Some random advice, from Snappy Dragon mostly, re-thought ... (vol 1)

I recently moved back to Seattle - if you follow me, then you know I've mentioned this in other posts.

I've been eating food from Snappy Dragon ... I shouldn't, because I'm looking for a job and I'm on a tight budget. That being said, I have collected all the fortune cookie advice-slips (and one card from a technical recruiter in Seattle that had advice inside, like a fortune cookie) and decided to interpret their meanings, those messages from the ethereal realm of madness and spiritual crabs ... maybe some strange angel or demon has been speaking to me since I moved back to the Pacific Northwest, trying to help me ... fuck ... perhaps?

You don't know ... just because you have a fancy job, stock options, a 25 yo girlfriend with a nice body and big tits - you don't know man.

(I'm almost 50, unemployed, broke, in debt, white and male, no stuff and almost no friends)

(I have a WONDERFUL LIFE ahead - plenty of time until they take me to the body dumps ...)

Let's see what this all means ...

"If you wake up this morning, it's time to celebrate." - Recruiter

I don't really agree with this. If I "wake up", it probably means something woke me up. Sleep is rather peaceful and I think the body needs rest. Plus, the "morning" comes after midnight and shit ... technically ... and therefore that would suck, to wake up at 12:00 AM ... fuck that shit.

"Try deviating from routine this weekend." - Snappy Dragon Fortune Cookie (from here on out, to be shown as SDFC)

This is good advice. There are a LOT of shady characters out there, government agents, corporations data mining your demographic info, bill collectors, and they LOVE patterns because PATTERNS make their lives easier. So, break the pattern. Do what I do - get rid of your phone number and email address, periodically ... you can't trust most bastards at this point in human history. (they're coming for you)

"A business trip will bring you excellent results." - SDFC

Nope. No business trips are planned. I guess taking the METRO to Uncle Ike's is LIKE A business trip ... but not really.

"Others admire your independence." - SDFC

There is some truth to this - I'm a fiercely independent failure.

"Nature, time and patience are the three best physicians." - SDFC

This is patently false - whiskey, beef jerky, gorilla tape, super glue, xacto knives, fishing line, sewing needles ... these are some of the best "physicians". All you need is 50/50 man ... fuck the doctor. (50/50 is a drink made of 50% gasoline and 50% whole milk)

"Keep your plans secret for now." - SDFC

My plans are secret - enough said.

"Enough is as good as a feast." - SDFC

Nah ... enough is the beginning. A human must consume and use and burn and destroy until all of nature is laid bare before C'thulhu and the other lords of R'lyeh. At that point, the Earth will open up and all will become pain and blood and other viscera and goo ... then you are full.

(this makes me hungry for Judy Fu's Snappy Dragon)

"You will receive a big compliment in front of others." - SDFC

I can't imagine how this could be true, unless it happens after I become a hobo (soon) and form my own hobo posse and crap. "I would like to formally thank Dan for stealing that money from the old lady so we could go buy some cheap ass whiskey!" ... that's what I expect, as a compliment.

"You are kind and trustworthy. Others often count on you." - SDFC

The year 2016 was all about this, some of 2017 as well. What I can say is: this is crap - being "kind and trustworthy" means you are a sucker, and you will get screwed. The human race is mostly filled with parasites and scum now. No way being "kind" has an upside. Better to lay, in wait, as the predator ... don't be the cattle.

"Good things come in invisible packages. You will be delighted." - SDFC

Maybe - it depends upon what a person means by "invisible". I've bought some of these "candies" from Uncle Ike's, and the packaging is clear plastic ... frigging thick ass plastic, heavy gauge shit ... what the hell is up with that? I am, however, DELIGHTED once I get the packages open ...using a plasma torch.

"A secret adventure is in store for you." - SDFC

Yes ... each night I go to sleep and weave a tale to block out the thoughts of ending my pathetic life (kidding). It is the space-age tale of a crew member, on a space ship called the "Rapier". The Rapier is tracking the Vanguard - a deep space vessel doing some kind of nefarious research and mineral gathering in the Kuiper Belt zone, well beyond the orbit of Pluto. As a crew member of the Rapier, I monitor radar ... I'm an expert on the plasma-ion-drive system which allows our ship to move at 1G acceleration, for great periods of time ... and we can accelerate to 20% the speed of light for long range interception ... all sorts of amazing adventures ... yes ... a secret adventure, every night, after I masturbate while thinking about Ava Adams.

"Try something new and different. You will like the results." - SDFC

This is horrible advice - 1.2 million people die, each year, in Seattle alone, from "trying new things". Totally better to stay "in the groove" and eschew the "new and exotic or interesting". If you try something new, you will most likely die.

"Now is a good time to finish off old tasks." - SDFC

Since I think civilization, as we know it, is about to collapse, this may or may not be good advice. I would say "party man", because tomorrow you might not know where your food or water is coming from ... let alone what you would do if you had to rapidly escape a fallout zone after a nuclear explosion. Nah ... now is the time to enjoy yourself, plenty of work on the slate for "tomorrow", like running from cannibal hordes or removing tumors from strangers with an XACTO knife (see above).

"A single kind word will keep one warm for years." - SDFC

Hate, whiskey, a few knives and guns, and beef jerky - this is what will keep you warm man ... that ... and splashing gasoline all over yourself, and setting yourself on fire ... immolation ... that keeps you warm too buddy.

"You appreciate the good will of others." - SDFC

Good will in others is a myth - the human race is nothing but a cage filled with rats ... I appreciate a good .357 revolver ... (that's what I appreciate)

"Good luck is the result of good planning." - SDFC

Meh ... probably true ... but what the hell are you planning for? RETIREMENT? ... fuck ... you ain't never seeing retirement man ...

(see this)

"Dance as if no one is watching." - SDFC

Listen ... the government is ALWAYS watching you ...

In conclusion ...

I think there's a lot of good shit here, courtesy of one overzealous technical recruiter (with a nice ass) and several trips to Snappy Dragon for their BBQ Pork Fried Rice and Rainbow Tofu Delight and their Sweet and Sour Chicken (and Sesame Beef) ... good stuff ...

I'm sure, assuming I find a job soon, that I will have more "volumes" of these fortune cookies ...

(newer corners of my fate to explore)