How to Take Control In Bed—And Feel In Charge of Your Orgasm

Feeling in charge in the bedroom looks different for everyone—it’s not always the stereotypical fantasy of black leather and whips (though totally fine if that’s your thing). Figuring out how to take control in the bedroom in a way that makes you feel sexy as hell (and just like you’re reinacting some feminist porn scene) takes a little introspection.

We’re constantly bombarded with sex rules that frankly don’t exist—but imagine the mind-blowing time you could have without them. Taking control in bed means authentic expression in whatever form it may take.

Perceptions of male sex drive

There are many stereotypes that portray men as sex-obsessed machines. Books, television shows, and movies often feature characters and plot points that assume men are crazy about sex and women are only concerned with romance.

But is it true? What do we know about the male sex drive?

Sex drive and the brain

Sex drive is usually described as libido. There is no numeric measurement for libido. Instead, sex drive is understood in relevant terms. For example, a low libido means a decreased interest or desire in sex.

The male libido lives in two areas of the brain: the cerebral cortex and the limbic system. These parts of the brain are vital to a man’s sex drive and performance. They are so important, in fact, that a man can have an orgasm simply by thinking or dreaming about a sexual experience.

So, ask yourself: What empowers you? Here’s how to find it:

Drop the Labels

We’re all afraid of being “bad in bed”—which is often why one partner takes a back seat and lets the other drive. But the entire idea of “being a great lover, or ‘this good’ vs ‘this is bad’,” is harmful, says relationship and sexuality educator Logan Levkoff. What you want from sex is what you want from sex; stripping it of arbitrary judgements of what’s good is the first step to taking control over your sexual encounters.

Talk About Sex, Baby

It comes as no shock that many people—particularly women—struggle to ask for what they want in bed. Power dynamics are seemingly always present regardless of sex and gender.

Embrace the Embarrassment

So you’re in the canned food aisle and you’ve just told your girlfriend that the thing she does with her tongue would be so much better if she just moved it a bit to the left—and you would please like the floor to open up and swallow you whole now, thanks. “No one is super cool and smooth when it comes to talking about these things,” says Levkoff.

Why are you expecting yourself to be so naturally good at talking about sex? Who is? Not to give you bad flashbacks to after-school piano lessons, but: Practice makes perfect. Do it once. Feel weird. Do it again. Feel even weirder. Still not getting what you want? Go ahead and blush to the point you’re sure you’re burning holes through your clothes. It’s okay. “Own the awkward right from the start,” . The embarrassment of talking about sex isn’t within your control—but how you handle it is.

Lower the Stakes

So your partner tries moving her tongue to a bit to the left like you asked. You’re so into it that you accidentally knee her in the head. You finally took control in the bedroom and this is what happened? Must be proof that you should’ve stayed quiet and let her call the shots, right? Wrong. Just like those conversations about sex were awkward, trying out new things you want in bed can also be awkward.

Remember: Taking Control In Bed Looks Different for Everyone

I could write a whole novel on this idea, but I’ll keep it short: You have a whole host of past and present experiences informing your sexuality. So does your partner. Explore your own: think about them, meditate on them, masturbate. Also acknowledge those your partner is bringing to sex. “We've been told our whole lives that someone else makes you into a sexual being,”, but really we are sexual individuals before we’re a couple. “How we choose to express that sexual individual is up to us,” .

How do you want to express your sexuality? Grab that cheerleader outfit; try out handcuffs; order his pants off; ask him to order off yours; blush the whole time if you need to. You’ve got it under control.

Sex Mistakes Men Make

Men: A change in thinking may improve your sex life. Get the details on seven common mistakes guys make with women, and learn how to avoid them.

Mistake 1: Sex Starts in the Bedroom

Men may turn on like a light, but for women, arousal doesn’t happen so fast.

Pave the way during the day by hugging, kissing, and holding hands. Have some fun together, and show you appreciate her.

Feeling safe and secure in the relationship is key for a woman to really let loose during sex. A long hug can go further than you’d think. “Hugging for 30 seconds stimulates oxytocin, the hormone in women that creates [a] sense of connection and trust.”

Mistake 2: Assume You Know What She Wants

“Just as many women are faking orgasm today as 20 or 30 years ago,” .
So, if she’s not enjoying herself, you might not know it.

Don't be afraid to ask questions like “How does this feel?” or “Do you want something different?”

In other words, ask for directions.

Mistake 3: Stick to Your Plan

Don't think that "if it worked the first three times, it will work the next three times,"

What turns her on may depend on her mood, and where she is in her monthly cycle. “Perhaps her nipples are more sensitive or her genitals are less tingly,” .

Pay attention to your partner.
“Try different things and see how she responds.”

When you find something that works, linger on it. Women often complain that men move on to the next thing just as they really start to enjoy an activity.

Mistake 4: Keep It Strictly Physical

Expand your idea of foreplay. Some men "focus on physical stimulation and often ignore mental stimulation,” Kerner says.

While men get stirred up by what they see, “women fantasize a lot during sex as part of [the] process of arousal.” Join in -- share a fantasy or a sexy memory.

Mistake 5: Expect Intercourse to Give Her an Orgasm

For 80% of women, intercourse alone won’t do the trick. Why not? Most sex positions don’t directly stimulate the clitoris.

There are other ways to pleasure her. “Women orgasm much more consistently from oral sex than from intercourse,".
Also, try sex with the woman on top, or a vibrator made for couples to use during sex. “Men should feel comfortable, not threatened, with sex toys,”.

To help her hit the high note when you do have sex, take time to get her going before you make your entrance. “The closer women are when they start intercourse, the more likely they are to have an orgasm,”

Mistake 6: Skip the Seduction

Women like to be seduced. "Seduction is as important as, or sometimes more important than, technique,” Cooper says.

It helps to know what kind of turn-on your partner likes, whether it’s oral, visual, or mental, she says. “Does your partner like it when you talk dirty over the phone or text? Trace your finger slowly up her chest? Flirt with her at a bar?”

Also, if you like what you see, say so. "Let a woman know how desirable she is,”

Mistake 7: Focus on Ringing the Bell

Most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, but it's more complex than you may think.

Some men "don’t understand the anatomy of the clitoris,” Cooper says. It’s more than the small "button" you can see. Its nerve endings spread throughout the vulva and inside the vagina. All are potential pleasure points worth exploring.

“You can go back and forth,” . Paying too much attention to the glans, at the top of the vulva, can take away from pleasure for some women. It's so sensitive, that too much stimulation can hurt.
So that's it,Go out there and make her smile on the bed.