I've always been a person who can't decide what she wants to do with her life. Like, I am interested in everything and nothing. I can see myself doing everything and nothing. My path is not clear to me. I always compare myself to my twin sister, who has a searing focus when she does or learns something that she is interested in. She always seems to know what she wants to do and what she doesn't. My focus is more diffuse and it ends up being utterly useless somehow, especially when it comes to making money.
Also, I have resistance to doing anything that doesn't seem super meaningful. And, mind you, that kind of stance in life has made me struggle with things like making my bed in the morning because what's the meaning of that, I'll be going back to bed in the evening anyway? So, while it's convenient for me to think that I want to do only meaningful things because that makes me feel like I'm a deep person, not seduced by frivolous things (meaning I am superior), it's really just a reflection of my inability to see meaning in small, "frivolous" things and actions. It leaves me with no sense of joy in life, no spontaneity, no ability to feel the magic of random moments. And above else it's just plain impractical. It makes me lazy and smug and it makes it hard for me to find my place in the world, because I end up doing nothing. I enjoy being "smart" too much to risk appearing a fool. Being "above it all" means you belong to no place "below". It's the easiest and the hardest thing, standing on the sidelines of life, watching and thinking: this is right, that is wrong, I know better. But I don't do better, so my system hasn't really been working for me for a while now. It needs to change. I need to change it somehow.
So, like, I tried to dedicate my attention as best I could to details of everyday life, to routines, trying to do stuff, go out, be included, be involved and everything, trying to think less, critique less; it does make the situation better but it still leaves me with a deep need to make it meaningful. I need that one crucial focus, a goal, a purpose. It all needs to lead somewhere.
So then, as I usually do when I find myself in a dead-end, I thought of nature and the way it organizes itself to best function. Nature is so self-sufficient and it seems it has most anything figured out. So I started thinking about the human body and the way it works. It's always fascinated me and only recently one aspect has started to make a sort of sense to me.
Like, you have cells that join to make a tissue. Then there are multiple tissues that combine and organize and together they make an organ. The cells of an organ are identically or similarly structured and they work together. Then that organ works with other organs within a bigger system which itself has an important role, like breathing or digestion, and multiple systems all work together to make a functioning human body. At all times, there is communication between all parts - information, impulses, orders being shot through the nerves and blood and everyone knows and does their role, and they're all interconnected and they all affect each other, nothing is isolated. It's much like a well organized country in a way: you there import air and know what to do with the molecules so now the body breathes; you there are in charge of the trash, take it away somewhere after all that is useful has been separated and distributed so now the body is not clogged.
So, since I've made the analogy of a human body as a unit similar to a country, by that same logic a person, an individual would be - a cell. You have a person with certain interests, predispositions, abilities, skills etc who goes ahead and finds people who are structured similarly and they all start doing something that makes sense to them, something that is in line with their predispositions. It doesn't make sense to have a bone cell go and try to digest food. Like, you are supposed to do what you do best, what you have the tools for, right.
So I guess, now I have a perfectly difficult question in front of me - what is my role in this system? Which organ am I a part of? And how to find similar cells and include myself in the bigger systems? What have I to offer?
Well, first I would have to know what my predispositions are, what I'm built of. I have no idea how to do that. I've been trying to figure that out for a while now, and the resistances persist - I am still a person who can see herself doing everything and nothing. I feel like I've been going about it the wrong way somehow.
So I turned to people and asked for advice. And this is what it boils down to: Do what brings you joy. Work should be something you do out of pleasure, they said. Only that way will you keep doing the work you do in the best way you can. Of course, not every part of what you do will be filled with pleasure, but the core of it should bring you joy. Which kind of makes sense. I like to imagine little cells to be happy because they get to do what they like. That's why the system of the human body, or any system, works, I guess. That's maybe why throughout history, countries have been changing systems - because none so far have proved to be able to provide joy, or respect really, to all of society - to include and accept everything humanity has to offer in its diversity of roles. Meaning - bone cells, instead of producing blood have been forced to take out trash.
So now I have this big assignment in front of me - figure out what brings me joy and pleasure. I have no idea how to do that. I'll talk to people, try my best and I'll probably write about that in later posts.
So, until next time!
Follow the little joys and pleasures, hopefully they will lead to the big ones :)