Day 31 - Heartbreak in the Time of Quarantine

I resume blogging during extraordinary times: as I sit here, all of humanity is experiencing the effects of the novel coronavirus pandemic. I am personally affected by a state-government mandated shelter-in-place order which requires me to remain at home sans essential travel.

I had recently entered an 'exclusive' relationship when news of the coronavirus initially broke. Things escalated quickly, as they tend to do in relationships, and just as my region was shutting down all nonessential businesses and requiring citizens to stay at home, I was going through a whirlwind of emotions and feelings and essentially asked the person I was with if she wanted to move in together. In a confusing turn of events, she decided to not immediately accept the proposition and we eventually broke our exclusivity contract, with a series of emotional- and feeling-charged texts exchanged, the last of which I sent and to which I haven't received a reply.

The world situation continued to escalate after our deescalation, and soon enough what had been a regional stay-at-home order expanded state-wide with similar orders placed on millions worldwide. Nonessential businesses have been completely ordered closed and the situation's gotten so rough that my federal government just passed a $2 Trillion stimulus package that includes $1200 checks for every citizen because we simply have no means of making an income right now. While it seems all of my compatriots' economic future remains uncertain, I nonetheless find myself under a stay-at-home order that prevents me from social gatherings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience desire to meet new people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that desire to meet new people stems from loneliness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience loneliness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that allowing myself the experience of loneliness implies that I do not feel whole by- and within- myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not feel whole by- and within- myself.

When and as I see myself feel less-than whole within myself, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am always whole within myself.

I commit myself to continue to make practical steps to support and improve the wholeness that is me, within myself.

I commit myself to establish financial stability before I move into an Agreement.

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