Rebranding : Cunnilingus

Sex acts have weird names. Falatio, felching, munging, or even Charizarding. But do they have to? Some things are simple, like missionary position or even doggy style (which at first glance is degrading, but really just perfectly describes the position.)

Obviously, the job of a good word is to quickly convey meaning and give a sentence a flow without having to immediately explain what the meaning is. Which I guess is a long road to walk to say that I think the act of cunnilingus needs a new name.

Now, I’m not gonna sit here and act like there aren’t plenty of words or phrases for this. Eating pussy, clam diving, and fur burger, are all clunky, trashy ways to describe what is usually a wonderful experience, and a sure way to get another date. But their all just so hard to use in a sentence without sounding like a fucking frat boy bragging about something he probably didn’t even do well in the first place.

“Dude, I munched that puss all night.”

Yeah, no you didn’t. Also, she hates you.

And then there’s this fucking medical ass term: cunnilingus. Try using that gem in a sentence, and not sounding like pigeon toed, cross eyed nerd with a beautiful mosaic of porn and comic book clippings pasted to his bedroom wall in the house he grew up in.

“So, after I took the lady on a lovely night out on the town, we retired to the boudoir at the upstairs of my wonderful mother’s house where I commenced cunnilingus for just over 4 minutes before my jaw got a cramp and I had to take an albuterol puff from my inhaler to stifle my adult onset asthma.”

You see what I mean?

Cunnilingus. Jesus Christ.

It needs something flowery. Something fitting of the refreshing sensation of biting into an over-ripe watermelon on a hot summer day. Or the crisp, juicy satisfaction of devouring a sweet sour blood orange after an our of soccer with your mates.

It needs to be something simple, but still implies how wonderful it is, without coming off as degrading or gross in any way. And I mean in real conversation where you’re out at brunch and not just bragging some locker room talk bullshit.

Like finish this sentence: She blew me, I _______ her and then we made love on the kitchen table.

So you tell me, what’s the best way to say it?

Would love to hear your thoughts, because I gotta be honest. Google was only a 6th grade giggle fest of suggestions.



@writesbackwards is a group of friends who love to write about life, sports, comedy, tech and other fun stuff!

Consider leaving a comment, we love rewarding engaging Steemians!