Showcase Sunday: 10-27-19: Hello, Misery! I heard you love company! Won't you please come join me in my post today?

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Hi everyone!

Hi there!

Hello!

@brandt here, and I’d just like to say,

rainbows!

Sunshine!

Puppies and kittens and baby unicorns!

Bunnies!

The Easter Bunny!

The Easter Bunny holding a basket of rotten eggs!

The Easter Bunny holding a basket of rotten eggs, getting crushed to death by a gigantic rolling tombstone as Jesus steps out of hiding to take a quick shit!

Holy shit, literally!

That got dark, fast!

Where are you even going with this, @brandt?

What do you mean, where am I going with this?

In English 101 they told me that essays are supposed to have an introduction, a body, and a conclusion!

So I introduced myself, killed off the creepiest thing I could think of on short notice in order to get that body, and now,

in conclusion,

I am losing my mind.

On the positive side, I made it through Week 1 of this new thing I ripped from my nightmares called The Neverending Standup, and I did it without attempting to blow my brains out even once. Sometimes the madman living inside my mind seriously makes me want to kill myself. But don’t worry! I’ll take care of him first, before I do anything crazy to myself.

Here are the first four stepping stones toward my inevitable slip off the cliff of reason and into the valley of insanity, written by me, or the madman, or both of us, or who knows:

• Episode 1 — We’re All Involuntarily Fucked
• Episode 2 — Debt Collectors And Jury Booty
• Episode 3 — Incipit Revolution, Explicit Cult
• Episode 4 — The Madman Living Inside The Madman Living Inside @Brandt’s Mind’s Mind

I'm mostly just putting those up there to help myself keep track of all the things I shouldn't be publishing on the blockchain. I don't actually recommend reading any of it.

Anyway,

all that being said,

now it's time for me to do the

shoutouts!

Because this shouldn’t be all about me!

First of all, I wanted to point your eyes at a writer named

@richardfyates,

who I recently discovered and whose work amuses me. He often writes about horror — which believe it or not isn't really my genre of choice — but he also writes about everyday life and its little everyday horrors, in a humorous way that I really appreciate. Check him out, or don't. Do whatever you want!

Moving on with shoutouts. I’d also like to take this opportunity to express my sincere gratitude to @jan.kretschmer, @arnest, @jupyoho, @jirardo, @dreiml, @trimesgi, @arginexumu, and @hyjuki for your generous downvotes this past week. Thanks so much, everyone! To show my appreciation, I hereby declare that you are all honorary lifetime members of my cult, The New Church of Brandt! Welcome to the fold, here’s your chalice of human blood I’m going to trick you into thinking is actually just grape-flavored Tang! Bottoms up, baby! Hope you’re okay with idiotic rituals, mindless rules, extortion, senseless torture, random acts of blindness, and me stealing your wives for my harem, because there’s a whole lot of that coming your way!

And now, for your reading displeasure,

today’s showcase, as inspired by @NoNamesLeftToUse's #showcase-sunday:

_{three slightly edited shorties from days long gone. The first two are ancient posts that represent my earliest attempts at actually using humor instead of just posting boring pictures from my mountain adventures. The third one is more recent and represents an early stage of my slide toward the insanity that is now evident in my current posts. Enjoy, or don't!}

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Shorty #1 — Ballad

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Jack and Jill went up a hill

To fetch a pail of water

That doesn't make any sense

Why would you go uphill to fetch water

Nursery rhymes are dumb,

I'm going running

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Shorty #2 — Send it soaring

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Let’s go fly a kite
Up to the highest height
Let’s go fly a ki—

Hey. Hey man. Yeah, you with the kite. You know you’re on Yale, right? It’s not the highest height, at least not in Colorado. Oh, don't feel bad, man, it’s an easy mistake to make. We all fly kites on the wrong mountain every once in a while. It happens. But anyway, yeah, you should really be flying your kite on Elbert. It’s like at least 200 feet higher than Yale. You’ve only got so much kite string to work with, right? Elbert's really where you want to be flying your kite right now. Yeah, you’re welcome man, no problem. Glad I could help. For sure. Have a nice day!

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Shorty #3 — A short story about a tree.

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I went into the forest to find a tree,

and behold, I found a tree.

Here is the tree I found:

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Location: Somewhere in the Pike National Forest just north of Divide, Colorado.

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And here is a list of all the things that happened after I found this tree:

1. I changed my mind about hanging myself from a tree in the Pike National Forest just north of Divide, Colorado
2. I hiked back to my car and drove home
3. I opened a beer and wrote this short story

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The end.

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😈

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😈

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_{Thanks for reading. This is the end. If you're interested in joining my cult, contact @otherbrandt on Discord and he'll help you get started.}

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