The basis of every couple disorder is conflict. It would be impossible to describe a couple where there is no conflict, it is something that can not be avoided, because as I said in a previous post, people are different in both interests, biological and psychosocial characteristics when living as a couple, however the discussions that they become frequent are part of the dissatisfaction, either because the relationship is not going well and they look for inadequate solutions that put the relationship in danger.div>
Fuente
Fuente
One of the great problems of this couple's disorder is due to the inadequate conformation of the couple, to the deep discrepancies of the personality and to the maintenance of the relationship, a subject treated in the previous post.
Now, depending on which of these causes the conflict has developed in the couple, what is the dominant one is looked for, since a structured and functional couple is not the same because their conformation is based on passion, intimacy and commitment and is affected over time for maintenance of the same, we resort to infidelity, for example. It is important to highlight that there are cases of couples where people become ill because their distorted and altered personality can not function to live together as a couple.
Some examples of these cases of couples:
Passive wife - rigid husband:
She insists that he does not give importance to his feelings and desires, feels dissatisfied because of lack of affection, attention and dependence, perceives his cold and distant husband and makes him responsible for his difficulties in the sexual act and his growth as a person . He feels organized, independent, unable to deviate from his habitual behavior. He perceives her as an annoying woman, dissatisfied although he indulges her, notes that his sexual life could be efficient if she does not harass him, which generates emotional instability.
Rigid wife-dependent husband:
The man usually asks for help and in some cases he feels insecure and worried about not knowing how to control extra-odd relationships and what position to adopt before his wife. This type of man tends to look for the mother figure in the relationship. It is perceived as a person lacking love and protection, at the same time impulsive and irresponsible. She feels organized, good mother, and her interests are focused on her professional growth and her children more than her husband's.
Dependent wife-independent husband:
This type of couple finds it difficult to function without the other, obtaining bad results. This relationship is composed of anxiety, depression and even alcohol and / or narcotic substances. In the case of the couple having children, it is difficult for them to effectively fulfill the role of parents, since each member of the couple expects the other to protect and attend to it, which brings with it personal and emotional instability.
It is difficult for people who have some kind of relationship with the characteristics described above, can maintain a healthy and functional relationship since throughout, conflicts come to be handled violently in one of the two parties, exposing physical health and emotional of the affected party.
Social role of women and men in conflict today
Violence comes to stand out as the use of force to hurt another person. Attacking someone's rights implies a power to proceed to the act of using force, which consequently this person feels over the other at the moment of being violent, since the victimizer falls into a hostile emotional state because of the situations in which he perceives injustice according to the perception of the conflict within the couple. However, I am going to highlight a determining factor that favors confrontations: "socio-historical-cultural reasons", since as time has gone by, intrafamily violence has taken hold in the current time.
In today's society you can not pretend to ignore the situation of a couple since it implies discarding historical moments, where man has had to adapt to emotional changes for which, perhaps, he was not prepared. The woman, however, despite having gained certain characteristics in the traditional macho model, has still been subject to a series of prohibitions of her driving to equality with men, and although they have the same rights as human beings today , the right to equality is not parallel with it. The man since childhood has been conditioned to responsibility and control, but in our times, is no longer a woman submissive and inexperienced, but a person prepared to compete but still remains the weaker sex to society.
What to do if I have a conflict with my partner?
Some suggestions that could facilitate the solution of the conflict in the couple. It should be noted that in some cases the solution to the conflict can occur through the separation of the couple, and to the extent that both understand it will also be successful.
Teach both to place themselves in an objective perspective regarding the severity of the conflict.
Prepare each a list of aspects that you like about your partner, aspects that displease your partner, and finally, what would you do to improve the relationship. Due to the strength of feelings and hopes of staying together, when conflict occurs it is almost always due to poor communication, since both accuse each other and consider the conflict as something that has no solution, losing sight of the positive aspects of the conflict. the other part, this is why you should learn to listen comprehensively to the couple.
Communicate assertively with your partner.
That is, to speak in terms of honesty, say what you feel without omitting their discomfort, look each other in the eye, but without disqualifying or hurting the other party or yourself, keep those positive aspects that bring stability to your relationship always respecting the rights of the other person. It is important to be empathetic, since it is possible to know how the other person feels to understand it..
Show appreciation to your partner.
It does not necessarily have to be a sexual motivation, but rather the repertoire of calling to say hello and knowing how your partner is, kissing goodbye, hugging when you get home, telling and sending messages with special words, going out together somewhere , accompany the other to some activity, occasional details, sit down to talk at home or in the garden of any subject, worry and help your partner if you have any problems.
Motivate sexual attraction, the pleasure of being with the couple.
It is important to reinforce the passion between the couple. We can do it through outings to a romantic place, dress differently, perfume and look attractive, wear suggestive clothes and underwear, called with erotic intentions, flirting. It should be noted that these manifestations do not necessarily end in a sexual act, but nevertheless it facilitates sexual activity, but it is not obligatory.
Make a deal with your partner.
Negotiate with your partner, separate the problem from your partner and concentrate on your interests and not on your position, invent agreements of mutual benefit and above all, that the criteria are objective for both. The company is vital, support, rapport and communication with the other. Although affection is not the almighty solution, it is a valuable, motivational factor that will allow stability in happiness for both.
To conclude, if we are not willing to understand and admit our responsibility for our participation in a conflictive situation, to always defend our position before the other, to accuse and blame our partner for what happens in the relationship, we will always be in the struggle with ourselves as a defense mechanism to fight against our partner. This is why we must focus on understanding how the other party thinks, since our way of thinking is the problem and not the person as such.
"If we really want to stay with that person we choose to share our life, remember that we should treat her with respect, be honest, be flexible in the relationship, understand each other and above all and not forget that they joined their lives to give yourself love."
Source consulted: Clinical Counseling book, by Juan José Moles, 2nd. Edition.
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