"My partner is not a very good lover. And I don't dare to tell him what I want and what I don't like about his way of doing things. Can you help me?" asks Pauline, 39.
Men often need a woman who guides them to become good lovers. It's normal, nobody has ever explained anything to them! And if they found models, it is often in pornography, which does not help them at all ... So, how do you go about becoming the one who will make it progress?
WHAT YOU CAN DO ...
Start at the bottom. It is impossible to communicate about sexuality by talking only about what you want and what is wrong. To be heard, don't speak too negatively. It is best to first tell your husband what is going well and why you want it. Because it will only progress if it feels appreciated. Otherwise, he may become discouraged quickly. Tell him you find him handsome. After all, he is the one you have chosen.
Specify what you like about him: "You have beautiful hands, beautiful hair, beautiful eyes, a beautiful smile ..." Tell him what moves you: "I like your smell, I love your soft skin, I also like that you are taller than me ... "When we feel loved, desired by the other, we listen more willingly.
After each intercourse, give him a little compliment . It may not be easy at first if you think he is not a good lover. But it is essential to help him improve. For example: “I liked that you caressed my breasts very gently [or a little abruptly]; I found it more exciting that we undress each other instead of undressing each other on our side; I liked that you kiss me on the neck; I liked being in such a position, I liked making love more quickly [or slowly] ... ».
This remark (one is enough!) Will allow you to ask him: "And you, what did you prefer today?" This question is important because in a couple, "sexual progress" is always done in pairs. In this way, you give yourself tracks to improve together. And he will remember it, for example by caressing your breasts more gently if you explained to him that softness and slowness were more pleasant for you.
YOU DARE NOT ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT
Start by asking him what would make him happy. And when he answers you, add: "And I would like to ..."
How to criticize? The secret is never to say "you", but "I" and to be precise and factual. Don't say, for example, "you don't spend enough time on the preliminaries ." Because it is a sentence felt as a reproach, even an accusation, which will automatically trigger a defense reaction. No doubt he will answer you: "But yes, I assure you, sometimes I make very long foreplay." And your remark will have been useless.
Tell him instead: "Today, I would like you to caress my sex longer before penetration, because I feel a lot more pleasure when it happens like this ...". It is not accusing, it is precise and motivating. And above all, do not forget that communicating on these subjects is learned gradually together.
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