after I was programmed with the belief knows the belief is false. I know that The problem is when those rockets come in from crazymakers, narcissists and the rest. They use words to trigger you and as they come in there's this feeling of wanting to react with a need to prove and to defend that I am okay, that I am lovable and the rest. What I've learned and this is why I do the emotional alchemy stuff, is basically so that when the rockets come in I can be aware of what's going on internally and not have to react.
So much of the world we live in is a whole bunch of people projecting shit, their own darkness, onto other people. And I am responsible for my darkness and finding my own path and light through that. But the hard bit is working out what's mine and what's other people's. I do that. Friends, I do that through meditation. I do that through a bunch of other things. Things like the Teal Swan Completion Process is a good one.
There's no getting away from narcissists and sociopaths and crazy people in this world, they're everywhere. But if I can get away from the idea that I need to defend myself to them, then that gives me space and peace in order to work out how I'm actually going to be in the situation.
So a completely hypothetical guy is walking down the street. He's got a feather boa in one hand and an ostrich in the other. He said he's clearly crazy and he walks up to me and accused starts accusing me of stealing his yacht. Now I know in that situation that he's crazy and I just generally don't need to defend myself and say, "dude, I didn't steal yacht." I can just because it's such an absurd situation, but other situations with family or with those people that I have to interact with that are invested in having me react or whatever it is, they're not wearing a feather boa. They're not carrying an ostrich under their arm. For all intents and purposes they seem normal. And yet they have an energy of the guy with the ostrich, or the girl with the ostrich, and somehow if they're not carrying an ostrich, I know this is a weird example, but if they're not carrying an ostrich then I'm kind of treating them as a normal person. But if they're a narcissist or psychopath or whatever and they're trying to pull me in to a trap so they can suck my energy, then I need to treat them as if they are holding an ostrich.
Now I need to treat them as if they are precious human being who is very, very damaged and is looking to place that damage on me. They project their darkness on me and I don't want because that's the scapegoat role. When I can step back in these situations and say not my ostrich, not my ostrich farm, then I can pause and I can work out what to do and I don't have to defend myself against crazy people. And that's peace. Being able to breathe between stimulus and wait to respond. That seems like magic. That is why I do emotional alchemy and that is why I want to make sure my body is healthy, that my emotions are balanced, all emotions. Everybody gets angry, everybody gets sad. They're all valid because that's human.
There's that thing in the Bible and I hesitate to mention the Bible because it's usually loaded for people. I don't call myself a Christian and I'm going to say this because Christian these days has a connotation to it, which is, if you're watching this and you're still watching, then you know what I mean?
But I like living by those virtues of Christianity. But if you read the book, and I never wanted to because obviously if you get beaten with a book so many times, you never want to pick it up again. But recently I did pick it up and I looked inside and it's clear that Jesus was a troublemaker. He went into synagogues and smashed the place up. He had a very a different outlook.
Having grown up in an evangelical situation there's stuff that when I read it doesn't make sense. When it comes to recovering from the Scapegoat Role all I can do is work out what works for me and where my path of light leads in any situation.
When it comes to emotions I want to carry happiness, love, joy, wonder, excitement, romance. This is why I make videos and do emotional alchemy work. It's not because I love sitting in low vibration emotions the whole time but because I want to fine the joy in life.
For me making videos helps. A lot of the videos I make feel very imperfect and my natural reaction is not to publish them. My growth and recovery from the scapegoat role is to publish videos I'm not 100% happy with and understand that to be human is to be imperfect, just the same as everyone else.