Final Warning

The same mistakes again again
To lose my temper again
I'm just glad I never took (violent) action
I need to stop drinking once again

People think I'm weak
that they can push my buttons
And perhaps they are right if I react that way
Or perhaps it's the Viking blood in me
Something I could never fully control
At least I still have a soul
One that's in danger

At the end of the day I'm not crying poor me
But I must admit I've been a willing victim of Stockholm Syndrome
I've fetishized just as much as I despised
A false dichotomy trapped in my mind

And I've become the addict
The one addicted to pain
I must stop craving domination
And start using my brain

Or is that just something I will say
Another shoddy reason to be ashamed
What do potentials matter
When you've wrapped yourself in chains?

I must admit part of me still wants someone to blame
But the truth be told my best bet
Is severing more ties than not
For my sake and perhaps theirs

I've been lying to myself
And justifying my own self-destructive behavior
Which is my right
But when it begins to effect others
I need to stop and reflect
And hope to find my way out of the depression I just dug myself back into
In one day flat

Because I was depressed bad for almost 2 years straight
And I really thought I was coming out of it
But the reality of this planet threw my drunk and reckless self a curve ball
As a final warning

I've had a nearly infinite amount of chances
Opportunities to change every day
My intuition has been clouded
But that's not a rightful excuse
Just a poor life choice

And they always say everyone deserves another chance
But there's some people in my life I cannot give another one
Both for their sake and my own
I always make the same mistake
Willingly
I'm always begging to destroy myself
But that's not the core of my being
It's simply my persona

Why is another question entirely
I'll never truly understand
Why I am the way I am
Or why I've been the way I've been

At the end of the day
It's just a cathartic release
Never a masterpiece
But i really needed to vent
About this hole I've dug myself into

And as I'm staring up
I'm hoping you throw me the rope
But then I remember
I can't really climb
So what use is it?

I don't want to dwell on the dark
But it always somehow finds me
A magnetic attraction to masochism
There's no reason involved
In my own internal schism

And perhaps i shouldn't be ashamed about some things that I'm ashamed about
And in some senses i should be much more ashamed
About never learning
To change my ways
For more than a day
For more than a day

A final warning to me
This is my final warning to me

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