The illusion of worthiness.

Well you know I'm a tarot reader, book reader, art reader... a reader of things and people and I'm pretty good at noticing patterns... so I've been thinking quite a bit about this whole thing of the law of attraction and of letting go (feeling feelings until they've run out of energy, is what it's really about in my opinion). It occurred to me the other day that I've actually managed to net in quite a lot of what I've wanted, but with a HUGE delay, so it's all arrived too late for me to still have need for it. I netted in identikit partners (always incomplete and lacking in the same ways), but well past the point where I needed the particular qualities I'd needed them for before because, I guess, I'd been in a place of need and that was resistance as opposed to want and then, forgetting about it-(letting it go-thereby allowing the MANifestation to arrive. I cared too much. At one point I wanted particular things-jackets made of a particular fabric and cut in a specific way. By the time I got them I didn't want them anymore-my style had changed. But I didn't just end up with one or two-I ended up with a stack of them and the men were the exact same man repeated in different bodies-same characteristics, same values, same shortcomings. Some of them even had the same star sign, and there was a time where I kept attracting men with the same name. And then, from a particular country. Not even kidding.

Note that I allowed myself very little-so my duplicating things were always fraught with the same problems, insufficient or small things of little value. You get what you believe you deserve, is the idea, isn't it. Affirmations are considered to be the way of dealing with this. But I feel daft telling myself I deserve loads of money (and to actually enjoy it-you know how we subconsciously bargain with ourselves) or decent partner, or a really true friend... my discipline wanes because of my baggy sense of faith in the law of attraction. Because of my academic training, I look, always, for elements of doubt and ways of looking that supersede possibilities of anything absolute. It's quite possible this analytical thinking habit and constant download and reconfiguration of data isn't really working for me in areas of spirituality...

We're supposed to feel good-notice the nice things and big them up to attract more of the same. Essentially, we're supposed to just (LET) go (OF RESISTANCE like rationale... go) with the flow like the tricky mirror man who made sure he'd seen himself right. He had no consideration of spirituality whatsoever. But it was all in practice-he was just thinking positive as a matter of course and actually happened to really believe he deserved everything he wanted. I was quite stunned by how explicitly he described his great looks (in his opinion-apparently all that really matters) and what a great guy he was (sneaky tricky aspects to the personality not withstanding).

I was impressed by his unwitting skill. Looking at him through my female eyes, however, I wasn't impressed. But that didn't matter-how the rest of the world saw him was of no real relevance to him whatsoever. It never even occurred to him that I might not want him and find him attractive. Regardless, if I or the next woman rolled our eyes (he wouldn't have noticed), then he knew that there was somebody else who would think he was as fabulous as he did, and that she would be right for him-he just believed it. So he happily drove off in his van that rattled with bottles of booze, with wads of cash stuffed in the glovebox and in plain view-he simply didn't entertain the possibility that somebody might steel from him, or that it would matter to him if they did since he was living such abundance and believed he deserved every bit of it and absolutely why not... seems to me worthiness is an illusion. You don't have to have great qualities or be particularly perfect or brilliant in any way-worthiness doesn't need to be justifiable or true unless that's what you need to be able to believe in it. Seems to me, the job is to create an illusion that works for us rather than against us.